KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on television.

Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing--which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even you don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

CONSULTANT: 666.

1. Your wife wants a diamond for her birthday, and you get her a Diamond Stealth Video Card.

2. You're in bed, making it, and it reminds you of how it must feel to be a floppy disk going into your new drive.

3. You know what PPP, SLIP, HTML & FTP mean...but damned if you can remember your wife's maiden name.

4. You sit in front of the tv...trying to type at a keyboard.

5. You "right click"....on your wife's nipples.

6. The "cute name" for your member has changed to "Joystick"....and you hold it the same way.

7. You find out that Hemorrhoids aren't THAT painful, as long as you're on the 'Net.

8. When someone yells out "What's for supper?" you do a search for SUPPER.COM.

9. Whenever your wife mentinions "protection", you remind yourself that you gotta get a keyboard protector.

10. You suspect there's a virus in your mashed potatoes.

11. You're starting to get an erection when you look at computer upgrades.

12. If you smoke away from the machine, you notice that the breaks are getting shorter and les frequent.

13. The optomestic looks deep in your eyes, and sees a screen saver.

14. You finally save up enough to visit the Grand Canyon, and you can't help but wonder how it would look on a 21" SVGA.

15. "Not tonight, I have a headache" has been replaced with "Not tonight, I finally got connected".

16. Your computer room has a better air conditioner than your bedroom.

17. You wonder if you can install your own fiber optics telephone line to your server.

18. You speak of "Your Server" with the same reverence you used to reserve for your Doctor?

19. You never met the guy, but you've already decided on a plan to assassinate Bill Gates.

20. You sit in front of the computer reading idiotic cyber stand up comedy like this.

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul...

And you learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises...

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security...

And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child...

And you learn to build all of your roads on today, because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans...

After a while, you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much, so plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers...

And you learn that you really can endure, and that you really are strong and you really do have worth!

Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society.

"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."

Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."

The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."

The beautiful young lady in the dentist's chair was nervously wringing her hands. " Oh dear," she said, "I'm so nervous. It's so frightening. I think I'd rather have a baby than my teeth seen to."

"Well," replid the dentist," which would you like the most just let me know and I'll adjust the chair and my clothes accordingly."

15. You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping -- with your Oldsmobile.

14. Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.

13. Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.

12. Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.

11. For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.

10. Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.

9. For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the *car*.

8. You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.

7. Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.

6. Absolut wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.

5. Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's VomitMan!"

4. The doorman asks for you I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.

3. Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.

2. Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.

and the Number 1 Sign You Drank Too Much This Weekend...

1. You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

A prisioner in jail receives a letter from his wife. "I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter, "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the gold."

A week or so later, he recieved another letter from his wife: "You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

WARNING: May be offensive to women, American politicians, Iraqis, the IRS, Russian Astronauts, the US Air Force, Dan Kwale, airline baggage handlers, Jack Kevorkian, Pete Rose, Woody Allen, Steven Seagal. Includes reference to illegal drug use. Mild language.

General Hugh Shelton was unanimously confirmed as chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. His wife was relieved - not every women can say her husband was certified as a non-adulterer by the US Senate.

El Nino could produce three times the normal amount of rain. It has already produced three times the normal amount of hype.

Saddam Hussain declared victory over the US, and is planning a "Victory To The People Day". Maybe we should provide the fireworks again. (Leno)

Paul McCartney says it's wrong to make criminals out of people who smoke pot. The problem is, pot is a gateway drug. One day you're not inhaling, the next day you're not violating campaign finance laws.

Sixty nine percent of Americans say the IRS has too much power and abuses that power. The remaining 31% were too afraid to fill out the survey. (Cutler Daily Scoop)

After Senate hearings, the IRS said it would review complaints and end quotas for audits. The IRS also agreed to stop playing the theme to "Jaws" when calling taxpayers. (Cutler Daily Scoop)

The US Postal Service issued commemorative stamps honoring legendary monsters. I'm saving Dracula for my tax return.

The US Air Force suspended training flights following several "incidents" involving multi-million dollar aircraft. The situation is so bad, Russian cosmonauts aboard the Mir are now telling Air Force jokes.

Former Vice President Dan Quayle is considering running for president in 2000. He's working on getting over the last hurdle - trying to spell 'millennium'.

Life magazine celebrated the millennium in its November issue by picking the 100 most important people of the last 1,000 years. Some folks you didn't see on that list include the inventor of call waiting and the creators of the macarena.

The Bush presidential library opened. Presidential libraries are a fairly new thing. They call them libraries because it doesn't have the same ring to say, "monuments we build to ourselves".

The Rolling Stones' "Bridges to Babylon" tour has been selling out. It's the first major rock 'n' roll tour sponsored by the AARP. (Cutler Daily Scoop)

The FBI has hired the former head of a nuclear weapons lab with no forensic experience to head up its troubled crime lab. It appears they've decided to just blow up the lab and start over.

According to a CBS poll, women are much better liars than men. At least that's what THEY say... they could be lying.

British Airways suspended two pilots who let a 5 year old handle the controls in flight. The pilots have been offered job on Mir.

In a recent poll about what bothers Americans most, being stuck in traffic was second only to crime. This explains why carjacking pisses us off so much...

Jack Kevorkian was recently issued a license to carry a handgun, or as he calls it, his assistant. (Leno)

It was 14 years ago that the cellular phone was introduced. Before that, drivers had to keep their hands busy with just a radio.

Some bad news if you're an auto enthusiast. Chevrolet is phasing out the Geo line of cars. The good news is, the Geo Metro will still be available at Toys R Us. (Leno)

Boeing has introduced the worlds largest twin engine jet, which can carry up to 550 passengers. Industry experts say it's so state of the art, airlines will be able to lose passengers luggage on board.

According to a new study, Americans now spend 94% of their time indoors. What do you expect from a culture that goes inside a gym to use a walking machine? (Cutler Daily Scoop)

Steven Seagal is going on tour as a country singer. I guess in addition to not winning an Oscar, he's working on not winning a Grammy.

According to a sociologist at Arizona State University, couples who don't have children are the happiest. Unless of course, you are Woody Allen, and the person you are dating IS one of the children... that just throws the whole thing off... (Leno)

Pete Rose is seeking readmission to baseball. He's confident major league officials will OK his reentry. In fact, he's willing to bet on it.

I just bought an F117 Stealth Fighter Monogram model. It comes with three houses and doesn't require assembly. (rec.humor.funny)

and yes, I know it's Dan Quayle...

The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Smith turned to his wife... "Show him, honey."

An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat.

Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the USAir employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said the the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?"

The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!"

The flight attendent said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane."

At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake - I'm Gay!"

Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm gay too! They can't throw us all off!"