KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

(Los Angeles) Today, Disney executives announced plans to remake the classic animated film "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" with a more modern theme. According to a spokesperson for Disney, "'Snow White' is beginning to show her age. We want to make a picture that speaks to today's audience. And what's with that voice, anyway?"

As the studio gears up for the intensive task of producing a full-length animated feature, several treatments of the old fairy tale are being considered:

"Snow White and the Seven Persyns of Alternate Stature." An open-minded persyn, who, despite hir name, is racially neutral, sets forth on an adventure in a federally protected forest where sie encounters Gay, Mentally Challenged, Differently Wakeful, Nasally Sensitive, Testosterone Poisoned, Introverted, and Health Care Professional.

"Prince White and the Seven Dwarfettes." A young and handsome prince flees his evil stepmother, taking refuge in a small cottage in the woods inhabited by Crampy, Trampy, Dizzy, Dingy, Bitchy, Frigid, and Dyke.

"Snow White and the Seven Porno Vixens." A XXX feature in which a young, inexperienced princess is introduced to the ways of carnal pleasure by Candi, Randi, Bambi, Bunni, Laci, Misti, and Dominique.

"We're not sure, yet, which avenue we want to pursue," another Disney spokesperson told reporters at a press conference early Friday. "We'd like to get as much mileage out of the Southern Baptist Convention as we possibly can." It was then revealed that Ellen DeGeneres was being considered to provide the voice for beleaguered princess.

When asked to comment, a spokesman for the Southern Baptist Convention made strangling noises, while veins stood out on his neck.

The best part of waking up in going back to sleep.

I can't believe that dumb cop gave me a ticket for an open container. He couldn't even find it till I showed it to him.

Did "George of the Jungle" not teach us anything?--"Watch out for that tree!"

At my office we are taking up a collection for send Newt Gingrich on a skiing trip.

If she was going to marry a football player, I wish Kathie Lee would have chosen O.J. instead of Frank.

Feel secure all night, sleep with a cop.

I remember the first time I had sex, because I saved the receipt.

So many stupid people, so few comets.

When we are getting read to go somewhere, my wife takes forever and a day, then when we go, she drives like there is no tomorrow.

Selling tickets to visit a grave? And the Brits think Americans are shallow and gross.

By RICHARD PYLE
Associated Press

NEW YORK -- They were clever enough to penetrate the World Trade Center's tight security, clever enough to grab a $1 million Brink's shipment. But then, police say, the three alleged bandits turned out to be dumb, dumber and dumbest.

They pulled off their ski masks before walking past hidden security cameras, and within hours their faces were all over TV and the newspapers. Then they went home to their close-knit Brooklyn neighborhood, where dozens of people called the police.

On a hot summer's day a country boy is pulling a wagon load of manure down a country two lane road in rural Alabama. The local sheriff (Bubba) pulls him over and starts to write him a citation. As the sheriff is standing next to the old boy's pickup some of the flies accompanying the manure wagon start to buzz him. He swats at the flies and cusses them "damn flies." The country boy speaks up and says "Them's circle flies...we calls 'em that cause back home on the farm they's always circling the horses ass."

"Boy, are you calling me a horse's ass?" says the angered Bubba.

The country boy replied "No sir, but you can't fool them flies."

Mother Lion and Father Lion had gone off hunting, and had told their two children not to wander away. However, a couple of small wildebeests wandered by, and the baby lions could not resist the temptation to try out their own hunting skills. They ran out, chased after the animals, killed them, and started eating them. Just as the baby lions were reaching the end of their meal, the parents appeared in the distance. One of the baby lions turned to the other, and said: "THAT IS THE END OF THE GNUS. HERE AGAIN ARE THE HEAD LIONS."

Kiev, Ukraine -- Kiev's All-Ukraine Gazette reported a tale of mistaken identity that endangered a child and left its parents "thunderstruck."

A businessman returned from an unnamed foreign destination with what he thought was a bull-terrier puppy for his wife and son as a gift.

At first, the animal ate normally and did not demand much attention.

But on the sixth day the parents were awakened by the screams of their 3-year-old whose ear was being chewed off by the animal. The child was treated for minor wounds, and a veterinarian informed the parents that their pet was actually a rare species of Pakistani rat, which in its early stage of development resembles a bull-terrier puppy.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I once tried to microwave instant coffee and went back in time.

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call maintenance - we're going to need a mop and bucket.
Come back with that right now! Bad dog, bad dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, what's that?
Hand me that....uh....that, uh.........thingie.
Where's my Rolex?
OOPS! Say, has anyone ever survived 500 ML of that stuff before?
Darn, there goes the power again.
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hey, this guy's got two ya know!
Nobody move - I just lost one of my contacts.
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's distracting me, big time.
What's THIS doing here?
I hate it when I can't find what I'm looking for!
That's so cool! Now, can you make his leg twitch?
Well folks, there's always a first time for everything!
Sterile, schmerile, the floor is pretty clean, right?
This patient already has some kids, right?
Not to worry, I know it's sharp enough.
Nurse, this patient did sign an organ donor card, right?
Crap! Page 47 of this procedure seems to be missing!

I'm a corporate executive -- I keep things from happening.

If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question.

Lobotomies for Democrats: It's the law.

Bad Cop! No donut!

Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead -- He's electroencephalographically challenged.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

A young international student working in my office told us last week that her brother had just arrived in the United States and was living and working in Indiana Police. Upon questioning, we learned that her brother is in Indianapolis, Indiana.