KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

This week I am at home & playing house husband. My wife left a list of things I need to do. This is soooooo easy I thought I would share it with you.

1). Make the beds...... What a waste of effort, were only going to sleep in them again tonight. forget that Scratch one.

2). Pick up dog poop in yard....... It snowed last night, I don't see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop ? Scratch two.

3). Drop your skirts off at the cleaners....... Duhh I'm on vacation I don't need them. Scratch three. This is easy, whats the fuss. Think I'll go on AOL for awhile.

4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet....... Uhhhh thats a hard one. GOT IT, velcro on the door will keep them closed. Scratch four.

5). Mop kitchen floor..... The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me. Scratch five. Good doggie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow.

6). Find something fun for the kids to do..... That tinfoil in the microwave thing was kinda fun. Scratch six. This is way to easy I'll have lots of time for AOL.

7). Vacuum the carpets...... Thats a hard one....... Hey kids wanna have some more FUN. Scratch seven.

8). Feed kids lunch..... Hey kids, don't you have a friends house to go too ? YESSSS Scratch eight !!!!!!

9). Clean out hallway closet...... Hmmmm another hard one. That's it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed. Scratch nine. Boy O Boy am I good, lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa no lunch dishs !!!

10). Do laundry..... no problem I can do that while I'm on AOL. Scratch ten.

11). Fold laundry..... dang {S goodbye. Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna has to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear ?? Check this out a casmir barbie sweater, cool. Scratch eleven.

12) Put the laundry away.... Baskets in bedrooms work for me. Scratch twelve. This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain about house work ???

13). Water the Christmas tree... Oppp's good thing the carpet is absorbent. Scratch thirteen.

14). Grocery shopping, Buy toliet paper....... These old news paper will do, besides thats recycling & thats good for the earth.... Scratch fourteen.

15). Pick up the kids ...... Yeah right; were talking about my kids here. Parents will normally pay to drop them back off. They'll be back. Scratch fifteen. Wonder who's on AOL, Awww I have plenty of time. {S Welcome

16). Make dinner..... Easy, Hello do you deliver ? uhhh double that, Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow. Scratch sixteen.

17). Clean out the dog house...... duhh the dog sleeps in our bed, Like that needs to be done.

A man was sitting in a bar, on one side of him sat an emu, the other a cat. He ordered a round of drinks for the three of them and paid the bartender. The bartender brought their drinks and the three sat in silence drinking.

A short while later the bartender came back and asked if they would like another round, the cat indicated yes and the bartender poured another round and moved towards the cat for payment. The cat turned his head away and ignored the bartender, so the man reached into his pocket and took out money and paid the bartender.

After a while the bartender returned, asking if they would like another drink. This time the emu indicated yes, and another round was poured, the emu placed the money on the bar and the three continued drinking.

This continued all night, each time it came to the cat, the cat continued to turn it's head and ignore the bartender when payment was required. Finally, with the man in tears, cryng harder each time it was the cat's turn, the bartender, unable to contain his curiosity any longer asked the man what the situation was - he'd been in the bar all night drinking with an emu and a cat, and each time it was the cat's turn, it turned away, yet the emu paid up with no problems.

"Well", says the man "I found this lamp washed up on the beach, as I was rubbing it clean, a genie appeared and granted me a wish. I thought long and hard, then wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

15. Mute Newt!

14. The toilet paper can't be reached, and I'm about to be impeached -- RMN

13. This is my veto, this is my cane. This one's fer sell'n, and this one's fer lay'n.

12. If you think love is blind call the Justice Department. Ask for Janet.

11. Kenneth Starr does it in his briefs.

10. Flush twice; it's a long way to Congress.

9. George Washington slept here... but we're still waiting for the check!

8. Bubba Slept Here.. and here.. and here...

7. Whig Party Rulz 4ever!!!

6. Here I sit, broken hearted -- my welfare bill has been discarded.

5. Paula exaggerated.

4. Clinton is a potatoe head!

3. If your missile is having a crisis, call Marilyn at 555-3621

2. Buddy Sniffs Butts

and the Number 1 Graffiti Saying in the White House...

1. Here I sit with my pasty white thighs, wishin' I had me some burgers and fries.

15. During lovemaking, remains levitated just above a perfectly made bed and insists you do likewise.

14. Not only cuts up your steak for you, but numbers it as well.

13. The blindfold. The cuffs. The way she makes you yell "Thank you, Ms. Reno! May I have another?"

12. After you reach over to unlock his car door, he makes you do it again the *right* way.

11. He accedes to a romantic horse and buggy ride through Central Park -- *if* they let him drive.

10. Becomes furious if you have on your Tuesday socks at 11:30 pm Monday night.

9. He's carrying a copy of "Men are From Mars, Women Should Just Do What I Say."

8. "You idiot! That's not how you send a submission to the Top 5 list! Here, give me that keyboard."

7. If you use the wrong fork at dinner, she jabs the correct one into your neck.

6. When you threaten to leave her, she responds screaming, "And do what, Pretty Boy? Another AAMCO commercial?!?"

5. Swears she wouldn't correct you about your breathing if you weren't "doing it all wrong."

4. She sits on the couch and heckles that sloppy Martha Stewart Show.

3. Refuses to let you call Mia on Mother's Day.

2. His TV remote has a PIN number.

and the Number 1 Sign You're Dating a Control Freak...

1. She keeps telling you that even though you're just a humble boy from Arkansas now, if you stick with her, you'll be President someday.

My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love,

Your Wife

I came down with laryngitis last week, and one day while I was petting a Shetland Pony at the zoo, a friend of mine asked, "How are you today?." I responded, "I'm feelin a little horse."

As the shopper placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her "Paper or plastic?" "Doesn't matter" she replied, "I'm bisackual."

I took my 4 year old son to see the latest Disney movie. Before the main feature was a Donald Duck cartoon. My son got up and asked to be excused and I asked him why. He told me Donald Duck always gives him Disneyspells.

An ace British aviator was knighted by Queen Elizabeth. Afterwards, every time he flew over Buckingham Palace he would did his wings in salute. The Queen was asked, "Who is that?" She replied, "That's the fly-by knight!"

A one-L lama is a Tibetan Priest.
A two-L llama is a South American beast of burden.
A three-L lllama is a helluva fire.

Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis were a comedy team before they separated to have separate careers. It was Dean who finally had enough and quit telling Jerry, "I'm tired of being the guy from the wrong side of the cracks."

The wife of a Las Vegas doctor telephoned a local casino and asked to have her husband paged."Sorry, Madum," came the reply, "The house does not make doctor calls"

Betsy Ross asked a group of colonists for their opinions of the flag that she had made. It was the first flag poll.

Thomas Jack, an Englishman, invented the automated packaging machine which revolutionized commercial sales in 1924. He was known as Jack the Wrapper and he made a bundle.

Employees at AAMCO Mufflers complain that it is exhausting work.

When the first marble building was built, everyone took it for granite.

Show me a blacksmith who is making hardware for a bathroom, and I'll how you a man who is forging a head.

William Canby is credited with inventing the first computing scales, which proves that where there's a Will, there is a weigh.

Every successful Department Store knows that elevators have their ups and downs, but escalators are a step in the right direction.

In Kentucky, they have equine motels to provide horses with a stabile environment.

The inventor of artificial snow originally called his product Snow Fakes.

The Janitors Union went on strike demanding sweeping reforms. The Baker's Union, however, wanted more dough.

When the first calendar was produced in 1640, everyone knew its days were numbered.

All this talk lately about what to call Clinton's latest escapade. Tail-gate, forni-gate, Monica-gate, ... not to mention all the other scandals he's been accused of participating in.

Perhaps it's time to just lump them all together as a set -- the "Bill-gates".

No, wait, that could be confusing. After all, the president is accused of using his power and prestige to screw lots of people where as the head of Microsoft is being accused of.. um... Oh never mind.

1) The "Sermon on the Mount" would be a musical.

2) Jesus would *never* wear white after Labour Day.

3) Priests would get married... wait a minute... never mind.

4) The Gospels would be Matthew, Mark, Luke and Bruce.

5) Mary's hair would be FLAWLESS.

6) The Temple would not have been cleansed of money changers, just re-decorated.

7) The water at the Wedding Feast of Canaan would have turned into dry martinis with just a splash of Curacao for colour.

8) The Triumphal Entry just screams for a drag number.

9) Replace the "Beatitudes" with "Fabulous are they..."

10) The Last Supper would have been a brunch.

"Daddy, how much do you make an hour?" With a timid voice and idolizing eyes, the little boy greeted his father as he returned from work.

Greatly surprised, but giving his boy a glaring look, the father said: "Look, sonny, not even your mother knows that. Don't bother me now, I'm tired."

"But, Daddy, just tell me please! How much do you make an hour?" the boy insisted.

The father, finally giving up, replied: "Twenty dollars per hour."

"Okay, Daddy. Could you loan me ten dollars?" the boy asked. Showing his restlessness and positively disturbed, the father yelled: "So that was the reason you asked how much I earn, right? Go to sleep and don't bother me anymore!"

It was already dark and the father was meditating on what he said and was feeling guilty. Maybe, he thought, his son wanted to buy something.

Finally, trying to ease his mind, the father went to his son's room. "Are you asleep, son?" asked the father.

"No, Daddy. Why?" replied the boy, partially asleep.

"Here's the money asked for earlier," the father said.

"Thanks, Daddy!" rejoiced the son, while putting his hand under his pillow and removing some money. "Now I have enough! Now I have twenty dollars!" the boy said to his father, who was gazing at his son, confused at what his son had just said. "Daddy, could you sell me one hour of your time?"

They always grow up too fast! This could be any of us on any given day!

A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church". The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed". "Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...." Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed". Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves. The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and bad news. "The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion ... The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account".