KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

There are 2 nuns who went out the convent for selling cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (S.M.), the other is known as Sister Logical.

S.L. : It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
S.L. : Have you noticed a man that has been following us for the past half hour ?
S.M. : Yes, I wonder what he wants.
S.L. : It's logical. It's logical. He wants to rape us.
S.M. : Oh, no ! At this pace he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to do of course. We have to start walking faster.
S.M. : It is not working.
S.L. : Of course it is not working. The man did the only logical thing to do.
[He also started to walk faster.]
S.M. : So, what shall we do ? At this pace, he will reach us in less than 1 minute.
S.L. : The only logical thing we can do is to split. You go that way and I will go this way. He cannot follow both of us. So, the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not arrived yet.
Finally, Sister Logical arrives.
S.M. : Sister Logical ! Thank god you are here. Tell us what happened?
S.L. : The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he decided to go after me.
S.M. : So, what happened. Please tell us.
S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.
S.M. : So what happened ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.
S.M. : And what else ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
S.M. : Oh, no. What did you do then ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to do. I took my dress up.
S.M. : Oh, Sister. What did the man do ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to do. He put down his pants.
S.M. : Oh, no ! What happened then ?
S.L. : Isn't it logical Sister ? A nun with her dress up runs faster than a man with his pants down.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

People who live in glass houses shouldn't cavort nude on top of the piano doing gorilla impersonations.

A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.

If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on my cat.

Strangers are friends you haven't bled for an easy twenty yet.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely. The best laid plans of mice and men are worth just as much.

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses and, sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, Just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It make the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.

Try a little kindness. As little as possible.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

Ah, the thrill of modern dance! The sweeping musical majesty, the joy of poetic motion, the challenge of stuffing a dollar bill into a bouncing bikini brief...

How much of a tip to leave in a restaurant is always a controversial question. I usually recommend half a crouton, or for special service, throw in that little sprig of parsley.

Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers...and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

Men are like small children. You bring a new one home and the ones already there resent it.

I love playing cards with children. They can't tell you're dealing off the bottom of the deck.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em!

Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar... Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.

A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.

If they lined up all the men in the world...it would be one goofy line.

If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.

Winning isn't everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it... that's everything!

Men are like buses. They have spare tires and smell funny.

Last night I was in the mood to see something silly and idiotic on TV. So I put the cat there.

I don't know about art, but I know what makes me say, "$2000 for that piece of junk?! Are you nuts?!"

Somewhere, over the rainbow...that's where the airline will find my luggage. (^_^)

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't...you can't wait to throw up.

I've found a sure way to relieve office stress: Step 1: take a deep breath. Step 2: count to 10. Step 3: set the boss's wastebasket on fire.

1) What is your personal income level? Is it:
- Too much!
- Not enough money, but any more would make me evil.
- Whatever the government lets me keep.
- Money is a tool of the capitalistic overclass which etcetera etcetera etcetera.
- I have no income. I've rejected money and illegally inhabit a national park.

2) Describe your family:
- I'm married with three kids. Oh, and a live-in transsexual who joins us in our orgies.
- The rules of the commune prohibit disclosing personal information.
- I don't believe in families.
- I don't believe in the word "describe."

3) What is the most politically incorrect thing about Scooby Doo?
- Daphne never does anything but stand around and look pretty.
- Scooby was never referred to as a Canine-American.
- Velma is such a lesbian stereotype.
- Shaggy never shares his marijuana.
- "Scooby Snack" reward system encourages mass consumption.
- Criminals are actually put in prison.

4) There's this weird drunk hanging out in front of your home. Do you
- Give him two bucks and think highly of yourself.
- Direct him to a government agency that will help him.
- Start a government agency that will help him.
- Respect his personal choice.
- Give Senator Kennedy a ride home.

5) I'm against school vouchers because...
- Bad teachers need jobs too!
- The NEA is against it, and a labor union certainly wouldn't do anything in its own interest.
- A monopoly always yields better results than competition.

6) Bill Clinton's Welfare Reform Policy is:
- A document with "GOP" scribbled out & "Bill's" written in with a fat purple magic marker.
- "It's a trap that discourages work & rewards illegitimacy, and we're keeping it."
- What would you like it to be?
- What time is it?

7) Bill Clinton's Official Drug Policy is:
- Whatever the Republicans are currently working on.
- A new poster: "Don't Be A Shaggy; Share Your Drugs!"
- White House aides using drugs won't be allowed to work unless they're Democrats.
- "Just say no to inhaling!"
- What would you like it to be?
- What time is it?

8) Why do you admire Hillary Clinton?
- Anyone who can make $100K without knowing cattle futures deserves admiring.
- The only dead people I can conjure up are Paul Lynde and Redd Foxx.
- If only I could lie so convincingly!
- Hey! She puts up with Bill! Give her some credit.
- We need more strong, intelligent women in prison.

9) What would Bill Clinton have to do for you to not vote for him?
- Develop a big ugly eyestalk in the middle of his forehead.
- Appear in a remake of "Bedtime for Bonzo."
- Claim to be "more famous than JFK!"
- Wear a t-shirt showing a bullet-riddled Snoopy.
- Annex the Sudetenland and kill six million Jews.
- Join the Republican party.

10) If Bill and Hillary discovered _________ in Chelsea's room, they would disown her. ONLY ONE ANSWER IS CORRECT.
- Condoms.
- Marijuana.
- Cocaine.
- A videotape with a note: "It was fun! Here's a copy--Rob Lowe"
- An antique German lampshade with a registration tattoo on it.
- "The Way Things Oughta Be" by Rush Limbaugh.

11) Al Gore's dynamic speech pattern makes him an excellent choice for the position of:
- Vice President.
- President.
- Governor.
- Senator.
- Environmental spokesman.
- TalkieToy Robot recorded voice.
- Kindergarten teacher.

12) Bill Clinton strongly believes in
- Bill Clinton.
- Bill Clinton.
- Bill Clinton.
- Bill Clinton.

13) There is a logical, believeable way that missing Whitewater documents showed up in the White House reading room that adjoins Hillary's office after the administration claimed to have handed over all relevant documents:
- They were being used to line Sock's box.
- Time-travelling KGB spies plotting to avenge the fall of communism.
- They had been blank sheets of paper until Bill spilled lemon juice on them.
- That rascally David Copperfield again!
- Hillary had them.

SCORING: None. IF you think this is a humor page, you're a Republican. IF you had a hard time picking the best answer because they're all so true, you're a Democrat.

20. Try to sell home-made LSD to caller.

19. "Still not used to this whole electricity thing, huh?"

18. Proclaim your undying love.

17. Advise the customer to lick the power supply.

16. "So,what are you wearing?"

15. Constantly refer to caller as "Pumpkin".

14. As you look up a part number, whistle loudly in a monotone.

13. "You've got to be kidding."

12. "What you do is get yourself 50p and go and buy a clue."

11. Use baby talk.

10. "I don't get paid enough to deal with jerks like you."

9. Ridicule the inadequacy of the caller's system.

8. "Yo no hablo ingles."

7. Use metaphors based on your experiences with rabid dogs.

6. Laugh maniacally.

5. Twist the callers words to make it seem as if there is no problem.

4. "You're screwed. You're just screwed."

3. Encourage the caller to pound on the CPU casing.

2. Try to set up caller with your second cousin.

1. "How the hell did you get access to a computer?"

15. IRS demands a hundred years of interest from stunned taxpayers.

14. "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" song gets stuck in infinite loop.

13. At the stroke of midnight, Windows 99 turns back into DOS 1.0, the Pentium V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.

12. Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey"

11. Residents of Indiana have to figure out if they're off by 999 years, 364 days and 23 hours, or 1000 years and one hour.

10. Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only 2 digits.

9. Mel Brooks's "2000 year old man" skit stops being funny.... Oops, too late.

8. Sales of Coca Cola jumps drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.

7. Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost 1900, we technically have to "party like it's 1899," which, frankly, doesn't seem like much fun.

6. Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the "Gatesian" calendar.

5. Jesus shows up late for His second coming, blames it on COBOL programmers.

4. Computers temporarily fooled into thinking Strom Thurmond is only 103.

3. First Top 5 List of the year? "Reasons No One Would Ever Assassinate President McKinley"

2. Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some octogenarians.

and the Number 1 Unforeseen Consequence of the "Millennium Bug"...

1. Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe understaffing of fast-food restaurants.

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. --David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking class. --Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. --Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer. --Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

Coca-cola was originally green.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treas.

Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class: $40,000

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28

Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38

Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23- 33

Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80

Percentage of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50

Percentage of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58

Percentage of women who say they are happier: 85

Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90

Percentage of mammal species (including humans!!) that are: 3

Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7

Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3

Only food that does not spoil: honey

Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird

Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica

Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: Pig

Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.

An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.

In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.

Polar bears are left-handed.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.

Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.

Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.

Your nose and ears never stop growing.

Hot water is heavier than cold.

They have square watermelons in Japan...they stack better.

Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.

There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.

Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

Men get hiccups more often than woman.

Armadillos can be housebroken.

A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asks the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing"

Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" OK, the man thought, I'll give it a try, so he bought it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried and put away. Great, thought the man.

Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. 15 minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the centipede, and off it went.

15 minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. 45 minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede.

As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?"

"Hold on a minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on my boots!!!"

10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.

9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.

8. My work has a lot of practical importance.

7. I would never date an undergraduate.

6. Your latest article was so inspiring.

5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.

4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.

3. The department is giving me so much support.

2. My job prospects look really good.

1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.

"Buying" a car differs from being "run over" by a car in that it takes longer and you have to talk to more people. I try to avoid buying vehicles altogether, but a recent conversation with my mechanic, Melvin Walletdrainer, convinced me it would be cheaper to enroll my aging GMC Jimmy in Yale than to fix everything that ails it. Per Melvin, "The engine and transmission is broke," meaning that if I try to address this sad situation I will be in similar straits.

Seized by some sort of madness, I begin watching local TV ads for car dealerships, thinking maybe I should break from my tradition of buying pre-owned, pre-repossessed, pre-stolen automobiles and purchase one still crisp from the factory. In my favorite commercial, a dealer with a Caribbean tan and a pinky ring stands in a Superman costume and declares, "No one can beat my super deals." Now come on, he has to be honest, right? People might stoop to a lot of lows, but no male would ever, ever besmirch the cape and red "S" of Superman.

So, my vehicle billowing smoke as if attempting to cremate itself en route, I pull into the dealership, where my car door is immediately yanked open by a young man who appears to place an awful lot of faith in the beautifying properties of hair oil. Looking him over, I decide to invest all of my money in cologne manufacturers and cigarette stocks. He drags me across the showroom and throws me against a new Mustang convertible. "This is the car for you, right? Want to impress the women, right? They love this car. They'll love YOU in this car."

(Ok, yes, I want to impress women. I've ALWAYS wanted to impress women. However, a youth full of experimentation has convinced me that there is nothing I can do to accomplish this goal short of wearing a red "S" and a pinky ring. Certainly driving a neon blue Mustang will elicit nothing from them but the observation, "there goes another old guy in a convertible." Besides, I've been married for a long time now, and if I pull in the driveway with a brand new sports car, my wife will be a lot of things, but "impressed" will not be among them.)

The car salesman appears excited to the point of rabies. "Okay, I can see you want this car. How about if I drop my drawers for you, I mean really show you what I've got?"

"I have no idea what you are saying to me."

"Okay, I can see you are a hard bargainer. I can respect that, I really can. I tell you what I am going to do, I am going to cut my commission out of the deal altogether, I mean, because I like you."

"Um... "

The Salesman rolls his eye in a grand mal seizure expression. "Man, you are really Balls to the Wall on this! Okay, and this is the best I can do, I might be fired for this and probably go to jail, but for you, I will sell this car to you at a five hundred dollar loss. That's it, I can't cut the price any more."

"But I don't want this car."

"Okay, look, I might as well lay it on the line, my manager will not, I repeat not, let you leave without buying this car."

"You mean I'm kidnapped?"

"Maybe if I apply the rebate and give you the discount financing, I'm not supposed to do both but for you I will, I'm going to give you this car for practically free."

"Is there anyone here who speaks English?"

"Hey man, what is this? Are you leading me on or what? You're not a tire kicker, are you? I mean, have I wasted all this time, or are we going to do a deal? Make me an offer, any amount, is what I'm saying. I don't care how low, we'll make it happen."

"Very well," I sigh. "I'll give you a thousand dollars for this car."

"Whoa! Okay, I'll talk to my manager, and see what I can do. I'll really go to bat for you on this, but it's going to be tough. Blood on the floor, you know what I mean? But you're my buddy, right? I mean, I'll do my best for you, and you'll do my best for me, right?"

"I've never had a better friend in my life," I state carefully to this madman.

He's gone for less than thirty seconds. His expression looks as if my offer so enraged his bosses they retaliated by shooting his dog. "Oh man, I tried, I really tried, but my manager says that even though we value your business, he can't accept your deal. I mean, the guy was literally crying, there were tears and everything."

"Yes, crying involves tears," I agree.

"So here's what's up. We're almost there. We are so close, we are pennies away from you driving out of here in the car you have wanted your whole life. Your thousand gets the job done, didn't I tell you I'd go to bat for you? All we need to do is finance the balance, and we got a deal. I've got the papers here."

"And how much is the balance?"

"Twenty seven thousand dollars."

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize that a house came with it."

"Ha! You're a funny guy, I love you man."

"I'm going to go to my car and get my checkbook, okay?" I ask, edging toward the door. Two mechanics are gathered around my old car, pondering whether they should fix it or burn it. The engine turns over with noisy complaint-it had understood it wouldn't have to do this anymore. I stomp on the accelerator, pulling out of the lot as quickly as possible. This baby is probably good for at least a few thousand more miles.