KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

  A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with   a large grocery bag in her arms. She told the teller that she wanted to   open an account to make a substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000.   Further, she said that since such a large sum was involved, she would   deal only with the president of the bank to make the necessary   arrangements.

    The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full of   cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank   president, who agreed to see the woman. The teller escorted her to the   president`s office, and the president invited her to have a seat, which   she accepted.

    She repeated her request to open an account.

    The president said he would take care of it personally, but his   curiosity was killing him. He said, "Mind if I ask how you happened to   come into such a large sum of cash?"

    "Not at all," was her reply. "I bet."

    "You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, or on professional sports,   or in casinos...?"

    "Nothing like that," she said. "I just ... bet. For example, I`ll bet   you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will be square."

    The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had the funds to back   up such a wild bet, agreed. They shook hands on it, and she promised to   return at nine the next morning to follow up, and left.

    As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking to   make sure that all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution he   cancelled his regular Tuesday-afternoon golf match and went home early.

    The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved to   find that nothing had changed drastically while he slept. He confidently   headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected windfall   that was about to become his.

    The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour,    ccompanied by a young man. When the president asked who he was, she   replied that he was her lawyer, who she always brought along when   payoffs involving significant sums were involved.

    The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular bet, so   the funds would be outgoing rather than incoming. She insisted on   examining the evidence for herself, considering the amount at stake.

    He deemed it a reasonable request under the circumstances, so he stood   up,unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants. She proceeded to closely   inspect his jewels for any abnormalities.

    As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in the   corner, banging his head against the wall. He asked the lady, "What`s   the matter with him?"

    She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and   replied, "Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before ten A.M. today I`d   have the president of the bank by the balls."

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.

As the Pope approached the gates of heaven it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.

"Welcome Your Holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."

"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment."

"Is there anything which Your Holiness desires?"

"Well yes," the Pope replied, "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages; are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."

Saint Peter immediatly ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God.

Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediatly several of the Saints and Angels game running to the Pope's side to learn the cause of his dismay.

There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchament, Repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', There's an 'R'!!!"

"Look, the word is celebrate, not celibate"!

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops & started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said.  "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo.

The woman cocked her ear.  "Quick it's my husband coming through the front door!  Hide in the bathroom!" she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed. As she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.

"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.

"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you," she replied with a knowing smile.

"Great!" he said.  "I'll just nip into the bathroom and will be with you in two shakes."

Before she could stop him he was into the bathroom where he found the lover clapping his hands in midair.

"Who the devil are you?!" the husband demanded.

"I'm from the exterminator company.  Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied.

"But... but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.

The lover looked down, jumped backwards in surprise and said, "Those little bastards!!"

One morning 2 priests head to the showers and it isn't until they are already in the shower they both realize they did not bring any soap.  Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap, he checks out the hallway, no one is around so rather than get dressed he decides to make a run for it.  He checks the hall before heading back to the showers - all clear, so he makes a break for it, just as he turns the corner to the showers he spots three nuns walking towards him.  With no where to go he stands perfectly still, holding the 2 bars of soap hoping the nuns will think he's a statue.

The nuns approach, "oh my look at that, isn't that the most life like statue you've ever seen?" the first asks.  She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priest's penis.  Startled he drops the 1st bar of soap. "Oh heavens she exclaims, I got a bar of soap".

The 2nd nun amazed at how realistic the statue looked steps closer and again, a couple of tugs on the priest's penis and he drops the other bar of soap "my goodness, I got a bar of soap too".  The nuns can't believe it.

The 3rd nun, overcome by the miracle statue, walks up to it and gives a couple of tugs, "my God this is amazing" she says, "I got hand soap!!"

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday.  He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.  On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.  Before leaving he says to the sales  clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"  "About 35," was the reply.  "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.  After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29". "I am actually 47."  This makes him feel really good.  While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.  She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going.  But  when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age.  If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.  Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done.  You are 47."  Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant!  How did you do that?"  The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

     A doctor started having an affair with his nurse, and shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant.  Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.  "But, how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked.  "Well", he said, "After you've had the baby, just send me a post card and write 'sauerkraut' on the back".  Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany.

     Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his office.  "Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today", she explained.  "I don't understand what it means!"  "Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he replied.  Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his post card which said:      "SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT;  TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!"

In a church in New England, there was a priest and three nuns. "You have all done good your entire life," Said the Priest. "Now I will let you all go out and commit a sin, and when you come back I will let you drink the holy water and you will be saved."  So the three nuns went out and all commited a sin and an hour later they returned in a single file line. "So what have you done?" Asked the priest. "I killed somebody." said the first nun. So the nun drank some of the holy water and wlked out of the church. "What have you done?" asked the priest. "I got pregnant" said the second nun. She drank some of the holy water and walked out of the church. "So, what have you done?"asked the priest. The third nun stood there giggling and laughing, and blurted out. "I peed in the holy water!"

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each   other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from Heaven.

    "You`ve been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I`m   going to give you a special gift. I`m going to bring you both to life   for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a   clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

    The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the   bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter,   and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged   from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

    "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking   knowingly.

    Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue   and said, "Great! Only this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I`LL shit   on its head."

A man gets shipwrecked and is washed up on a deserted island with a dog and a pig. The three sent up house and start to get into a daily routine.  Every evening they would walk down to the beach and watch to sun set and the stars come out.
After about a month the man was geting horny and the pig was looking pretty good.  One night on the beach, after the sun went down, he snuggleg up next to the pig and put his arm around her.  The dog began to growel angerly so the man moved away.  The next night on the beach the man tried his moves on the pig again and the dog started growling and snapping at him.  The man backed off.
The next day there was a huge storm and when they went to the beach they found there had been another shipwreck and there was a beautiful woman washed ashore.  The took her in to there home and gradually brought her into their daily routine of going to the beach in the evenings.
Now, after a couple of weeks the man was very horney so that night, on the beach, he snuggled up to the woman, put his arm around her and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking that damn dog for a walk!!"