KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

What better way to end the "Seinfeld" series than to have Newman go postal in the final episode?

I am so glad that there is only one chance for first impressions -- they are so unreliable.

Until the media informed me, Iw as not aware that the biggest crisis in my life was "Seinfeld" going off the air.

The salesman said it was guaranteed for a lifetime. If I had known that, I would have sent someone younger to buy it.

It has been proven that the first step to burglar proofing your home is cleaning your gun.

If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.

That Folgers coffee commercial has it all wrong. The best part of waking up is waking up.

It's amazing how your kids stop coming back home once they get their own washer and dryer.

Twenty years ago, when we got married, I told my husband I'd never take off his wedding ring. What he doesn't know today is that I couldn't get it off if I wanted to.

Never slap a guy in the face who is chewing tobacco.

One way I save time is by not listening to the news whenever the lead story is a puff-story, e.g., "President Clinton was disposed for six hours ...." If that's the most important thing that happened this weekend, then I'm safe for another day.

Q: What did the fish say when he hit a wall?
A: Damn!

In this modern era, where cloning, hybrid and generic engineering have become household words, few of us remember the true pioneer of genetic experimentation. I am, of course speaking of Dr. Moreau. Not the Dr. Moreau immortalized by H. G. Wells in his famous novel, but the real Pierrre Moreau who actually attempted to form new species from unrelated animals. Most of his experiments failed. Most of the documents that survived deal with his attempts to cross a dog and a cat, but none lived more than a few hours after birth. His studies were ridiculed by the French Academy of Science and he died in disgrace not realizing he was a hundred years before his time.

He had only a single success, which occurred when he cloned the chromosomes of the black rhinoceros with the giant panda of China. Only one of this new species, which he called a pandocerus survived beyond infancy but with dilegence and care, one did grow to full maturity.

This magnificent animal was over five foot tall and weighed 500 pounds. It had a long soft black and white fur coat and a 18 inch hollow cylindrical horn on its forehead. The horn communicated through a canal with the posterior pharynx, which, unlike the elephant which uses its trunk to breathe, was primary used for feeding. His daily supply of bamboo shoots and berries was placed in the horn and with the use of a plunger-like devise invented by Dr. Moreau, the beast could get its frequent feedings as it desired.

It was a loving animal, ideal for a pet, and loved to play with children. Unfortunately, like most hybrids, it was sterile. This made commercial production of pandaceri uneconomical, and the process was never repeated by Dr. Moreau or his disciples.

In 1895, faced with forced closure of his island laboratories, Moreau sold his only successful hybrid to the Circus de Royal, where it was the premier attraction for two years before its untimely death from pneumonia.Visitors from throughout the world travelled to have an opportunity to pet this wonderful beast. For a few years, the Circus de Royal was the most talked about and visited entertainment center in all of Europe.

Now, one hundred years after the untimely death of the world=92s only pandacerus, there are few still alive that remember their trips to the circus and the excitement of seeing and petting the magnificent FURRY WITH THE SYRINGE ON THE TOP.

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?

The Rolling Stones sing, "Hey, you, get off a' my cloud", while the Scotsman says, "Hey, MacLoud, get off a' my ewe."

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" yells the President. "It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.
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Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and says something. Suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'"
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Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's specials are chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says.
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, he'll have the fish," Hillary replies.
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Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A. The nation.
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Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
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Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps ofAir Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the steps, he says to the honor guardsman, "These are genuine Arkansas Razor-Back Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary." The guardsman replies, "Nice trade, Sir."
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One day, Clinton angrily called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office. He said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!"
"Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replies.
"I'll take those mirrors out right away!"

That modern icon, Forrest Gump, was intellectually challenged, but nevertheless worked very hard to maximize his potential, such as it was. The protagonist of this story, Rosemary, was very similar to Forrest in many respects. She worked very hard, she studied hard, and she greatly hated being less smart than the other children. Generally, this made her work even harder, but at times she became discouraged. One day she asked her favorite teacher if she really would someday become smarter if she continued to work very hard. The encouragement came, "YOU WILL BE PARTIALLY SAGE, ROSEMARY, IN TIME."

One thing you can say about ancient Egyptian society is that both genders were equally prized. In fact, one of the most famous pharaohs had many wives, most of whom bore him female children. Eventually, as was frequently the case with such polygamous societies, he had dozens of girls running all around the place. Pharaoh loved them each and every one, and he filled one of the small Egyptian valleys with beautiful marble statues honoring these children. Unfortunately, our modern times are ignorant about the images of these young women, because an untimely earthquake shook the valley and broke all the statues into fragments. Pharaoh was greatly saddened. His Valley of Joy had become a continuous affront to his eyes, and he wanted to fill it in. This was a task even beyond the powers of a pharaoh, however. Pharaoh=92s advisors immediately=

sent for Howard the Duck. Howard was weird looking, loud, and might be characterized as generally disrespectful. Pharaoh was not amused. "How are you, a particularly worthless and foul example of a duck going to fill in this Valley of Disaster?" he shouted. Howard reassured the king, saying, "My feathers grow very quickly, and they are as hard as rock. LIKE A RIDGE OVER RUBBLED DAUGHTERS, I WILL LAY MY DOWN."

Women
=====
* Can you imagine a world without men ?
No crime and lots of happy fat women.

* Women have two weapons - cosmetics and tears.

* Women may be the only group that grows more radical with age.

The Battle
==========
* A woman has the last word in any argument.

* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A medical office is moving soon, and the secretaries sent a memo to the doctors to see if anyone wanted a pile of old chest x-rays that were gathering dust in a closet.

One suggested that we donate them to poor people who couldn't afford x-rays of their own. More heart than brains, I guess.

10. How are the wedding plans going?

9. Are you nervous yet?

8. Has she sobered up?

7. I heard you got married last week.

6. Is it a big wedding?

5. I TOLD YOU TO TAKE OUT THE #&@^% GARBAGE YOU #&^#%$*@!!! I DON'T KNOW WHY THE #%@& I AGREED TO MARRY A (*^&@&^ LIKE YOU!!!

4. OK. I'll up the offer to $5000, just please don't marry into our family.

3. ....and the cost for that will be ....

2. I'm sorry... this credit card isn't being accepted.

1. Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you??"

The farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of them dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney said, "Okay, let me put it this way: why do you want a divorce?"

The farmer replied, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."