KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

God was looking down on earth one day and decided that things were not going to get better, in fact they were getting worse every day. He said to himself thet it is time to start over again with a new batch who might be able to do better than this bunch of human's are doing.

So he called up three men, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Micale Gorbachev. They are the three best media for getting his message across. He told the that he was disapointed with mankind as it is and that he was going to destroy the earth in 30 days. They had to go back to earth and tell everyone this message.

Bill Clinton called a press conference and said I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that our beliefe in Gos is true, I met with him this morning. And the bad news is that he will destroy the earth in 30 days.

Micale Gorbachev went back to his people and told them he had some bad news and some realy bad news. First the bad news, our denial of God is not true, there is a God and I met with him this morning. The realy bad news is that he is going to destroy the earth and we only have 30 days to repent.

Bill Gates went back to his people and told them that he had some good news and some great news. First the good news is that our belief in God is founded, I had a talk with him this morning and the really great news is that we don't have to fix Windows 95

I thought you might want to know some of the secret Windows 95
errors. I happen to have gotten a copy of the official listing,
which is reproduced here.

001 Windows 95 loaded. System in danger.

002 No error . . . yet.

003 Dynamic linking error. Your mistake is now in every file.

004 Erronious error. Nothing wrong.

005 Multitasking attempted. System confused.

006 Malicious error. O/2 Warp found on drive.

007 System price error. Inadequate money spent.

008 Broken window. Watch for glass fragments.

009 Horrible bug encounterd. God knows what has happened.

00A Promotional literature overflow. Mailbox full.

00B Inadequate disk space. Need 100 meg minimum.

00C Memory hog error. More RAM needed. More! More!

00D Window closed. Do not look out.

00E Window open, do not look in.

00F Unexplained error. Please tell us how it happened.

010 Reserved for future mistakes.

011 Reserved for future mistakes.

012 Reserved for future mistakes.

013 Time/Date error. Year is 1996.

014 Nonexistent error. This cannot really be happening.

015 Unable to exit Windows 95. Try the door.

016 Door locked. Try control-alt-delete.

017 Keyboard locked. Try anything you can think of.

018 Unrecoverable error. System destroyed.

019 User error. It's not our fault. Is not! Is not!

01A Hard drive over written with GIFs of Bill Gates. Terribly sorry.

*Stupidity is like nuclear power, it can be used for good or evil. But you still don't want to get any on you.

*You are without romance or mirth... You must be an engineer.

*The status of a temp is somewhere between that of a security guard and the crud behind the refrigerator.

*I used to feel guilty about smashing bugs until I realized it's a sport.

*And in the news... Body parts were strewn for miles... Check your sandwich.

*Our company does not discriminate on the basis of race, sex, age, or religion... unless the religions are bizarre and unpopular and can be considered cults (and so may be freely discriminated against), or you are a short, fat, bald, ugly guy (and can be picked on without restraint), or are a nerd, smoker, or single person. Stupid people may now also be discriminated against due to the failure of their lobbying efforts.

*I used to be clueless but I've turned that situation around 360 degrees.

*Trying to attain vast power and world domination again?! Bad dog! Bad dog!

*There's a fine line between marketing and grand theft.

*All your problems are caused by invisible people. To eliminate your problems, all you need to do is find them and kill them.

*Someday, the people who know how to use computers will rule over those who don't. And there will be a special name for them: secretaries.

*In the next hour, you will learn how to cope with guilt the Dogbert way. And if you don't, well, it turns out I get paid anyway.

*Running feels awful, but it will let you live longer... So, life will feel awful, but at least it will last longer.

*Before you defeat the competition, you must first subjugate the other departments.

*It's not a cult. Think of it as a gang of morons who have nothing better to do with their lives.

*Hello! This is a long-distance phone company with vague promises of unverifiable savings if you switch to us. Is this a convenient time for you? No? OK, we'll call back later.

*If you have everything, gloat. When that gets boring, start your own line of perfumes.

*If you touch any key, our software will lock up. Call us and we'll blame it on Microsoft.

*Always put off dealing with time-wasting morons. If you would like to know how... I'll get back to you on that.

*There's more to science than just hurting small animals, but it's the part that's the most fun.

*What do you call a dog that's been run over by a steamroller? Spot.

*Knowledge is power... But power corrupts... And corruption is a crime... And crime doesn't pay... So if you keep on studying you'll go broke!

*Nature has a way of compensating for weaknesses, which is why stupid people have big mouths.

*Time slows down as you approach the speed of light... But time flies when you're having fun... So if you walk slower, do you have more fun or do you just get more light?

*It is said that man's ability to reason that separates him from mere animals, but then again the animal kingdom has no equivalent to "championship wrestling."

*One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead.

*If you haven't accomplished anything so far, then your best days are likely to be ahead of you. But then, you should consider your track record.

*Intelligence has much less practical application than you'd think.

*Used car salesmen are not in it for the money. They just like lying to strangers.

*To become one with your computer is to reach a state of... nerdvana.

*When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, humanity is doomed. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

A man named Leroy is drinking in a bar and President Clinton is giving an address on the radio in the background. Leroy looks at the bartender and says, "Yeah, me and Bill go a long way back, used to hang out together and do alot of fun things before he became President..." The bartender looks at him and tells him he doesn't believe him. Leroy asks for the phone, dials the White House and asks for "Bill"; he talks for awhile joking and laughing and presently hands the phone to the bartender who is flabbergasted to be talking to the President of the United States.

A couple of weeks later, Leroy comes back into the bar. They are watching a golf tournament and Jack Nichlas comes on the screen for a putt. Leroy is like: "Yeah, ole Jack and I go way back..." At this the bartender figures Leroy is full of it so he bets him 20 dollars that Leroy is trying to put one over on him. Leroy grabs the phone and dials and presently is talking animatedly with someone who seems to be named Jack. Bartender steals a glance at the TV screen and sure enough, Jack is talking on a cellular phone; Leroy hands over the phone and the bartender just shakes his head as he discovers that sure enough, it IS Jack on the phone and he hands over his 20 dollars.

About a week later Leroy comes in once again and this time the Pope is on the television giving a televised benediction. Leroy is like...Yeah, the Pope and I go way back, to before he became Pope and now the bartender is sure that he has him. After the bet the men purchase airfair and fly to Rome for the moment of truth because the bartender is thinking the phone won't be good enough for this one. They are standing in the crowd at the Vatican watching the Pope and as the Pope finishes the Mass, Leroy works his way through the crowd, up the steps, and thebartender is amazed to see him shake hands and the conversation appears to be that which would be expected between long acquaintances.

Presently, Leroy and the Pope come out into the crowd to meet the bartender and Leroy sees the bartender sprawled flat on his back, passed out cold, and looking pale. He splashes water over his face and shakes him until the bartender finally starts to come out of it. "What happened" asked Leroy.

The bartender replied: "While you were talking to his holiness, this little old lady tapped me on the shoulder and demanded to know who it was that was up on the dais with Leroy?"

1) What is your personal income level? Is it:
- Too much!
- Not enough money, but any more would make me evil.
- Whatever the government lets me keep.
- Money is a tool of the capitalistic overclass which etcetera etcetera etcetera.
- I have no income. I've rejected money and illegally inhabit a national park.

2) Describe your family:
- I'm married with three kids. Oh, and a live-in transsexual who
joins us in our orgies.
- The rules of the commune prohibit disclosing personal information.
- I don't believe in families.
- I don't believe in the word "describe."

3) What is the most politically incorrect thing about Scooby Doo?
- Daphne never does anything but stand around and look pretty.
- Scooby was never referred to as a Canine-American.
- Velma is such a lesbian stereotype.
- Shaggy never shares his marijuana.
- "Scooby Snack" reward system encourages mass consumption.
- Criminals are actually put in prison.

4) There's this weird drunk hanging out in front of your home. Do you
- Give him two bucks and think highly of yourself.
- Direct him to a government agency that will help him.
- Start a government agency that will help him.
- Respect his personal choice.
- Give Senator Kennedy a ride home.

5) I'm against school vouchers because...
- Bad teachers need jobs too!
- The NEA is against it, and a labor union certainly wouldn't do anything in its own interest.
- A monopoly always yields better results than competition.

6) Bill Clinton's Welfare Reform Policy is:
- A document with "GOP" scribbled out & "Bill's" written in with a fat purple magic marker.
- "It's a trap that discourages work & rewards illegitimacy, and we're keeping it."
- What would you like it to be?
- What time is it?

7) Bill Clinton's Official Drug Policy is:
- Whatever the Republicans are currently working on.
- A new poster: "Don't Be A Shaggy; Share Your Drugs!"
- White House aides using drugs won't be allowed to work unless they're Democrats.
- "Just say no to inhaling!"
- What would you like it to be?
- What time is it?

8) Why do you admire Hillary Clinton?
- Anyone who can make $100K without knowing cattle futures deserves admiring.
- The only dead people I can conjure up are Paul Lynde and Redd Foxx.
- If only I could lie so convincingly!
- Hey! She puts up with Bill! Give her some credit.
- We need more strong, intelligent women in prison.

9) What would Bill Clinton have to do for you to not vote for him?
- Develop a big ugly eyestalk in the middle of his forehead.
- Appear in a remake of "Bedtime for Bonzo."
- Claim to be "more famous than JFK!"
- Wear a t-shirt showing a bullet-riddled Snoopy.
- Annex the Sudetenland and kill six million Jews.
- Join the Republican party.

10) If Bill and Hillary discovered _________ in Chelsea's room, they would disown her. ONLY ONE ANSWER IS CORRECT.
- Condoms.
- Marijuana.
- Cocaine.
- A videotape with a note: "It was fun! Here's a copy--Rob Lowe"
- An antique German lampshade with a registration tattoo on it.
- "The Way Things Oughta Be" by Rush Limbaugh.

11) Al Gore's dynamic speech pattern makes him an excellent choice for the position of:
- Vice President.
- President.
- Governor.
- Senator.
- Environmental spokesman.
- TalkieToy Robot recorded voice.
- Kindergarten teacher.

12) Bill Clinton strongly believes in
- Bill Clinton.
- Bill Clinton.
- Bill Clinton.
- Bill Clinton.

13) There is a logical, believeable way that missing Whitewater documents showed up in the White House reading room that adjoins Hillary's office after the administration claimed to have handed over all relevant documents:
- They were being used to line Sock's box.
- Time-travelling KGB spies plotting to avenge the fall of communism.
- They had been blank sheets of paper until Bill spilled lemon juice on them.
- That rascally David Copperfield again!
- Hillary had them.

SCORING: None. IF you think this is a humor page, you're a Republican. IF you had a hard time picking the best answer because they're all so true, you're a Democrat.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Why are lawyers never attacked by sharks?
Professional courtesy.

What's the definition of "a shame" (as in, "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
When there was an empty seat.

How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
Who knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.

Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got first pick.

What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your honor.

What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
Senator.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot?
Use all three bullets on the lawyer.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road?
The vultures will eat the skunk.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a skunk?
Nobody wants to hit a skunk.

Why won't vultures eat dead lawyers?
There are some things that would gag even a vulture.

What's the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments?
It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.

Why should lawyers be buried 100 feet deep?
Because deep down, they're really good people.

What educational programs should the United States support to alleviate the burgeoning US-Japan trade imbalance?
Japanese language lessons for lawyers.

Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped parking; it's proof of a moral disability.

How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers?
Because after they die, they lie still.

What is a criminal lawyer?
Redundant.

What are lawyers good for?
They make used car and life insurance salesmen look good.

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman pinscher.

What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested?
An accomplice. What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested? A lawyer.

What do you call 10,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

How can you tell when your lawyer is lying?
His lips move.

How do you save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?
Not enough cement.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of cow manure?
The bucket.

Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the city morgue.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.

"Frat Guy Divulges Fraternity Myths, Addresses Stereotypes"

I am a frat guy. I live in a frat house. I go to frat parties.

I fight. I especially like to fight independents. I think if indedpendents were cool they would have pledged a frat in the first place. I know that independents are jealous of my social life. I believe that I am more fun and can party harder than any GDI.

I am exclusive. I run dances. I am the brains behind Spring Break. I am the reason road trips exist. I hope you enjoyed my homecoming party last Friday.

I can recite the greek alphabet before the fire of a match burns out. I can rattle off all of my founding father's as well as my fraternity obligations, but I don't know the words to my school song or my accounting profs last name.

I don't go to class. I never study. I devise elaborate schemes to cheat on my exams. I don't buy books. I have a low GPA. I have an endless supply of doctor notes from the campus health center.

I am thankful that my frat buddies will get me a job after graduation because I know that I can't get one on my own.

I give more than $1,000 of my parents' money in social dues each year to promote my frat's alcoholism problem. I drink because I am cool. I drink alot because I am cooler than you. I serve alcohol to minors. I urinate in public. I do keg stands and have keg parties. I am the master at indians. I own you in quarters. I have never not drinken in the game "I never". If I can't find my beer bong I know I can find one next door. I don't binge drink-I continually drink. I have a pre-party for the "pre-party".

I can dance.

I wear my letters. I billboard my frat on sweatshirts. Most of my T-shirts are frat t's from frat parties. I wear long sleeved T-shirts under short sleeved T's. I own many plaid button-downs. I tuck in the front and let the back hang out. I own one baseball hat. I live in my khakis. I wear Timberlands in the winter and sandles in the summer. Sometimes I wear sandles in the winter because I can. I drive a sports utility vehicle. I play with my dog in the front lawn. My hair is a mess yet totally in style. I sometimes don't shave for weeks at a time.

I am vogue.

Ladies love me, but more importantly, I know ladies love me. I will never commit to just one girl. I don't wear condoms because it doesn't feel as good. I believe a girl gives up her right to say "no" if she is in my frat house after 1:30 a.m.

I am shady.

I don't care about what girls have to say. I only care about me. I will say anything to get a girl into bed. I will say even more to get a freshman girl in bed because I know she'll believe me.

I am a player.

I am loud and obnoxious wherever I go in public. I live in filth. I enjoy the smell of old beer in carpet. I prefer a dingy frat house to a clean apartment. I think living among rodents builds character. I leave the seat up. I can't clean up after myself. I put on a great front for parent's weekend. No one can see through me.

I know every word to every song by Willie Nelson, David Alan Coe, and the Greatful Dead. I will sing them for you if I haven't picked up by nights end. I can't remember my parents home phone number, but I do know every digit to their calling card number.

I haze my pledges. I make them eat and drink things you would not imagine. I make them clean my house. I emotionally scar them for life. I abuse them physically. I make them cry. I then call them wimps. I later call them my brother if they don't de-pledge along the way.

I know hell week.

I am everything that is wrong in American. I am everything you wish you could be.

I am a Frat Guy.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories. As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi- stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him: ``Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?'' Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight. The driver said: ``No Sir, I have never seen you before.'' The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle. The driver replied: ``This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.'' Doyle said: ``This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes. ``There is one other thing,'' the driver said. ``What is that?'' ``Your name is on the front of your suitcase.''

It's okay...I'm still billing the client.

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to.

I was working smarter, not harder.

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !

I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance

I'm in the management training program

Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.

This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamt about work!

"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"

Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

The coffee machine is broke....

Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.

Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!

It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?

I was cross-training for telecommuting.

Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.

The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

I thought you(boss) were gone for the day.

I want to spend more time with my blender.

The man on television told me to say tuned.

It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.

I'm building a pig from a kit.

I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.

There's a disturbance in the Force.

I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.

I'm attending the opening of my garage door.

I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.

I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.

My plot to take over the world is thickening.

I have to fulfill my potential.

It's too close to the turn of the century.

I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.

I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.

I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.

I promised to help a friend fold road maps.

I'm trying to be less popular.

I have to study for a blood test.

I have to rotate my crops.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.