| 701. Twelve-year-old scotch A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman for twelve-year-old scotch. The barman thinks "This guy is pretty pretentious" and proceeds to pour him a drink of six-year-old scotch. He gives it to the customer who takes a drink, exclaiming, "This isn't twelve-year-old scotch, this is six-year-old scotch" The barman thinks, hey this guy knows what he's talking about, and the two of them get into a conversation about where the customer is from etc.. At one point an old guy, who was sitting at the other end of the bar comes over with a glass and hands it to the customer. The latter takes a drink, and spits it out. "This is piss!" he yells. The old guy nods and says, "Yeah, but how old am I?" 702. Two newfies These two newfies are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away. He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end." The buddy gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!" 703. Sky dive A newfie wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the newfie to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The newfie understood and was ready.
The time came to have the newfie jump from the air plane. The
instructor reminded him that he would be right behind him. The
newfie proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for
a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping
from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute
did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute
open, darted past the newfie. 704. At the beach in France A Polish guy is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women. "Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they *want*?" "Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very queekly zees way." "Wow! Thanks!" says the Polish guy, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies. So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I *still* haven't been able to meet a girl." "Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way." "Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman. "Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?" "Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the *front* of zee sweeming suit?" 705. Two immigrants Two immigrants arrived in America. On their first day off the boat in New York City, they spied a hot dog vendor in the street. "Do they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other. "I dunno." "Well, we're going to live here, so we might as well learn to do as they do." So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up in wax paper and sat down to eat them on a nearby park bench. One immigrant looked inside his wax paper, then over at the other and asked, "What part did you get?" 706. National Love Making A Frenchman, an Italian and an Canadian were discussing love-making. "Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ectasy this morning..." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man." When the Canadian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once." he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop." 707. A glass of hot water A vampire walks into a bar and asks for a bloody mary, then takes it to a table in the back. Anothere vampire comes in and does the same. So when the third vampire comes in, the bartender says "Let me guess, you want a bloody marry?" The vampire said "No, just a glass of hot water." The vampire sat down at the bar, pulled out a bloody tampon and said, "Tea-Time!" 708. In a gay bar This man walks into a Gay Bar not knowing it's a gay bar and sits down at a table some gay guy walks up to him and says "Wanna play football" the man says okay and thay go behind the bar the gay guy says "alright a burp is a touch down and a fart is a field goal. So the man says I'm goin' for the feild goal and the gay guy gets a small grin on his face, the man bends over and is about to fart and the gay guy buttf***s him the man goes what the hell why you do that. THae gay guy says I was trying to block your field goal. 709. Trying to get a lady There was a guy and he was at a bar all night trying to get a lady. He tryed and tryed all night, he couldn't get one. He went home and his brother told him to put a potato down his pants. On his way to the bar that night he put the potato down his pants. He was at the bar all night. He couldn't get a lady. He went to home and told his brother that he still didn't get a lady. His brother said that he should put the potato down the front of his pants next time, 710. Three mice are sitting and drinking in a mouse bar. The first mouse knocks back his drink and says, "I'm one bad mouse. Why when I want cheese I go find a trap and sit on the spring while I eat. I am one bad mouse." The second mouse knocks back his drink and says, "I'm one bad mouse. Why I chop up D-Con with a razor blade and sniff it up my nose, just for the high it gives me. I am one bad mouse." The third mouse knocks back his drink, gets up off his bar stool and heads for the door. The first two mice say, "Hey, where you going?" The third mouse says, "Home! To fuck the cat." |