KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A famous movie star decided he would increase his considerable fortune by raising thoroughbred horses. He bought a ranch in Kentucky, bought several promising young horses, and hired someexperts to raise them while he followed other pursuits. He quickly found, however, that the money flow was only in one direction, out of his pocket. He decided to make a surprise visit to his ranch, and found to his horror, that he had been financing a gentle retirement home for lazy race horses.Each horse gave clear evidence of living a wholly sedentary life. The horses were grossly overweight . Moreover, they were so unused to moving rapidly that many small birds had built nests in their hair, and these birds were busy raising their young. He was incensed and fired all his ranch hands. Next, he grabbed a ladder and garden rake, and he started cleaning up his horses, ripping the bird nests from off their backs. In his anger, he gave these now immortal instructions to his new helpers. "BEAST IS BEAST, AND NEST IS NEST, AND NEVER THE MANE SHALL TWEET!"

From your daughter/son:
"I really appreciate the benefit of your wisdom"
"Yes, I agree completely -- as usual, you're right"
"I really don't care what the other kids are doing"

From your daughter/son's preschool teacher:
"Everyone misbehaved today, except Jimmy/Sandy"
"Jimmy/Sandy traded his/her candy bar for carrot sticks"
"I wish we had 20 Jimmy/Sandy's"

From your daughter/son's elementary school teacher:
"Jimmy/Sandy really knows how to interact with others"
"I can't seem to teach him/her fast enough, they're so eager"
"Jimmy/Sandy's excellent behavior is a fine reflection on you"

From your daughter/son's high school teacher:
"Jimmy/Sandy is now qualified for a full college scholarship"
"I can't see wasting years here, they should enter college now"
"Jimmy/Sandy is excelling in both sports and their studies"

From your auto mechanic:
"That part is much less expensive than I thought"
"I've never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do"
"It was just a loose wire -- no charge"

From a tire dealer:
"Sir, those tires have plenty of tread left"
"Yes indeed, your warranty covers that"
"Your car's front end alignment is perfect"

From a store clerk:
"The computer's down. I'll just add your purchases manually"
"Yes, it was defective. We'll pick it up & bring you a new one"
"Actually Wal-Mart has the same exact item a lot cheaper"

From a contractor:
"Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing"
"I think I came in way too high on that estimate"
"Looks like we're gonna be done a week or so early"

From a doctor:
"Well, I wish I were in as good a shape as you"
"Actually, I think you're the perfect weight for your height"
"All of your test results were text-book perfect"

From a dentist:
"I think you're flossing way too much"
"I won't ask any questions while I'm working in your mouth"
"Yes, the topless hygienist is really quite thorough"

From a restaurant server:
"I think it's presumptuous for a waiter to volunteer his name"
"I was slow and inattentive -- I cannot accept any tip"
"Dessert's on the house"

From the Internal Revenue Service:
"I've audited your last 10 tax returns -- we owe you a bundle"
"I've never looked at it that way -- you're 100% correct"
"I agree -- the forms and the tax laws are way too confusing"

* To the woman who stole my heart: Please bring it back. It is an overused old organ without any real commercial value, but I am kind of attached to it. If you return it, I'll withdraw the charges and present you with a suitable reward.

* You took my breath away. Now, give it back, I need it.

Thanks to the rude couple for refusing to remove their bored 3-year-old from Sunday's last perfomrance of "The Nutcracker." You ruined a special gift. I wanted to kick slap and scream at you even more than your son actually did.

Thirty minutes of begging should not be considered foreplay.

The last accurate weather forecast: When God told Noah to build a ship.

Standing in the express line Publix grocery store, I noticed the guy in front of me had three piles of 10 items each. He said, "It's okay, I have multiple personalities."

Help! My inertia is gaining momentum!

Everyone says I'm going bald. I just call it hair displacement.

Sign in a bra store: "Come in and let us help you fix your flats."

A New Year's day hangover can be defined as "the wrath of grapes."

Since I always break my new Year's resolutions, this year, I've resolved to gain weight and never go to the gym. I doing pretty good for a change.

I was raised in a 2 bedroom house. Slept in same bed with my 3 brothers. I didn't sleep alone until I got married.

I've been married for 25 years and just found out I was bisexual. If I want it, I got to buy it!

I heard a funny story the other week which I thought that you might enjoy -- it is a true story. Some of the psychology students at the university decided to set up an experiment. They left a dumpster in a [city] street and put some desirable items in it -- the idea was to see how many people would just help themselves to the contents. They set up a camera to film the results. Later on my friend's brother, Seth and his friend, Paul (I've changed their names) walked past. Seth saw something in the dumpster which he wanted, so he walked up to the house that the dumpster outside and asked if he could have the item. The student said yes he could, but could he creep up to the dumpster and act as if he was stealing it, as they were filming this for a class experiment. Seth said no way! he has a reputation to consider and didn't want to be on film "stealing" from a dumpster -- and anyway he had asked permission to take the item. The student said that if he wanted the item, that is what he would have to do. Seth walked off in disgust and without the item. Seth and Paul got to thinking and being practical jokers themselves decided to get back in kind. They got a sack and cut armholes into it, then Seth climbed into the sack, putting his arms through the holes so that it was obvious that a body was inside. Then Paul slung Seth over his shoulder, crept furtively up to the dumpster, looked suspiciously up and down the road, then threw the "body" in and ran away. Seth lay there for a while, then sat up slowly like a corpse in a horror film, climbed out of the dumpster, waved to the camera and walked away. Unfortunately, the students panicked when they saw the "body" thrown in the dumpster and called the police. When Seth and Paul came back to play another trick (they had a sack each this time and were planning to jump up to the dumpster like kangaroos, look at the stuff inside, shake their heads at it, then jump off again) they found the police searching through the dumpster for a body, so they decided to quietly walk away. The whole thing was caught on film and used in a local TV program. The host of the show was doubled up with laughter when she saw it.

If you decide to use this story in your mailings- The name of the University has been left out and the names of the students changed. The students and the local police would like to find out who played this trick on them!

Veteran Pillsbury Spokesmodel Pop-N-Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The Gravesite was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima gave the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much time on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

16. Tomorrow Never Dies, and neither does this blasted cold sore.

15. Despite being knighted by the Queen, still can't get a date with Baby Spice.

14. Getting harder and harder to use his nuclear-powered-heat-seeking-homing-device-in-a-cigarette in California.

13. Q's latest gadget only locates your car keys.

12. Just when you think you've finally found the right girl to settle down with, she tries to jam a pen into your throat.

11. His car may be a computerized, kick-ass arsenal, but try putting a Super Big Gulp in the cup holder.

10. Morons at Jiffy Lube always pouring windshield washer fluid in the Napalm tank.

9. Embarrassing to have girlfriend's name paged when separated at WalMart.

8. If his neighbor pulls that "Finkelbaum. Morris Finkelbaum" crap one more time, he's getting an ice pick in the forehead.

7. New Bond girl, RuPaul, always kicking his ass at arm wrestling.

6. Studio budget cutbacks have him at the wheel of a souped-up 1976 Gremlin with new Bond girl, Bea Arthur.

5. Post-Cold War villains? The evil Dr. Hemorrhoid and the Tucks Twins.

4. Always looks like a ninny in Sean Connery's big-ass shoes.

3. Wet spot in bed usually contains bullet hole.

2. Picture on "License to Kill" looks terrible.

and the Number 1 Pet Peeve of James Bond...

1. Increasing competition for beautiful women spies from American agent Double-Chin-Bubba.

Three men; a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings,"

With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!"

With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"

The Devil brought forward a chair.

"Drill 7 holes on the seat."

The Devil did just that.

The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."

And the idiot went to Heaven...

* "Didn't you follow my advice about kissing your girlfriend when she least expects it ?" asked the older brother. "Oh hell !" replied the younger sibling with the swollen eye. I thought you said 'where'."

* "Don't you think he dresses nattily ?" asked the English Major coed of her roommate, as they both sat on the dorm steps and watched a campus stud strut by. "Natalie who ?" the Business Major student asked.

* The Yuppette announced to her parents that she was about to enter wedlock again, for the third time. "Oh ?" responded her Father, "Against whom ?"

* Almost as pitiable as the fellow who was tried and found wanting is the guy who wanted and was found trying.

* I don't know, sometimes taking care of a lot of acreage, I feel like a gardener with meal and sex privileges.

* If ya think about it, all it really takes to separate the men from the boys is girls.

* I don't care what they say, I don't think "phone sex" is any fun at all, unless you happen to be in the same booth with her.

* Beware: A lover who sez they'll go thru anything for ya usually has your bank account in mind.

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is a literary competition for the first paragraph of the worst novel ever written. There is an annual general prize and prizes by category. The results are witty and quite funny. Here's a couple of examples from the 1997 contest:

Grand Prize Winner
The moment he laid eyes on the lifeless body of the nude socialite sprawled across the bathroom floor, Detective Leary knew she had committed suicide by grasping the cap on the tamper-proof bottle, pushing down and twisting while she kept her thumb firmly pressed against the spot the arrow pointed to, until she hit the exact spot where the tab clicks into place, allowing her to remove the cap and swallow he entire contents of the bottle, thus ending her life.
-- Artie Kalemeris, Fairfax, VA

Winner: Fantasy
Prince Oryza's determined, handsome countenance was reflected in the gleaming, polished steel of his sword, Gowayoff, as he hewed valiantly at the armored sides of the dragon, which could only be pierced by gleaming, polished steel and not the regular kind of steel, which doesn't gleam as much, and isn't polished quite as well, but does a pretty good job against your smaller dragons.
--J. N. Pechota, Dulzura, CA