| 2911. Pondering
How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you
ask them what time it is? Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while you're waiting for an elevator presses the already lit "up" button -- as though he somehow has magical powers that you didn't when you pressed it the first time? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? Why is the alphabet in that order? If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? Do fish get cramps after eating? How come abbreviated is such a long word? Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are? Why is there only one Monopolies commission?
Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Why do scientists call it "re"search when looking for something new? 2912. Sex Education ========================= BIRDS AND THE BEES My mother told my father to tell me about the birds and the bees. He took me to Coney Island, pointed to a couple making love under the boardwalk, and said, "Your mother wants you to know that the birds and the bees do the same thing." --George Burns ========================= NO HOMEWORK A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework." ========================= SEX EDUCATION "Mom, I'm pregnant." "How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?" "That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest." ========================= SEX EDUCATION "Sex education has its own special problems," an instructor in the field pointed out to me. "One of my students has become pregnant, and I don't know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit." 2913. The Top 15 Signs Your Parents Aren't Human 15. While watching "Star Trek - The Next Generation", they always scream, "Wrong! Wrong again!!" 14. No amount of arguing will stop them from voting Republican. 13. Mom has finally kicked her oxygen habit, but Dad still guzzles Prestone like it was Gatorade. 12. Your mom once moistened an envelope with her tongue and sealed it...after you had dropped it in the mail box. 11. Two words: Sansabelt slacks 10. Your first clue? They named you Jon Benet and you don't live in France. 9. Them: three-toed marsupials with pouches. You: love eucalyptus leaves and talk with funny accent. 8. They freak every time a Sigourney Weaver movie comes on. 7. Billy's parents -- the paddle. Timmy's parents -- the belt. Your folks -- the probe. 6. They claim they brought you from France, yet no one in the family is surly. 5. Your navel is threaded. 4. You've escaped countless punishments by distracting them with the sound of the can opener. 3. Your backyard satellite dish is larger than your neighbor's, by about 700 feet. 2. Your chore list includes the item, "polish coffins." and the Number 1 Sign Your Parents Aren't Human... 1. In addition to milk, breast feeding menu includes hors d'oeuvres, salad, and an entree. 2914. British Military The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's".... His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. I would not breed from this Officer. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. Technically sound, but socially impossible. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. Only occasionally wets himself under pressure 2915. Parent's Take Heed... "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?" With a timid voice and idolizing eyes, the little boy greeted his father as he returned from work. Greatly surprised, but giving his boy a glaring look, the father said: "Look, sonny, not even your mother knows that. Don't bother me now, I'm tired." "But, Daddy, just tell me please! How much do you make an hour?" the boy insisted. The father, finally giving up, replied: "Twenty dollars per hour." "Okay, Daddy. Could you loan me ten dollars?" the boy asked. Showing his restlessness and positively disturbed, the father yelled: "So that was the reason you asked how much I earn, right? Go to sleep and don't bother me anymore!" It was already dark and the father was meditating on what he said and was feeling guilty. Maybe, he thought, his son wanted to buy something. Finally, trying to ease his mind, the father went to his son's room. "Are you asleep, son?" asked the father. "No, Daddy. Why?" replied the boy, partially asleep. "Here's the money you asked for earlier," the father said. "Thanks, Daddy!" rejoiced the son, while putting his hand under his pillow and removing some money. "Now I have enough! Now I have twenty dollars!" the boy said to his father, who was gazing at his son, confused at what his son had just said. "Daddy, could you sell me one hour of your time?" They always grow up too fast! This could be any of us on any given day! 2916. You know you are in college too long when... * You consider McDonald's "real food" * You actually like doing laundry at home * 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends * It starts getting late on the weeknights * Two miles is not too far to walk for a party * You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it * You'd rather clean than study * "Oh wow, how did it get so late!" comes out of your mouth at least once a night * Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal * Minesweeper (or Solitaire) is more than a game it's a way of life * You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps * You know the pizza boy by name * You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark * You live for getting mail * Looking out the window is a form of entertainment * Prank phone calls become funny again * It feels weird to take a shower without shoes on * Whole wars can take place, and you are clueless (no connection to the outside world) * You start thinking and sounding like your roommate * Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth * Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime * You find out milk crates have so many uses * Wal-mart is the coolest store * The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday, (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday night) * You are sitting around making lists about how you know you've been in college too long 2917. Proof that the gene pool is contaminated! In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite of the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr. Michaels deck. Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail. Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed. He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported, "Followed by a loud thud.". Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries. "It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt." "It seems I've found myself on the Voyager of the Damned." The Holodoc (Time and Again) 2918. Who Holds The Title Some years ago, a New Orleans lawyer sought a direct Veterans Administration loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be approved if he could provide proof of clear title to the property offered as collateral. The title for the property in question was complicated and he spent a considerable amount of time reviewing all pertinent documents back to 1803. Satisfied with the depth and expanse of his examination, he submitted the information to the VA. He soon received a reply from the VA.: "We received your letter today enclosing application for a loan for your client, supported by abstract of title. The application forms are complete, but you have not cleared the title before the year 1803. Therefore, before full review and possible approval can a be accorded the application, it will be necessary that the title be cleared back before that year." Annoyed, the lawyer wrote the V.A.: "Your letter regarding titles in case #9378329 received. I note that you wish titles extended further back than I have presented. Your attention is invited to the following information to update your records for the property prior to 1803: a) I was unaware that any educated person would not know that the United States gained clear title to Louisiana from France in 1803. This title transfer was a result of a real estate transaction known as The Louisiana Purchase. b) France gained clear title to Louisiana by right of conquest from Spain under the Treaty of San Ildefonso (1800). c) The land came into the possession of Spain by right of discovery in 1492 by a sailor named Christopher Columbus. He was acting on behalf of Isabella, Queen of Spain, and had her permission to claim newly discovered lands for Spain. d) The good Queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles - almost as careful as the V.A.- took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before authorizing the voyage. e) The Pope is a servant of God; God created the world. f) Therefore, I believe that it is safe to presume that God created title that part of the world called Louisiana and thus was the original holder of the property in question. 2919. New Hubble Space Telescope Data The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene... 2920. Best excuses if you get caught sleeping in your cubicle... It's okay...I'm still billing the client. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to. I was working smarter, not harder. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people ! I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance I'm in the management training program Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend. This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamt about work! "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?" Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem. The coffee machine is broke.... Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off! It worked well for Reagan, didn't it? I was cross-training for telecommuting. Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic! Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands. The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot. I thought you(boss) were gone for the day. |