KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

10. Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.

9. Dr.Kevorkian is hired as an "Outplacement Coordinator".

8. Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager.

7. The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz.

6. Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters.

5. Company President now driving a Ford Escort.

4. Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the local Taco Bell.

3. Employee discount days at the local "Army & Navy Surplus Store" are discontinued.

2. Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String, pliers and 2 aspirin).

1. Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked with all existing departments in the Company.

Remember folks, "We're not Downsizing, we're Rightsizing!!"

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"Alright. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

A Priest and a Rabbi, who have been the best of friends for years, were always arguing the finer points of thier respective theologies, trying to prove the other one was wrong.

One day they were riding in a car, they got cut off by a drunk driver.

The car flew off the road, rolled five times end-over-end, and came to rest on it's roof. The Priest and Rabbi crawled from the wreckage and were amazed they were alive.

As the Priest crossed himself, he noticed the Rabbi doing the same.

The Priest shouts "Praise Be! You've seen the Light!"

"What?" said the Rabbi.

"You-you've crossed yourself. You have seen the True Way! This is wonderful."

"Cross myself?!? No no no. I was just checking everything was OK. "Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet and Watch."

You find yourself listening to talk radio.

You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

Your wife buys a flannel nightie and you find that sexy.

You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.

You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.

You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

When jogging is something you do to your memory.

Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair.

Sex becomes "All that foolishness".

Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.

You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.

You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.

You actually ASK for your father's advice.

You don't know how to operate a FAX machine.

When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

A man walks into a tavern and sees a jarful of cash on the bar. He asks the bartender what the jar of cash is for and the bartender says "If you can make my horse laugh, you win the money." So, the man walks around back of the tavern, whispers in the horses ear and the horse starts laughing and snorting and stomping his hooves. The man walks back into the tavern and takes the jar of cash.

A few weeks later, the same man walks into the tavern and sees another jar of cash on the bar. He asks the bartender what the jar of cash is for and the bartender says "My horse hasn't stopped laughing since you were in here last and if you can make my horse stop laughing you win the money."

So the man walks around the back of the tavern and everyone hears the loudest sobbing and crying coming from the horse. The man walks up to the bar and reaches for the jar of cash. "Hold on a minute, says the bartender. I've gotta know what you said to that horse."

"Well," says the man, "the first time I came in, I told him that my dick was bigger than his."

"And the second time?" Asked the bartender.

"I showed him." said the man.

1. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

2. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. How do I set my laser printer on stun?

5. How is it possible to have a civil war?

6. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

7. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

8. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

9. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

10. If the 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still 2?

11. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

12. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

13. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

15. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

16. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

17. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

18. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

19. What happens when none of your bees wax?

20. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

21. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

22. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

23. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

Nearly a third of all bottled drinking water purchased in the US is contaminated with bacteria.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over 1 million descendents.

You are more likely to be struck by lightning that to be eaten by a shark. You are more likely to be infected by flesh-eating bacteria than you are to be struck by lightning.

If you urinate when swimming in a South American river, you may encounter the candiru. Drawn to warmth, this tiny fish is known to follow a stream of urine to its source, swim inside the body, and flare is barbed fins. It will remain firmly embedded in the flesh until surgically removed.

The soft plastic headphones used on airplanes create a warm, moist environment in the ear canal that is ideal for breeding bacteria. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

On a plane, if the passenger in your seat on the incoming flight had serious gas, then you are sitting on a cushion full of disease-causing microbes.

Four sunken nuclear submarines sit at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. One, a Russian sub resting in deep water off of Bermuda, holds 16 live nuclear warheads. Scientists and oceanographers are unsure what the impact of the escaping plutonium will have, but warn that corrosion could create the proper chemical environment for a massive nuclear chain reaction.

In 1994, electromagnetic interference (EMI) from a nearby cellular telephone captivated a power wheelchair at a scenic vista in Colorado, sending the passenger over a cliff.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

15. Wakes up looking for a little hair o' the human who bit him.

14. Won't go near that darn chuck wagon, but when the bar cart rolls through, he's off like a shot.

13. Lately, you've noticed that he'll even hump a really UGLY leg.

12. No matter what you throw for him to fetch, always returns with a bottle of Cuervo and a lime.

11. Chases pink elephants around the yard instead of squirrels.

10. The only game she'll play with you is "Quarters."

9. Spends more time hugging the toilet bowl than actually slurping from it.

8. Sells house, moves to Vegas, shacks up with beautiful hooker.

7. Justifies quantities consumed by reasoning that they are in "dog beers."

6. When he hikes his leg at the fireplug he keeps falling over backwards.

5. Won't drink out of the toilet unless there's an olive in it.

4. Just signed to do a remake of "Old Yeller" with Kelsey Grammer and Robert Downey, Jr.

3. After a few too many at the office party, tries to pick up the boss's bitch.

2. "Ri *ruv* you, man!!"

and the Number 1 Sign Your Dog Has a Problem With Alcohol...

1. He used to bark -- now he just belches the chorus to "Louie, Louie."

Rule 1 - Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule 2 - If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule 3 - If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule 4 - It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule 5 - Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Rule 6 - Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Rule 7 - You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

Rule 8 - Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Rule 9 - Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule 10 - Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Rule 11 - When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

Rule 12 - Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

A man walks into a public men's room, His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart.

He approaches another man and asks, "Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?"

The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, whoappears to be crippled. He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man's pants.

Next, the man asks him to hold his penis while he pees. The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked.

Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his penis back in his pants.

"Oh, I can take care of that." the first man says, blowing on his fingers. "I think my nails are dry now."