| 2701. All About Men...
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
Q: Why are men like commercials?
Q: Why are men like popcorn?
Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
Q: What do men and women have in common?
Q: How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their
guilt gifts?
Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
Q: How is a man like the weather?
Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a
single 40-year-old man?
Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating
hunger. What do men dream of?
Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
Q: Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Q: How are men like noodles?
Q: Why are men and spray paint alike?
Q: Why is food better than men?
Q: Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
Q: What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
Q: How do you grow your own dope?
Q: How are all men multiorgasmic?
Q: What about the man who saw the sign "Drink Canada Dry"?
Q: What does a woman do with her asshole before having sex?
Q: How do you get a man to do situps?
Q: What do men consider housecleaning?
Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
Q: What do men consider a 7 course meal?
Q: How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
Q: Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
Q: How can you tell if a man is excited?
Q: How do men exercise on the beach?
Q: What do men consider foreplay?
Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
Q: If men got pregnant....
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring,
and good-looking?
Q: Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Q: What is gross stupidity?
Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
Q: How do men sort their laundry?
Q: What can a bird do that a man can't?
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take
to
do the dishes?
Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
Q: Why did the man cross the road?
Q: Why do women fake orgasm?
Q: Why do men talk so dirty?
Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
Q: What do toy trains and breasts have in common?
Q: What do you have when you've got 2 little balls in your hand?
Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Q: What happens when a man opens his zipper? 2702. WHY SPORTS SCHOLARSHIP IS AN OXYMORON "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle" -- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." -- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker "You guys line up alphabetically by height" -- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school." -- Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements "I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class" -- George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." -- Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." -- Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece "The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes to see the game anymore." -- Yogi Berra "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." -- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 2703. We Have A Choice? A bunch of preachers are having a meeting in the rectory of a Catholic priest. Just as they're silently tuning up for some heavy orations, the priest offers all of them a whiskey to ease tensions and get the smell of religious napalm out of the air. "Don't mind if I do, thanks," says the Methodist vicar, who slugs down three fingers of Wild Turkey. "And you?" asks the priest of the born-again minister. "What?" the born-again shouts indignantly. "Drink alcohol? Why, I'd rather debauch in a whorehouse!" At this the Methodist spits his whisky back into the glass and hollers, "Whoa! You mean we get a choice?" 2704. READY-MADE RESOLUTIONS FOR INTERNETers - 1998 * Stop neglecting children; at least learn their names and birthdays * Stop circulating the "Good Times Virus" and "Join the Crew" e-mail * Read all of the mail from all of the lists I have subscribed to * Limit my subscriptions of lists to a maximum of fifty * Back-up 4 gig hard drive weekly; well, maybe at least monthly * Not rush to any ftp site as soon as I hear of a new Beta * Insist that all "ten best" lists be strictly limited to ten * Not buy magazines with AOL disks just to get another 1.44MB disk * Answer Snail Mail with the same enthusiasm & promptness as e-mail * Spend less than two hours a day on the Web; on new sites anyway * Try the e-mail version of the Mrs. Fields cookie recipe * Promise when I hear "Where do you want to go today?", I won't laugh * Think of a password other than "password" to use on web sites * Never "throw" another snowball via e-mail; at least not 'til next year 2705. Those Annoying Christmas Letters For those people who send you annoying, bragging Christmas Letters, send them this one: By Donald Plumley ** Christmas Greetings! **
It is that time of year again to share with you our adventures in this
journey we call life. 1997 has been another year of magic and wonder. Lori almost 3, is quite a talker. She continues to amaze the professors at the University with her intuition in foreign languages. It was fun for her to serve as Official Translator for Warren Christopher at the Bosnian-Serbian Peace Talks. She intends to spend this Holiday transcribing War and Peace into Arabic and Cantonese. Chris, now 5, is growing leaps and bounds. When he got his first set of building blocks he seemed quite interested in large buildings. This year he designed his first skyscraper and ground was broken in Hong Kong for the new "Little Man" Towers. It is great to have a budding architect at home as he made a new addition to the house and a wonderful gazebo for our garden. Martha Stewart will be filming her next show here in April. Betsy had a very busy year. In between her work as President of the American Cancer Society and Senior Partner of Goldman Sachs, she introduced a line of children's novels and hand made active-wear. She remains occupied with the children and has introduced them to Yoga and power walking this year. We are particularly proud of Mom as a starting forward representing the United States in the World Cup. Dave was immersed with his Graduate School studies, and managed to co-author a paper on Multidimensional Customer Attribute Analysis by Conjoint Survey and accept a Nobel Prize for his discoveries in Quantum Physics. Along the way Dave took three startups through their IPO. We are proud of his work serving on the Board of Directors of IBM, Coca-Cola, and Walt Disney. Dad was also active with the kids teaching Lauren Ballet and helping to lower Chris' handicap to 5. We were able to squeeze a little traveling in this year. We started in Aspen, went to Belarus, the Congo, Denmark, Ethiopia, the Falklands, Greenland,, Holland, Italy, Japan, Korea, Malaysia, New Zealand, Venezuela, and Zaire. Our trip sailing our new boat around the world was a great experience for the kids, we learned to communicate with Dolphins and discovered a new region of deep water volcanoes. And Sergeant, our German shepherd, learned to speak. Latin. Other than that, it was a very quiet year. So from our household to yours, all the Blessings of the Season and may your New Year be prosperous. We found out yesterday that we won the $150 Million Powerball Lottery. - Betsy, Dave, Chris & Lori 2706. Birth Order: Satire From a Youngest Child My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own = experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children: Feeling the Baby Move First Child: I placed my hand on my wives tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience. Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letters to our family. Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it our during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move. Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said "Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep." When it became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called the pizza man for a delivery. The Trip to the Hospital First Child: Every time we felt the slightest B&H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows. Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet. Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way. Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to t want her bleeding on the carpet. Pacifier Falls on Floor First Child: Mother picks it up, runs to the kitchen and disinfects it by boiling in water for ten minutes. Then, after it cools down for ten minutes, she gives it back to the child. Second Child: Mother picks it up, washes it off in hot water, blows on it to cool it down, and gives it back to the child Third Child: Mother picks it up, licks it off, and gives it back to the child. Fourth child: Dog picks it up and licks it off. Mother gives it back to the child. 2707. Ringing the Phone. It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by sending extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each other. Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: a. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar.. b. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current. c. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating on the ground... d. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring... Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them. But only temporarily.. 2708. I Love Bowling! Dear Mom, I am so excited. I met this terrific guy at church last Sunday and he's taught me everything there is to know about bowling... and is it a fun game! First he took me to his apartment to see his ten pin. This puzzled me at first as I thought bowling had something to do with ten pins not one ten-pin. He said it was best to begin with one; but I could try 10 later when I was experienced. He asked if I would like to polish his ten-pin and balls. I said sure so he took them out for me to see. Mom, he has the nicest little bowling bag with 2 balls in it...but he didn't want me to take them out of the bag. I looked around for a cloth to polish with but couldn't find any. He said I could just use my tongue and I did. As soon as I started that his ten-pin got super hard and big...I wondered if it would be fun to suck on and it was! he started moaning, though, so I had to stop. He told me to go ahead please as that was the best way to get the polish out. So I licked and I sucked and he moaned and I sucked. Suddenly my mouth was filled with his polish. I was so excited I swallowed the polish, but he didn't mind, he said we could make more after a few minutes. Then he said that I had a few bowling features, too---how come you and daddy never told me about them? He showed me my reset buttons on my chest and my very own bowling alley...and I didn't even know what they were for! He started playing with my reset buttons, first with his hands, then his tongue, then his hands, his tongue...I tried to lay still for him but my body started writhing around and I started moaning too...ooh it felt good! Then he checked out my alley and said he would eat a little before he threw a strike. When he started eating I nearly died! My eyes were crossing and my toes curled up so tight they hurt...but felt good too! My whole body was electrified with excitement, every muscle trembled at once! He had finished his snack, but I was now hungry so I started to go after his special polish. I licked one ball and then the other. I took his ten-pin deep into my mouth and started to suck. But he said to stop. He wanted to polish my alley with his ten-pin. I thought my alley had been polished pretty well already but I wasn't going to tell him, cuz I was ready for more. He thrust his hot hard pin deep into my alley and literally took my breath away for a momment. Then he started thrusting again and again. I LOVED it ! My whole body started to go crazy again! I was squirming and writhing underneath him while he worked and I felt like I was spinning higher and higher. I knew I was moaning and yelling, but I couldn't stop. It was so intense! He took me up, up, up to somewhere I've never been before...and I aim to go back again! He said he'd take me there as often as I wanted; but he needed a little rest first. Well mom, I really enjoyed bowling with him. But I just don't understand. Why do some people think bowling is dull? with love, Virginia. 2709. Easier Said Than Done... Every now and then we stumble across a package instruction that leaves us scratching our head -- or raising our eyebrows. Four cases in point: Once you've read the instructions on a box of Pepperidge Farm frozen raspberry turnovers, it's too late to obey them: "Preheat oven to 475 degrees F before taking package from the freezer." For incorrigible narcissists, Conair offers this safety tip with its hair dryers: "Never use while sleeping." A New Jersey reader was surprised to read the "patient counseling" instructions a local pharmacist typed onto a recent prescription for her cat. "Do not mix with alcohol," it warned. "Use caution when driving or operating machinery." Our reader noted, "We had no idea what the cat was up to when he felt good!" But the real eye-opener comes from Japanese manufacturer Yamaha. While perusing the assembly instructions for his new Electric Grand keyboard, a reader found a diagram showing assorted pieces of hardware and labeled with a single Anglo-Saxon word of instruction. We can't repeat the instruction in this family magazine, but we believe the company meant "screw". 2710. A Long Happy Life? A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing,"the woman said. "How old are you?" he said. |