KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if--"

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy.

The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

Drivers in Lusaka have a certain `panache' and pay little attention to road signs or traffic lights (robots, as they call them in that part of the world).

A visitor, coming in by taxi from Lusaka International airport, is terrified when his driver charges blithely through a succession of red lights. Then the next set are green. To the visitor's amazement the driver stops and waits.

"Whatever are you doing?" the tourist asks. "You've just driven through three reds, and now you stop at a green."

"Of course," the driver says. "I don't want to get hit by some idiot coming through on the red."

Barry Switzer, clearly upset about the Dallas Cowboy's losing record, decides to find out from Steve Mariucci what his secret is. So, Switzer travels up to a 49er practice and asks Mariucci, "Coach, how is it that your team is so good? What's your secret?" Mariucci responds by calling Steve Young over. "Steve, who's your father's brother's nephew?" Young answers, "Why coach, that's easy. It's me."

Mariucci turns to Switzer and says, "That's the secret, Barry. A smart quarterback. You've got to have a smart quarterback." Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, Switzer returns to Texas and the Cowboy work-out. He promptly calls over Troy Aikman. "Aikman! Who's your father's brother's nephew?" Troy looks perplexed, thinks a minute and says, "Coach, can I get back to you after practice on that one?" Switzer (disgusted) says, "OK."

During practice, Aikman calls over Deion Sanders. "Deion, coach just asked me the weirdest question. Who's your father's brother's nephew?" Sanders: "Duh! That's easy. It's me!" After practice, Aikman catches up with Switzer: "Coach, I think I've got it. My father's brother's nephew is Deion Sanders." Switzer (angry): "No, No, NO! You idiot!! It's Steve Young!!!"

15. The Choice of a New Generation of Athletes & Criminals!

14. Nike: Selling Air To Stupid Kids For Over A Decade

13. Official Shoe of the Amistad

12. Because Adidas Suck

11. THEY sweat... so YOU can sweat!

10. Got swoosh?

9. Just buy the damn shoes, for cryin' out loud!

8. They go on your feet, Einstein

7. C'mon -- The rent can wait, and food is overrated anyway

6. Safer than skis

5. For a Limited Time: 6.9% financing for 36 months

4. Buy the shoes, or we bulldoze their village

3. Just Do It, or I'll put your lazy 10-cent-a-day ass in a vice and get another 3rd-world slave to do it!

2. Worth Killin' For!

and the Number 1 Rejected New Nike Slogan...

1. Yo -- The Crips told us your gang isn't man enough to buy 10 pairs of our shoes.

I couldn't help overhearing a man at a nearby pay phone. "I know it's something you want," he said earnestly, "but I don't think tattoos are a good idea. And the same goes for body piercing. As long as you're living in my house, I think you should respect my wishes." I was secretly cheering him on for his fatherly firmness. Then came the 'coup de grace': "Besides, Ma, you're 75 years old! You don't NEED a tattoo!"

The Western Australian Police have just launched a new unit that roves around dealing with trouble spots. It was launched on New Year's Eve with an assignment to control crowds at a large concert; it made the TV news, with an officer proudly saying they were the:

"Fast Action Response Team"

* A-Day minus 5: "Jimmy, whatever happened to that nice Max Iceberg ? I haven't seen him since he came to our wedding ten years ago."
A-Day minus 4: "Look at this ad. It's the exact same set of dishes the girls gave me at work for my bridal shower ten years ago."
A-Day minus 3: "You know, you don't look a day older than when we got married ten years ago. I'm glad you've kept yourself in such good shape."
A-Day minus 2: "Look Jimmy, I can still fit into my wedding dress. See ? You're not the only one who's kept in shape these past ten years."
A-Day minus 1: "Remember how nervous you were at our wedding rehearsal dinner ten years ago tonight ? I was afraid you weren't gonna show up at the church."
Anniversary: "Oh Jimmy darling. For me ? You remembered."

* Annoyed wife to husband: "Can't you just say we've been married 24 years instead of 'almost a quarter of a century'?"

* Mrs. JimJr sat down to dinner the other nite with her hair in curlers. I asked why and she said she had just set her hair. Fortunately, I was able to duck a spoonful of mashed potatoes headed my way after I asked, "What time does it go off ?"

* Wife to husband: "I don't mind your little half-truths so much as I do the fact that you always tell me the wrong half."

* Irate husband calling upstairs to wife: "How soon do you think you will be ready ? Can you at least give me a specific day ?"

* Wife to husband, staring at his beer belly: "It's amazing when you consider it takes an Oak tree 200 years to attain that girth."

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First you must wear a diaphram." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2am. Any later, and your diaphram will turn into a pumpkin."
Editor's note: Ouch!
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m. Cinderella shows up looking love-struck and "very" satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother.
"Your diaphram was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"
"I can't remember, exactly.... Peter, Peter something or other..."

Naked Down under
Australian Ruled football coach Peter Schiltz thought having his team work out in the nude would help snap a losing streak. Schiltz, Player-coach of the Bungaree county football team said, "I was looking for a bit of inspiration."
The players stripped down to boots and socks before doing a lap around the field and a 10 min. ball drill. Schiltz said the players were starting to enjoy themselves too much and he, "had to tell them to get their gear back on." Schiltz's strategy didn't work; his team lost it's next match.

Three friends are discussing their wives experience of learning car driving.

First one narrates 'Each night my wife squeeze my penis and shouts "Pom-Pom"'.

Second one says 'Each night my wife grips my penis and shouts "First-Second-Third-Fourth-Reverse"'.

Third one exclaims 'That's nothing. Each night my wife takes my penis,puts it in her,and orders,"Five gallons please"'.