KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

1. When the priest says "God", you say "That's my name, don't wear it out".

2. Drink the Holy Water.

3. Wear a joy buzzer on your hand while giving people the sign of peace.

4. Steal the wine.

5. Scream "Bible fight" in the middle of mass.

6. Make out with your girlfriend / boyfriend in the back pew.

7. Tell the priest that one of your sins was peeing in the holy water.

8. When the priest says something in latin, you reply with "Biggus Dickus".

9. Put Monopoly money in the basket.

10. Stand when people kneel, kneel when people sit, and sit when people stand.

she sent me a fax with a stamp on it

she thought a quarterback was a refund

she tripped over a cordless phone

she put lipsick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind

she got stabbed in a shoot-out

she told someone to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK"

they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade

she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept

at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put "Sagittarius"

if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless

when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved

Did you hear about Little Johnny? He is four years old.

He was bugging Mother so she said, "Johnny, why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work. Maybe you'll learn something."

Little Johnny was gone about 2 hours. When he came home his Mother asked him what he learned.

Johnnyy replied, "Well, first you put the God damn door up, then the son of a bitch doesn't fit, so you have to take the shit head back down. Then you have to take a hair off each side and put the Mother f*cker back up."

Johnny's Mother said, "you wait til your Dad comes home." When Little Johnny's dad got home, mom told him to ask Johnny what he learned across the street. Johnny told his dad the whole story. Dad said, "Johnny, you go outside and get the switch."

Little Johnny replied, "F*ck you, that's the Electrician's job."

Dear Mom & Dad:

We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love,
Cole

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

Top Ten List of Silliest Questions asked on a Cruise Ship by Paul Grayson, Cruise Director for the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line's Sovereign of the Seas Cruise Ship - 1998

10. Do these steps go up or down?

9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?

8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?

7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?

6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?

5. Does the ship make its own electricity?

4. Is it salt water in the toilets?

3. What elevation are we at?

2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day... the question asked...If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?

1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps and stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout .... run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

I came down with laryngitis last week, and one day while I was petting a Shetland Pony at the zoo, a friend of mine asked, "How are you today?." I responded, "I'm feelin a little horse."

As the shopper placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her "Paper or plastic?" "Doesn't matter" she replied, "I'm bisackual."

I took my 4 year old son to see the latest Disney movie. Before the main feature was a Donald Duck cartoon. My son got up and asked to be excused and I asked him why. He told me Donald Duck always gives him Disneyspells.

An ace British aviator was knighted by Queen Elizabeth. Afterwards, every time he flew over Buckingham Palace he would did his wings in salute. The Queen was asked, "Who is that?" She replied, "That's the fly-by knight!"

A one-L lama is a Tibetan Priest.
A two-L llama is a South American beast of burden.
A three-L lllama is a helluva fire.

Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis were a comedy team before they separated to have separate careers. It was Dean who finally had enough and quit telling Jerry, "I'm tired of being the guy from the wrong side of the cracks."

The wife of a Las Vegas doctor telephoned a local casino and asked to have her husband paged."Sorry, Madum," came the reply, "The house does not make doctor calls"

Betsy Ross asked a group of colonists for their opinions of the flag that she had made. It was the first flag poll.

Thomas Jack, an Englishman, invented the automated packaging machine which revolutionized commercial sales in 1924. He was known as Jack the Wrapper and he made a bundle.

Employees at AAMCO Mufflers complain that it is exhausting work.

When the first marble building was built, everyone took it for granite.

Show me a blacksmith who is making hardware for a bathroom, and I'll how you a man who is forging a head.

William Canby is credited with inventing the first computing scales, which proves that where there's a Will, there is a weigh.

Every successful Department Store knows that elevators have their ups and downs, but escalators are a step in the right direction.

In Kentucky, they have equine motels to provide horses with a stabile environment.

The inventor of artificial snow originally called his product Snow Fakes.

The Janitors Union went on strike demanding sweeping reforms. The Baker's Union, however, wanted more dough.

When the first calendar was produced in 1640, everyone knew its days were numbered.

In the lower ranks of the MIS world, sorting out job titles is a nearly impossible task. Some folks are called Analysts. Some are called Programmers. Some are called Engineers. None of them has window offices.

So I have listed -- from lowest to highest in order of prestige -- and described the 10 most commonly used job titles in a data processing shop.

A truly experienced high-tech professional has held five or even six of these positions . . . usually all at the same time.

10. Programmer:
This person holds the lowest rank in the DP field. Manages no one. Answers to everyone. Approximately 50% of the Programmer's time is scheduled for testing. Another 50% is spent filling out time cards and progress reports. Any time left over is spent attending classes on technologies that will never be used in the shop.

The Programmer is appraised on code quality and reliability. Never has time to write any. Hopes to, someday, be promoted to Systems Analyst.

9. Systems Analyst:
The Systems Analyst refuses to code anymore. Designs new systems. Writes specs for new systems. Devises procedures and work flows for new systems but ends up training users on how to get by with the old ones. Next in line for Team Leader position.

8. Team Leader:
A Team Leader manages one project. Doesn't know why he's not called Project Leader; that's what he has on his resume.

7. Project Leader:
Manages several projects at once. Analyzes Gantt charts from the Team Leaders' projects. Coordinates schedules from the Team Leaders' projects. Monitors deliverables from the Team Leaders' projects. Has absolutely no idea what any of the Team Leaders' projects are about. Wants to be a programmer again.

6. Operator:
The Operator wields powers that the Project Leader can only dream about. Makes Programmers beg for tape drives. Makes Analysts beg for disk space. Makes Team Leaders beg for printouts. Has an uncanny understanding of career potential in the data processing industry. Going to law school at night.

5. Systems Programmer:
Even an Operator wants to be a Systems Programmer. A Systems Programmer has the authority to wipe out disk packs without warning. Crash the system during user demos. Make new releases appear, then disappear, then reappear again, especially during month-end processing.

4. DBA:
No one really knows what the Database Administrator does, and no one is smart enough to know if the DBA is doing it or not. But every shop must have one DBA, because no place can afford two of them.

3. Manager:
The Manager is sometimes called a Director. Or an Assistant Vice-President. Or an Account Manager. Has completely lost touch with any facsimile of technology. Wants to finish next year's budget. Wants to finish last year's appraisals. Wants to learn the names of some of the Programmers. But instead, only has time to interview job applicants, especially DBAs.

2. Department Secretary:
The Programmers have word processing. The Managers have electronic mail. Everyone has automatic phone messaging. This leaves the Department Secretary with all kinds of time to manipulate, control and dispense the three most basic employee needs: paychecks, rumors and supplies. Can make copier self-destruct just by going to lunch.

1. Contract Programmer:
A Contract Programmer doesn't have to wear a nice suit. Or go to meetings. Or fill out time cards. Or keep complaints to himself. He can make all the mistakes he wants. He doesn't get benefits. He doesn't get training. He doesn't get respect.

But after years in the trenches, the Contract Programmer will finally achieve the ultimate goal in the profession: He will be able to make impossible deadlines with inadequate resources for desperate managers by putting in all kinds of extra hours... and will be paid overtime for every one of them.

author unknown

It's 1880, the decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west.

The place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon. The young man walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Bat Masterson sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Bat and said, "Mr. Masterson, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?"

Bat Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you."

The boy stepped back and Mr. Masterson said, "You look good. You're wearing black, you've got two ivory handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what's more important, son, is: Can you shoot?"

The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano player's right sleeve.

Bat Masterson said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?"

Before Masterson could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player's left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun. "How was that?" the boy asked Masterson.

Bat Masterson smiled and looked up and the boy and said, "That was pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you."

"What's that?" the boy asked.

"I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep in the lard."

Puzzled the young gunslinger asked Masterson why he should do that.

Masterson put his cards down again, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Well son, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano over there, he's going to take those two guns of yours and. . . "

The boy didn't wait for the rest of the answer.

An Mid-Westener walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Mid-Westener is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Mid-Westener says, "What's that noise?"