KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

* Pamela Anderson was offered a bit part in one of the first new "Adult Westerns" to be made this year. After reading the script, she roars up to the director, and says, "I absolutely refuse to play this scene." Looking at the script, the director says, "But Pam baby-doll, all you have to do is point out the direction the outlaws took when the sheriff and his posse ride up to you." "I know !" she fumed. "But look what I'm pointing with. The script says I'm supposed to place both hands behind my back and take a deep breath, turn north and say 'They went that-a-way'."

* The young man was determined to win his girl that evening. "I have loved you more than you will ever know." he said. "AH HA ! So I was right!!!" she exclaimed. "You did take advantage of me last Saturday when I was drunk."

* A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb in New York City where a cute lil' thang was waiting for a taxi. "Hi babe." he said. "I'm going west." "How wonderful." came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange."

* Have y'all heard about the widow who wears black garters in memory of those who have passed beyond ?

* The very proper Yuppette didn't go shopping very often, but she was at the Columbia Mall and decided to also have lunch. She sat down at a table with an attractive girl. The girl finished her lunch and lit up a cigarette. The Yuppette snapped, "I'd rather commit adultery than be seen smoking; especially in public. "Yeah." so would I sighed the girl. "But I only get a half hour for lunch."

BOROGAMY: The state or practice of having only one wife or husband.

Source: The still unpublished Mariotti's Alternative Dictionary.

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times. And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it. And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, Where the hell are you going?

The third mouse stops and replies, I'm going home to screw the cat.

A cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.
"Congratulations!" says the clerk. Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?"
"Naw, thanks." says the cowboy. "I'll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it."

A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say "HI there little boy!!"

One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies...she replies "well...that is what size we imagine your penis to be...it is just a joke!"

The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says "HI THERE LADIES!

The science section of Tuesday's The New York Times (Jan 6, 1998) includes a profile of Biologist Dr. Anne Simon (U Mass, Amherst). The piece (by Carey Goldberg) is entitled "The Science Adviser to Whaaat?"

It seems that Dr. Simon has, for some time, been a friend of one Chris Carter. Carter is the creator of the X-FILES TV show on the Fox network (U.S.). For the uninitiated, Goldberg describes X-FILES as a "dark confection of conspiracy, fantasy and paranormalcy." On the show two FBI agents come across aliens (from outer space), witches, vampires and high government conspiracies. But the crazy thing is often well written and filled with dry humor (EG. in one episode about a southern town whose economy was based upon a chicken processing plant and whose culture was steeped in cannibalism, the local company's motto was: GOOD PEOPLE MAKE GOOD FOOD).

When Carter started to write scripts for the show he called on Dr. Simon for scientific expertise. Simon says (?!?), "What Chris says is that the science looking real and being real is what makes the show scary."

In the show Special Agent Fox Mulder has a big sign in his office. The sign reads: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

Dr. Simon has a sign on HER office door. Her sign reads: THE TRUTH IS IN HERE

Simon doesn't get paid much for her consulting on the show, but she does get bragging rights and access to clips from the show that she uses in her class lectures. Simon also wears an X-FILES t-shirt when she teaches.

Kinda makes ya wanna go back and take bio again, no?

Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.

"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Father O'Grady.

"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary.

"Well what is it, Mary?"

"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."

"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"

"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.

"What did he ask, Mary?"

Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"

Did you hear about the tornado that hit a Luckys store?
now they are calling the store Unluckys!

adduem: for those of you who dont live in California Luckys is a supermarket chain that based here. and today in Long Beach- a Tornado really did hit a Luckys supermarket. (the only damage was to the roof according to news reports)

One day, a man was walking down the street when a truck came by and hit a bump in the road. As the truck sped away, a crate fell off. The man ran over to see what was in the crate. When he opened it, he found a pig. Unsure what to do, he asked a police officer, who suggested the man take the pig to the local zoo.

A few days later the police officer noticed the same man driving by, so he pulled the guy over to ask what had occurred with the pig. To the cop's surprise, he found the pig sitting next to the guy on the front seat. The pig was upright, properly seat-belted in, and wearing a baseball cap! Between the man and the pig there was a six-pack of beer and some popcorn. "Good afternoon officer!" the man said. The pig looked over and gave a couple polite snorts.

The stunned officer said, "I thought I told you to bring that pig to the zoo!"

The man replied, "Oh, I did, and we had so much fun, today we're going to the ball game!!"

A woman is in bed with her lover . . . who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours. As they lie there afterward, the phone rings. They're at her house, so she answers. As her lover listens, she says, "Hello? Oh, hi. Really? That's great. I'm happy for you. Sounds terrific. Great. Thanks. Okay. See you tomorrow. Bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband, telling me what a wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."