KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
8. Not everything works according to the specs in the data book.
7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
6. Never try to fix hardware with software.
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
4. Overtime pay? What's overtime pay?
3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.
1. Dilbert is a documentary.

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a TRAGEDY. One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a TRAGEDY."

"No," Clinton says, "that would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a TRAGEDY."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton. "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a TRAGEDY?"

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he speaks, "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a TRAGEDY."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an ACCIDENT, and it certainly would be no GREAT LOSS!"

In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite of the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr. Michaels deck. Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail. Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed. He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported, "Followed by a loud thud.". Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries. "It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt."

--An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.
--An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.
--An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.
--The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets... which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men.
--An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
--Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.
--An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.
--Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.
--An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know...
--Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.
--An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you!
--Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call...
--Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.
--An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...
--Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.
--Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.
--Older women know what Kegel exercises are.
--An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal.
Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.
--Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.
--Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.
--An older woman has lots of girlfriends... and most of them will want to screw you too.
--An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.
--An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

An English professor and his son recently moved to Texas. One Saturday afternoon they decided to take a walk through the park. During the walk the boy sees two cowboys go by.

"Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!"

The father is surprised by this and tells his son that that is not very nice language to use.

A few minutes later, two more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, "Dad, look at those bow legged bastards!"

The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says, "I told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it again, or else."

Just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys, walk by and once again the child yells, "Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!"

"That's it!" the father yells, and takes the kid home and locks him in his room with the complete works of Shakespeare.

Two weeks later, he lets his son out and notices that he has taken to speaking in verse like Shakespeare wrote. This impressed the father so he decided to take his son out for another walk through the park. As they were walking a pair of cowboys walk past them.

The boy turns to his father and says, "Father, what strange men are these / whose balls hang in parentheses?"

A Russian, a New Yorker, and a Texan were being interviewed by a TV news crew. The reporter asked, "Excuse me, what do you think about the meat shortage?"

The Texan answered, "What shortage?"

The Russian answered, "What's meat?"

The New Yorker answered, "What's 'excuse me'?"

Quoted from an article about Cannibalism in the "New Scientist" 14 March 1998.

'The story of Alfred Packer, the first American to be convicted of cannibalism remains a classic. While prospecting for gold in Coloroado's San Juan mountains in 1873, Packer became trapped in a shack during a blizzard, and survived by eating his fellow prospectors. He was arrested, tried, and sentenced to 40 years imprisonment, although he served only 15.

"You are a low down depraved son of a bitch" the judge told him. "There were only seven Democrats in Hinsdale county, and you ate five of them." '

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

The morning after a night on the town in Minneapolis, Bob told his friend about the Golden Club that he had been drinking in. Everything in the club was lined with gold. The glasses had a gold rim, the rail on the bar was plated with gold, even the urinals were gold plated.

Bob was ready to believe his buddy until he mentioned the gold plated urinals so he phoned the Golden Club. "Is it true that the glasses in your club have a gold rim?" Bob asked.

"Yes, it's true" replied the voice on the other end.

"And is the rail on the bar plated with gold?" asked Bob.

"Yes it is" was the reply from the other end. "

"And, one more thing, is it true that the urinals are gold plated?" inquired Bob.

Bob could hear the person on the other end yell to the band "Hey Joe, I think I found the guy that took a leak in your saxophone last night!"