KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

1. Large choice of languages

2. Fleshy actresses

3. Taj Mahal

4. Chicken Tikka Massala

5. Can model volatility and money at risk in 7 computer languages

6. Can communicate chiefly with head movements

7. A Patel is never lonely in the phone book

8. Kapil Dev

9. Keep saying "please" meaning it

10. 6 spicy papadums, pickles and a Kingfisher

1. The Guinness is great

2. The crack is great

3. You won't get in a crack unless you marry them

4. You can't have sex with a condom on

5. Thus you must have sex without one on

6. No one can ever remember the night before

7. If you don't agree with me I'll blow you up

8. The stew is great

9. The Murphy's is great

10. Er...Best pop down the pub and have a think

1. It beats being an American.

2. You dont have to leave home to taste authentic French cuisine.

3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, OUTDOORS.

4. Can travel anywhere with a Canadian passport.

5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?

6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.

7. Liberal is not a dirty word.

8. The CBC

9. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

10. If you are BORING!!

(especially when you share the same major!)

PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.

SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.

RELIGION: Each prays for reconcilliation and/or curses God

ARCHAEOLOGY:One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.

THEATRE: "OH MY GOD! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"

BIOLOGY: "You just wanted to get in my genes!"

PHYSICS: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.

JOURNALISM: "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."

WOMEN'S STUDIES: "HE did it!"

BUSINESS: Both decide that they're spending way too much money together, and that it's simply cheaper to be single.

ITALIAN: "Mama Mia!"

HISTORY: Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.

GEOGRAPHY: Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.

ANATOMY: "I never liked your body anyway."

ECONOMICS: One party demands more than the other can supply.

ENGLISH: Each writes the other a perfect breakup letter, complete with introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion, that doesn't really say anything substantively intelligible.

EDUCATION: Both concede that the relationship was a learning experience.

COMPUTING: "Man, this bytes -- we just couldn't interface" and/or "His hard drive was more like a floppy."

E. ENGINEER.: "It's just so shocking... I'm sure there are positives and negatives, but..."

ARCHITECTURE: "There just wasn't much to build on anyway..."

JEWISH STUDIES: "OY! You should feel so guilty!"

PHILOSOPHY: If 2 people break up in a dorm and there's no one to witness the breakup, are they really single?

ZOOLOGY: They were able to mate like banshees, but lacked sophisticated communication skills.

PHYS. ED.: They punch each other out in frustration.

CHEMISTRY: "It was just the wrong chemistry between us..."

COUNSELING: Each urges the other to "get help!"

MUSIC: Each utilizes an operatic lament (or, in some parts, a country song) to express his or her sorrow.

LAW: They sue each other for breach of a pre-dating agreement.

by Bud Herron

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisks it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub:

* Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

* Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.

* Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

* Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product- testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

* Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is -- for cats -- three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

* Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.

Here are some ideas to drive men/women crazy Now, this is only a joke, so don't try this at home!! ;-)

MEN:

1. Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house. (Hide them well.)

2. Organize his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.

3. Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ring Dings.

4. Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he's gained a few pounds.

5. Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother's side.

6. "Accidentally" fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel. 7. Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each time.

8. Repeatedly lose his cellular phone in restaurants around town.

9. Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who "needs it more than he does."

10. Insist upon a lot of "meaningful conversations."

11. If you live together, have your mother fly in for a month-long visit unannounced.

12. Reverse his contact lenses in their case.

13. Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a camera to capture his "sinking" on film.

14. Superglue the pages of his Little Black Book together.

15. Give the secret stash of dirty magazines that he thinks you don't know about to his younger brother, who he hates.

1. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.

2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.

3. Superglue the commode seat in the up position.

4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.

5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.

6. Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.

7. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her. 8. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.

9. Never give her a straight answer.

10. Take up yodeling and practice a lot.

11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!)

12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.

13. Pretend you forgot how to speak English.

14. Answer every question with "Yes, dear." (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be let out alone.

The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks. (Personally I think the dancing is debatable on most men).

Never sleep with a man who's named his willy.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, 'oh alright, I'll stay the night".

Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practising.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar".

The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a 'former boyfriend".

There are two significant influences in a man's life and they are both his mother.

There are a lot of words that you can use to describe - strong, caring, loving - they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.

Most all bachelors have been the victims of a blind date.

Numerous well meaning friends and relatives are always willing to "fix up" unsuspecting bachelors with girls whom they describe as "perfect for you".

However, from the description given, it is difficult to imagine what these girls may be like. After considerable research, as a public service, I have attempted to translate some of these descriptive phrases into plain English:

dandy little house keeper:
She has been married three times and kept all the houses

fine character:
She's ugly

knows how to handle money:
She's a spendthrift and great at spending yours

spotless reputation:
She's ugly

strong family ties:
She's a Mafia Princess

loves children:
She's pregnant and needs a husband

wonderful personality:
She's fat

great sense of humor:
She's fat and will laugh at anything you say

the outdoor type:
She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, and shaves just like the guys

ready to settle down:
She's thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to marry

likes to have a good time:
She gets drunk a lot

lots of fun at parties:
Often makes an ass of herself

mature woman:
She's at least thirty, but looks at least forty-five

has the appearance of a young school girl:
She's at least thirty-three, but dresses like a teenager

casual:
She dresses like a slob

decorated her own place:
Her apartment resembles a pig sty

a great dancer:
She'll wear the soles right off your shoes

not overly emotional:
She only cries twenty-seven times a day

doesn't chase men:
She's more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type

seldom dates:
She's a lesbian who needs a male escort for something

understands men:
She's been married and divorced four times

a good sport:
She knows two hundred jokes and can drink you under the table

looks and dresses like a model:
She's five eleven and weighs seventy three pounds

been in show business:
She's a former porn movie star

traveled a lot:
She's searched high and low for a husband

knows a lot of interesting people:
None of whom would marry her

wonderful disposition:
She's ugly

by Don Sherriff

Examine Bill Gates' wealth compared to yours: Consider the average American of reasonable but modest wealth. Perhaps he has a net worth of $100,000. Mr. Gates' worth is 400,000 times larger. Which means that if something costs $100,000 to him, to Bill it's as though it costs 25 cents. You can work out the right multiplier for your own net worth.

So for example, you might think a new Lamborghini Diablo would cost $250,000, but in Bill Gates dollars that's 63 cents.

That fully loaded, multimedia active matrix 233 MHZ laptop with the 1024x768 screen you've been drooling after? A penny.

A nice home in a rich town Palo Alto, California? Two dollars.

That nice mansion he's building? A reasonable $125 to him.

You might spend $100 on tickets, food and parking to take your family to see an NHL hockey game. Bill, on the other hand, could buy the team for 100 Bill- bills.

You might buy a plane ticket on a Boeing 747 for $1200 at full-fare coach. In Bill-bills, Mr.. Gates could buy three 747s. One for him, one for Melinda and one for young Jennifer Katherine.

Yet More:

Evan Marcus, a Systems Engineer from Fair Lawn, New Jersey who maintains a Bill Gates Net Worth Page on his web site, notes that Bill could buy every single major league team in Baseball, Football, Basketball and Hockey for only about 35% of his net worth -- plenty left over to buy a European sport.

Of course then he wouldn't have around $150 for every person in the USA as he does now. Nor could he still give $6.70 to every person on the planet.

Marcus suggests that Bill could only pay Michael Jordan's 1997 salary only 1300 times, but that he could buy 902 million subscriptions to TV guide. He's also fascinated by how much all this money would be if put into dollar bills. Laid end to end, the Bills would stretch 3.8 million miles -- to the moon and back over 8 times. They could paper over all of Manhattan 7 times, or be stacked 2,690 miles high -- watch out for satellites. They would weigh 40,000 tons -- 100 times the weight of one of those 747s he bought above.

But one thing Marcus says Bill can't do is even dent the national debt. Should he selflessly donate his stock to the U.S. treasury, he would reduce the $5.37 trillion national debt by well under 1%. It's nice to put things in perspective.