KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

16. For every bottle of Bud you drink, you smash a bottle of Bud Light into a million pieces and declare "Get used to it buddy, there's gonna be more where that came from!"

15. Rather than taking down your Christmas lights, you re-arrange them to spell "Broncos Suck."

14. You sent your rainbow wig out for its yearly clean-and-fluff.

13. Simply *got* to drink the beer, but refuse to miss any of the game or the cool commercials? Hey, "Depends" aren't only for the incontinent!

12. Delirious, absurd thoughts of a possible AFC victory are going through your fevered head.

11. Your hair is matted like an Albert, you're as swollen as a Madden and you're sweating like a Gifford.

10. Unable to afford the ticket scalpers' prices on your own, you've just sent your daughter into town with a nice gentleman.

9. You never before stopped to consider how gorgeous your wife would look in an orange-and-blue teddy.

8. Suddenly, that green and yellow phlegm you just hacked up seems, well, darn right fervorous.

7. 1) You've drawn really thick black lines under your eyes for the last month. 2) Your mother wasn't Judy Garland.

6. Unable to find a plastic cheesehead, you arrange to have a 30-pound slab of cheddar surgically attached to your forehead.

5. You've painted your face green and yellow and you're wearing a cheesehead to work, despite the protests of the family of the deceased.

4. "Vinny, put me down for $50,000 on the Bud Dry team."

3. Boss wouldn't have minded you wearing your "Packer uniform" to work if it had consisted of something other than extensive tattooing.

2. You're constant talking about Brett Favre's groin muscle has gotten your wife all excited.

and the Number 1 Sign You've Got Super Bowl Fever...

1. Every damn cartoon beaver is starting to look like John Elway.

The visit of my mother-in-law could not have occurred at a worst time. My wife had run off with the milkman and I was missing him terribly. I spent most of the day staring vacantly out of the window at the garbage bins overflowing with rubbish, without really seeing them or the rubbish, for that matter. When my mother-in-law flew in through the open window, the tip of her broomstick hit my chest making me fall backward and I hit my head on the many trays of half-eaten TV dinners laying on the floor, except that they were not half-eaten any more because Fester, my Bull Terrier had eaten the other half, or halves as it were. With difficulty, I managed to get up and felt an excruciating, practically unbearable pain in my chest, head and butt, the latter due more to the presence of my mother-in-law than the result of the fall. Casually brushing away a noodle that became entangled in my hair and had been obviously missed by Fester, I tried to look collected, whilst feeling morose and...

"Mariotti?"
"Yes?"
"You are supposed to post this trash to BlueDogSociete."
"That's right. So?"
"You just posted it to HUMOR."
"Oops... Let's hope they find it funny."
"You are pathetic."

(courtesy of the Comedy List)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ (no peeking!)

1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2) Ecuador.
3) From sheep and horses.
4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5) Squirrel fir.
6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8) Distinctively crimson.
9) New Zealand.
10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than done". :-)

Subject: New Microsoft Product

New Microsoft Product

Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God Himself. The new product would be named, predictably enough, Microsoft God, and would be available to consumers some time in late 1998. Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's new Religions division. "Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with."

The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including:

Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.

Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server.

Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.

Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product will erase itself from the user's system and establish a clear line of secure communications to the user's Microsoft God server.

Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a customized user interface. These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new God product in much the same way as the previous version. This line is expected to include Microsoft Christianity, Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc.

Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning to release a competing product, Netscape Satanism, that would attempt to render Microsoft God installations inoperable.

A friend of mine at work dropped into my office a few days ago wanting some help with her son's homework. He's in an advanced mathematics class in high school, and since I'm a statistician and have a head full of trivia, she thought I could possibly help. The homework wanted such bits of info as "five interesting facts about pi", "how to determine the circumference of the earth using the sun's shadow", and so on. After regaling her with bits of historical trivia for a few minutes, she said, "You know, you're really smart. Are you a member of the, uh... Menses Society?"

(Of course I burst into laughter, as did she after she realized what she had said. I was in a state of low-level hysterics for several minutes. My immediate response -- besides laughing -- was to say "I don't think so -- at least I wasn't the last time I looked." Another friend suggested, "I'm not, but my mother is.")

And no,I am not competing with Bill..:-)

"Getting divorced just because you don't love is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.."

10. Lately she sits at the computer naked
9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette
8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up
6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand
5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software"
4. Lipstick on the mouse
3. During sex, she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!"
2. The fax file is filled with pictures of someone's butt
1. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the Manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

She continues, "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."