KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

* One of my neighbors claims to be the unluckiest guy on the planet. His wife gave him a really expensive watch for his birthday. It was shatterproof, breakproof, shockproof and waterproof. He lost it.

* At first I thought this neighbor of mine was just paranoid about his bad luck until last summer. His swimming pool burned down.

* This gets worse too. Last week, his inflatable doll ran off with his airbag.

* He says that when he goes to Ocean City here in Maryland and puts a seashell to his ear, all he gets is a busy signal.

* Finally, if you don't believe him to be the unluckiest guy around, his wife divorced him on grounds of sterility. Then this chick said he got her pregnant. She filed a paternity suit. He lost both cases.

* Some people say with their luck, when their ship finally did come in, it'd be in the midst of a dock strike.

* I broke a mirror last year, and according to superstition that should mean 7 years bad luck.
I have a lawyer though who's so good, he got me off with only three years.

A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?"

A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for."

Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for."

Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says, "that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.

Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?" The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."

The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings. Everyone overdid it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. THIS MARKED THE FIRST TIME THAT A WHIRLED CERES WAS HELD WITH A DOUBLE-HEADER.

* A friend of mine, who stuttered rather badly, went to a specialist and after ten difficult weeks was able to say quite distinctly: "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers." I congratulated him on his achievement. Frowning, he replied doubtfully, "B-b-but it's s-s-such a d-difficult remark to w-w-w-work into a c-c-conversation."

* About a year or so ago, I was bothered by a pain in my ankle. I had injured it doing yardwork somehow. I finally ended up going to the doctor. He examined me, and w/o even taking any x-rays said, "Mr. Moore, how long have you been walking around like this ?" "About two weeks or so Doctor, why ?" I responded "Well... your ankle is broken ! Why in the world didn't you come in to see me sooner ?" "Well Doctor, every time I say something is wrong with me, my wife declares, 'Now you'll HAVE to stop smoking'."

* Believe it or not, there really are strong silent types left in the US. Some of the older farmers in Howard County fit that category. The story around here is that one time an older farmer went in for a physical, and his wife would answer every question the doctor had. Finally, the doctor asked her to leave the room. Shortly later, he called her back in and said, "I'm sorry Mrs. Musgrove for not realizing your husband has aphasia (loss of speech) and can't speak a word." Oddly enuff, neither did she.

* We finally got a local doctor who set-up his practice right in his home. He was awakened one morning about 4:00 A.M. by a man who said he brought his wife in. Thinking it to be an emergency, the doctor hurried out to the truck with the man. There sat a healthy looking young woman whom the doctor had just seen the day before. "Good morning Doctor." she smiled. "You told me to come in for a blood test this morning before breakfast."

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body , which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, ....... and ....... define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, ........in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson.

Two, you have a dirty mind.

And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
A: Men usually miss them.
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Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
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Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring & good- looking?
A: Because all those men already have boyfriends.
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Q: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?
A: They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most.
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The three words most hated by men during sex: "Are you done? "
Three words women hate to hear when having sex... "Honey, I'm home!"
**************************************************************** Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
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Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes
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Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow

Q: Why do the Spice Girls work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Mondays.

Q: What do you get when you offer a Spice Girl a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: How do you get a Spice Girl's eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.

Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a Spice Girl in a university?
A: A visitor.

Q: Why was Mel B so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle after six months?
A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".

Q: What do you do if a Spice Girl throws a grenade at you?
A: Take the pin out and throw it back.

Q: Why did the Spice Girl climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard the drinks were on the house.

Q: What does a Spice Girl say if you blow in her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill".

Q: What do you see if you look in a Spice Girl's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

And finally,
A Spice Girl was asked if she would like to be a Jehovah's Witness. "Hey" she protested, "I didn't even see the accident".

A lady says to her hubby, "Honey, I need breast implants." The husband says, "We really can't afford it. Hey, wait a minute, I have an idea."
He's gone for a minute and returns with a wad of toilet paper. He hands the toilet paper to his wife and tells her, "Rub this wad of toilet paper between your breasts." She says, "Will that make them bigger?"
He says, "It should, look what it's done for your butt!!"

Off the coast of Newfoundland, a great many fishermen do their fishing at night. They navigate solely by the light of the moon, scorning more sophisticated methods. Of course, from time to time this method fails, and shipwrecks are the result. The Department of Fisheries was reviewing statistics one day, and was shocked to discover how many shipwrecks there were during night fishing. When they discovered that the fishermen were navigating by the light of the moon, they promptly installed buoys near all the dangerous shoals and reefs to aid night navigation. To their surprise, when the statistics came in the following month, the shipwrecks had tripled! The buoys were removed, and things returned to normal. The moral of the story... YOU CAN'T SEND A BUOY TO DO A MOON'S JOB!!!

15. "No, you may not borrow my underwear, Mr. Kaczynski."

14. "In my professional opinion, if I were a 50-year-old virgin, I'd go freakin' nuts, too!"

13. "I give up, Ted -- what's black & red and charred all over?"

12. "Boy" "BOMB!" "Girl" "BOMB!" "Airport" "BOMB!" "Okay, that's enough word association."

11. "Look, Ted -- I'm no lawyer, but I've got doubts about your 'Prairie Oyster' defense."

10. "That ink blot looks like the oppressive technocratic regime attempting to enslave our free minds... or maybe a bunny rabbit."

9. "Would you *please* stop making that ticking noise?!"

8. "Actually, Ted, I'd prefer you *fax* me your manifesto."

7. "Why don't you and I run away together? I know a great little unheated cottage in the middle of nowhere!"

6. "You read the entire manifesto? Geez, and they think *I'm* crazy!"

5. "Now tell me again, Ted -- which one is Itchy?"

4. "I *must* be insane -- to sell name-brand VCR's and televisions at such low prices!!! This Friday only, at Krazy Ted's Electronics Outlet!!!"

3. "Man, that OJ is a nut, isn't he?"

2. "Okay, Marvin Gardens with three houses, that's $875...."

and the Number 1 Thing Overheard Between the Unabomber and the Psychiatrist...

1. "Violent fantasies?! Hey, you're the one showing me all these inkblot pictures of explosions."