KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A man and a woman are riding on a plane next to each other in first class.The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again.  He pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts.  She can't believe that such a rude person exists.  A few minutes pass.  The man sneezes yet again.  He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough.She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off!  What the hell kind of degenerate are you?" The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am.  I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange.  What are you taking for it?"The man looks at her with a happy face and says, "Pepper."

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?".

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

How about the seventy year old man that goes to a nudist colony for the first time to see if he wants to join.  While he's looking around at the lovely ladies, he gets and erection.  As soon as he does, a beautiful blonde runs up to him, gets down on her knees and gives him oral sex. She finishes and he runs into the administration building.. "Here's my money. I want to be here for the rest of my life" he says.. They take his money.  He leaves the building and feeling so good, he lights a cigar.  As he's walking, he drops the cigar.  He bends over to pick it up and some guy runs up to him and proceeds to jam his schlong up his arse.  When he's finished, the old man runs back into the administration building and demands his money back. "Why do you want your money back?" asks the administration guy, to which the old man replys  "I'm seventy years old. I get an erection once a month but I drop my cigar 5 times a day!".

A couple went to mass and took confession. The husband went into the confessional and said "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The father asked him the nature of this - to which he replied "While my wife was bending over the freezer I had lustful thoughts and had my way with her." The Priest tried explaining that having sex with your own wife was not a sin and forgiveness was not needed. Still, the man insisted that he felt guilty. The priest told him to say three Hail Mary's and be on his way.
Next, the wife went into the confessional and said that while she was leaning over the freezer her husband had had his way with her. The priest asked her how long she had been married. She replied it was three years now.
The priest tried to explain to her that it was quite proper for married people to have sex and that there was nothing to be guilty about. Still, the woman insisted that she felt guilty so the priest told her to say three Hail Mary's and think no more about it. As she turned to leave, the woman asked the priest if her and her husband would be banned from the church. "Banned from the church?!
Whatever gave you that idea?' the priest queried. "Well," she said, "they banned us from the supermarket!"

One day the owner of a porno store goes out for a while leaving the shop to his salesman. Soon a woman goes into the porno shop.

She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
The Shopkeeper answersanswers, "$35."
She:  "How much for the black one?"
He:   "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She:  "I think I'll take the black one.  I've never had a black one before."
She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"
He:  "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He:  "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one.  I've never had a white one before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
He:  "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He:  "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...."
She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

Guy is in a bar, after a few drinks, notices someone in the crowd keeps standing up saying a number, and everyone laughs.

After a while he gets curious, and asks the bartender what's going on, He tells him that all the jokes are so old, that they have them memorized, and just shout out the number now.

Well the guy thinks he can play along, and shouts out # 32.....but just silence......He ask's the bartender, "What went wrong?"

He says, "Well, some people just can't tell a joke right."

A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling her hand: "Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked mum.

"I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!"

Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it. "Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" wined the little one.

"What are you on about?" asked her increasingly perplexed parent.

"Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider!!"

A Polack takes his dog for a walk. After awhile he gets thirsty so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple of beers. After he has been there for an hour or so the local policeman enters the bar.
"Whose dog is tied up out front?"
The Polack responds, "That's my dog. Is there a problem officer?"
" Well she's in heat," says the cop."
"Oh, she'll be all right. It's shady out there."
"That's not what I mean. Your dog needs bred."
"I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She's fine."
At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. "Listen fellow. You don't seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog needs to be screwed."
"Go right ahead officer, I've always wanted a police dog."

Two Irish nuns we're on their way to a new convent in the US and on the plane ride over, one nun told that other that she had heard that Americans eat dogs. The other nun was rather aghast, but she said, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do..."

After getting settled, the more adventurous nun said to the other that they should go try one of those dogs. So they set off and found a local hot DOG stand. Each nun ordered one and the took their "dogs" to the park to eat under the trees. Finally one nun becomes brave and opened up the wrapping on hers.

She looked at it and her face turned bright red. After what seemed like an hour, she finally looked at the other nun and said," "So what part of the dog did you get?"

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said, "if I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms. Finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"