KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

16. Hubby drops to 2 on the list of people drooling at the sight of your breasts.

15. Store clerks don't look at you so funny when you buy your regular weekly supply of diapers.

14. Finally, someone you can beat at "Got Your Nose," at least for a year or so.

13. You develop a liking for minivans, sensible shoes, and a deep-seated contempt for Michael Jackson.

12. You're not so tolerant of strangers asking to touch your round little belly anymore now that you're just FAT.

11. Goodbye, Happy Hour -- Hello, Happy Meal!

10. Can't leave the AK-47s under the couch anymore.

9. No longer get arrested for whipping out your breast on the subway.

8. The realization that caca comes in a rainbow of lovely colors.

7. Well, there goes the pet dingo.

6. Cases of Bud Light quickly replaced by cases of Butt Wipes.

5. Bundle of joy, my ass. Just another ingrate to buy cigarettes for.

4. Junior looks adorable in his little "sandbox", but the cat is seriously torqued about it.

3. Mama cuts back to a sixer a day now that she's only "drinkin' fer one."

2. For efficiency, your paycheck now direct-deposited to Disney.

and the Number 1 Change Now That the Baby has Arrived...

1. The closest you come to orgasm is when you think of sleep.

* A lawyer is a man who helps you get what's coming to him.

* A lawyer is someone who prevents somebody else from getting your money.

* I've got a brilliant lawyer. He can look at a contract and in less than a minute tell you whether it's oral or written.

* Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

* You've heard about the man who got the bill from his lawyer which said, "For crossing the street to speak to you and discovering it was not you... twelve dollars."

A quote attributed to one of America's founders, John Adams, in the play 1776: "I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two men are called a law firm, and three or more become a Congress."

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!" The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"

Q. What happens when you cross a Mafia don with a lawyer?
A. You have someone who makes you an offer you can't understand!

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust"

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company:" LOL!!

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks? (no offense k? )

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

I thought about being rich and it don't mean so much . . . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac.

If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?

Wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?

I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from:"

I have decided that Nostalgia is the VCR of our minds.

A Priest and a Rabbi, who have been the best of friends for years, were always arguing the finer points of thier respective theologies, trying to prove the other one was wrong.

One day they were riding in a car, they got cut off by a drunk driver.

The car flew off the road, rolled five times end-over-end, and came to rest on it's roof. The Priest and Rabbi crawled from the wreckage and were amazed they were alive.

As the Priest crossed himself, he noticed the Rabbi doing the same.

The Priest shouts "Praise Be! You've seen the Light!"

"What?" said the Rabbi.

"You-you've crossed yourself. You have seen the True Way! This is wonderful."

"Cross myself?!? No no no. I was just checking everything was OK. "Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet and Watch."

In the beginning there was a plan. Then came the assumptions. The plan was without substance. The assumptions were without form. Darkness was upon the face of the workers.

And they spoke amongst themselves saying: "It is a crock of shit and it stinketh!"

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said: "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odour thereof!"

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying: "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, Such that none may abide by it!"

And the Managers went unto the Management Committee saying: "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength!"

And the Management Committee spoke amongst itself saying unto one another:

"It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong!"

And the Management Committee gave counsel unto the Vice Presidents saying unto them: "It promotes growth and it is very powerful!"

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President saying unto him: "This new plan will activily promote the growth and vigour of the company with powerful effects!"

And the President looked upon the plan and saw that it was good. And so the plan became policy.

And that's how shit happens.

A search of the Internet for what it calls relevant documents found 32,822 about President Clinton's knee and 15,378 about Boris Yeltsin's liver. This has obvious implications for the summit.

A federal meat inspector was arrested for stealing livestock gallstones in Minnesota. Investigators said Mary Claire Stevens planned to sell them for $550 an ounce. The gallstones are popular as an aphrodisiac in Asia. So are powdered sea horses, tiger bones, seal sex organs and big bottomed ants, according to recent reports. Everything is an aphrodisiac in Asia.

Women are more likely to say "I'm sorry" than men, linguistic researchers found, and many will be sorry to hear it, and will likely say so.

Dr. Darrell Brett, a neurosurgeon, refused to move his car from a no-parking zone at an airport in Portland, Oregon. A parking attendant stood in front of Brett's Mercedes writing the ticket. Brett aimed the car at her and gave her a bump, sprawling her on the hood. He drove away saying that he could "buy and sell" people like her. It will cost Brett $1 million to buy June Grittman now, because that is what the jury awarded her. He still hasen't said he was sorry.

The national sport of Afghanistan is "buzkashi," in which men riding horses on a dirt field try to score goals by grabbing and advancing the headless carcass of a calf.

This week is National Brain Awareness Week. Try to act accordingly.

If you stand in the middle of Honolulu and shout the name "Max" loudly enough, 809 dogs will come, according to the records of the Honolulu Humane Society.

The town of Stockbridge, Vermont, said in its annual report that it had to replace its computer and the slide-in sander on its one ton truck. That was the major news from Stockbridge. Lucky town.

After researchers announce a glass of wine can keep heart disease away, new research suggests a glass of purple grape juice or a glass of beer may also help. Until further notice, you might consider starting each day with wine, purple grape juice and beer, just to be safe.

Jennifer Desjardins of NYC made more that a dozen calls to the Psychic Friends Network. The psychics predicted wealth. They went on and on about wealth. Desjardins received her phone bill. And at $3.99 a minute, it came to $3000. "It made me feel like such a jerk," she said. She shouldn't feel so bad; the psychics were right, they just never said WHO would be wealthy.

I became fully aware last night that I've been spending entirely too much time with my computer. The first clue was when I noticed that my right hand is now permanently cramped into the famous "Microsoft Mouse" position.

The second hint was a little more tragic . . .

As I lay in bed last night looking at my wife, thinking how nice it would be to have sex with her, I rested my hand upon her breast and gently cupped it (having no choice, since my right hand is now permanently cramped). I heard a soft moan, but moments later found myself relegated back to my side of the bed. Alas, I had double clicked her nipple.

*All that glitters is not...necessarily something you want your daughter sticking through a hole in her nose.

*A penny saved is...something you could've invested in the biggest bull market in history, if only you hadn't listened to your brother-in-law.

*The early bird catches...hell from the union.

*The road to hell is...paved.

*If you can't stand the heat...hire an assistant.

*the squeaky wheel...got to be lead singer in my son's rock group.

*It's always darkest just before...you try to find your seat in a movie theater.

*To err is..not permitted by the IRS, and to forgive is unheard of!

10: You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.

9: He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.

8: When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7: Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6: Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

5: Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net".

4: Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

3: His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.

2: For his welcome voice on AOL, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President".

1: You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa now, Professor I- Don't-Give- A's-In-Computer-Science!"

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Income Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive.

I feel it's only fair -- since they are minors, and no longer my responsibility -- that the government knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them back to me and reinstate the deductions; this year, however, they are yours.

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Just ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their tax returns. While she has had no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that expense.

While you mull that over, keep in mind she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Health and Human Services funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence -- and, in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I'm quite relieved you will be handling it in the future. May I suggest you reinstate Jocelyn Elders; she had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little to close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself someday if you don't incarcerate him first.

In February I was rudely awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or sent directly to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple.

Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time since he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll be sure to file your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he, and all his friends, have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone, and it will be much more peaceful once he has moved in with you. DO NOT leave him or any of his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, flammables, inflatables, vehicles or telephones. (I'm sure you'll find the telephones a source of unimaginable amusement; be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers.)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10, going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately, your recent tax increase will help you offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked on Phonics" is

expensive, so the schools dropped it. Good news, though! You can buy it yourselves for half the amount of the deduction you are denying.

It's quite obvious we were terrible parents (ask the other two), so they have "helped" raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backward, pants baggy, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I'm sure you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room, and I think it would be easier to move the entire thing rather than find out what's really in there.

You denied two of the three deductions so I guess it's only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer you take the two youngest; I'll still go bankrupt with Kristen's college expense but then I'm free! If you take the two oldest, at least I have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours Truly,
John Smith