KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

An Australian, and Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. A man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out, "My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table. The Irishman calls out across the lounge, "hey! hey you! are you Jesus?" Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says.

Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guiness from me" The bartender pours Jesus a Guiness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks. The Englishman then calls out, "er, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says 'Yes, I am Jesus". The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of stout for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?" Jesus nods and says "Yes, I am Jesus". The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.

Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guiness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement "oh God! the arthritis is gone! the arthritis I've had for years is gone! It's a miracle!!!"

Jesus then shakes the Englishman's hand, thanking him for the stout. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock "By jove, the migraine! the migraine I've for 40 years is completely gone - it's a miracle!!!" Jesus then goes to approach the Australian who says "Back off mate! I'm on Worker's Comp." !!

Every morning on the beach the crowd was startled to see a jogger with the build of a pro football player but with a head the size of a baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and ask "What happened to give you such a small head?" The jogger sadly told the story of how he found a magic lamp on the beach, rubbed it and a beautiful female genie came out. She said, "I can give you one wish, would you like a quick screw or a little head?"

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty. "No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb. I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb. "No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan "I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan. "No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming. "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."

Then Tom Thumb went in and also quickly came out proudly shouting: "I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees."

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half day later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton"

It is an established medical fact that there is not enough blood in an adult male for the brain and the penis to work properly at the same time. It does not matter who you are, for even the president this is a fact of life. So any time the president's willie becomes welled, the presidential brain is not functioning and national security is at risk. Enter a highly trained intern to quickly administer the steps necessary to divert the blood flow back to the brain as quickly as possible, to enable the president to effectively concentrate on matters of national importance. The presence of such competent interns in the White House may explain the president's good performance and high popularity, but mostly you just hear about his significant other. The truth of the matter is, it's not the lady BEHIND him who makes him great, it's the one DOWN IN FRONT!

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decided to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she let out a sigh.
The man ran out and told the doctor who said that was a good sign and suggested he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The husband went in and rubbed her right breast.
This produced a moan from his wife.
He rushed out and told the doctor. The doctor said this was amazing and a real breakthrough. The doctor then suggested the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he would wait outside as it is a personal act and he didn't want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in, then came out about five minutes later, white as a sheet. He told the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asked what happen to which the man replied, "She choked."

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
"Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place.
They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.
He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

Sammy and Ralph were two snails who lived next door to each other and were very good friends. They looked so similar they could have been brothers. They were very competitive, and would spend their days pretending to be race cars. One bright day, they were arguing about their speeding prowess, when another of their friends suggested they race each other on a nearby road. They both thought that was a marvelous idea. So, a whole group of snails followed the two out to the road, and settled themselves down to watch the race. Now, Sammy was a very considerate snail, and thought that the snails in the stands would like to be able to tell which snail was which, so he painted a gigantic S on his back. The race began, and Sammy was in the lead. Then, inch by inch, Ralph crept past him until he was in the lead! Sammy was moving as fast as he could, until, finally, with a great burst of speed, he flew by Ralph -- while the snails in the stand were shouting, "S car go! S car go!"

Q.Why is the bride ALWAYS out of luck on the Wedding Day?

A.She NEVER gets the Best Man....