KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

The man said "no".

Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!"

The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"That's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."

These are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits. Even if you're not a fan, you'll like these:

I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
I will never win an emmy.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.

Twas the night of Nekkid Frustration

Twas a quiet night,
And all through the house,
No one was home,
Not even the spouse.

I was real horny,
With no one here who would care,
So I dialed AOL,
To see if My friends were there.

I looked at my buddy list,
To see who was online,
While visions of cyber-sex,
Danced through my mind.

When all of a sudden,
Who on my list should appear,
Just the best little cyber-babe,
I'd ever had here.

I im'd her with "hey darlin",
Kisses, hugs, and hello,
When I suggested a private room,
She said 'lets go".

I made up a name,
We both clicked, and were in,
Anticipating the fun that,
Was about to begin.

We {S kissed and {S hugged,
Then our clothes we did shuck,
It was just then,
I ran out of luck.

Naked and hot,
To the imaginary bed we scooted,
When the next thing I knew,
I had been booted.

I ranted and raved,
And cursed AOL,
For taking my money and,
Putting me through hell.

I signed on again,
And imaptiently waited,
Hoping and praying,
Her lust hadn't abated.

I was finally online and,
To the room I did dash,
To my little cyber-girl,
And heaven at last.

We got past the foreplay,
Were cyber-fuckin and then,
To my utter frustration,
I was booted again.

I cursed AOL,
As I got back online,
For what I swore would be,
The very last time.

We got down to business,
And as the end neared,
It happened again,
That thing that I feared.

Now the first was bad timing,
The second rough,
But the third time booted,
I'd had enough.

A letter I wrote,
Addressed to Steve Case,
Telling him what I would do,
If we ever came face to face.

I wrote in great detail,
Just how he would pay,
For my getting booted,
Three times getting layed.

You may think this funny,
A ass-slappin hoot,
But the next time you cyber,
WATCH OUT FOR THE BOOT

Brickbats: Terse obsersations and other mild forms of humor

My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.

Can a person be chalant? Can weather be clement? And are children ever ruly?

I went to a strip mall the other day with my friend. Let me tell you, I was disappointed. Everybody else had on clothes.

My best pickup line is: "Hi, I'm Bob. Do you speak English?"

Somewhere in my office, in the vicinity of my desk, there exists a black hole into which all my pens disappear.

A woman was scooping up an armload of toaster pastries just as I was contemplating their ingredients. I said to her, "These things could kill you." She said, "Well, they're just for the kids."

The penalty for bigamy is two wives.

The 6 o'clock news said to tune in at 11 for a list of the condoms being recalled. Hey, my wife and I go to bed at 10.

It's getting tougher all the time to drive in Macon. Today, an old lady -- and her grandkids -- all gave me the finger.

Baseball Rules Section 3.12.5 -- The strike zone shall consist of an area from the kneecap to the midpoint between the waist and shoulders vertically and shall be as wide as the home-plate umpire's hind quarters.

You can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T involve 49,000 selections to choose from.

Kids that work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to make you angry by calling you "sir" or "ma'am".

You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video.

At one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm.

There were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of "Skip" "Buffy" "Muffy" or "Dexter".

You ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons.

You used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool and the thought that Mr. T made millions seemed rational to you at the time.

You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old big wheel quite obsolete.

The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.

You read the "Hot Video Games Player's Secrets" guide for Mortal Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old time's sake.

Honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.

You were convinced for years that Batman was a mildly overweight man with a moderate beer belly who wore his underwear outside of his clothes and talked strangely.

You thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted, your ship's photographer" on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo.

You're starting to dread you're 30th birthday, and have even begun going into denial about it's possibility.

Your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting"

* You can converse in middle schoolease.

* Your last nerve is a distant memory...

* Every day is a bad hair day.

* You find humor in public parental discipline.

* You worry about getting sued for self-esteem violiations.

* You believe the staff room should be equipped with Valium salt licks.

* You stand on your front porch instructing the neighbor children to "Walk!"

* Junior Highers make you feel old but you could not be paid to be that age again...

* You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to only work 8 - 3 and have your summers free."

* You refer to adults as "boys and girls"

* You encourage your husband by telling him he is a "good helper"

* You believe chocolate is a major food group.

* You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

* You believe "extremely annoying" should have its own box on the report card.

* You believe that unspeakble evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy,the kids are sure mellow today."

* When you are out in public you snap your fingers at children who are misbehaving.

* You give your husband "the look" when he "misbehaves."

* You have no life from August through June.

* Putting all "A"s on the report card would be so much easier.

* You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce, earned by having worked in a middle school for 5 years.

* You encourage a parent to check into home schooling.

* You can't have children of your own because there isn't a name you can hear that wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.

* You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.

* You think that caffeine should be available in I V form.

* Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like that?"

When you think of it, there are only two things you need to make people. You got to have sex. You got to have food. That's it. You don't need clothing, shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but otherwise, it's sex and food. But for some reason, sex is dirty.

Maybe God was a Republican. Somebody said, "All right, you want to propagate, go ahead, but only late at night, with all the doors closed, man on top, once a week, that's it." But not only can you eat the charred decaying flesh of other major mammals, you can do it in broad daylight and invite all your friends to watch: "Hey, Chuck, why don't you come over on Sunday? We're going to kill a pig, cut him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the kids, have a hell of a time."

What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple twist of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire culture would change. Food would become a four-letter word.

-When people got angry at you, they'd yell out "Oh yeah? Well, food you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper." -Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork. -Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests. "Ohmigod. It's a pepperoni." -Locker room talk would change. "Hey, man, how'd you do this weekend?" "Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut." -Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states. -Supermarkets would check I.D.'s and charge admission to the poultry section. -Frederick's of Hollywood would feature peekaboo napkins and day-of-the-week paper plates. -Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection. -Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues. "All right, put down your meat. Just back away from the buns,mister." -Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and a lot of them would move to the Bay Area. -Most suburban school districts would ban home ec. -Hookers would become cooks. You'd be accosted on street corners by plump ladies in Day-Glo aprons. "Hey, big boy, looking for a hot meal? Wanna crack some crab?" -Fudamental Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious tenet. -Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic. -Parents would tell their children not to play with their food or they'll go blind. -Kids would remember the first time their mother caught them marinating.

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Billy Bob, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Billy Bob continued, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well in that case," persevered Billy Bob, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."

"What if that was vandalized?"

"Oh, well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle."

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"

Billy Bob answered, "Because he's never seen a train crash."

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does NOT want to be there. "Sit, Fluffy," she says. Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said SIT, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed. Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and pees.

The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Goddamn it Fluffy, will you be good?!" Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office. As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says: "Pardon me, I've just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!"

If you receive an e-mail with a subject of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, mess up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play. It will give your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your Pepsi and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

Badtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current boyfriend/girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa card. It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower. These are just a few signs... be very careful!

THIS IS A JOKE for those of you who will wonder.