| 711.The word is "beautiful" The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?" Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn." Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn." Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful.'" 712. The tombstone A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honost man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honost and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!" 713. A Wish..... It seems there were these two statues and they were a couple hundred years old. One day, a fairy flew over them and tapped their heads with her wand. "You have 24 hours to do WHATEVER YOU WANT," she said to the statues. Fast-forward 23 hours, 57 minutes later... The male statue says to the female statue, "Why don't we do it again?" The female statue says, "We don't have enough time!" The male statue says, "Sure we do! just ONE MORE TIME, please??" Whereupon the female statue says, "Oh, all right! but this time YOU hold the pigeon and I'LL crap on it!" 714. Las Vegas A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home -- arriving back 3 a.m. He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree." The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first." 715. A FOOL & HIS MONEY! A FOOL & HIS MONEY! - a story about a rich lady An rather elderly lady carrying a soiled lunchbag walked into the main offices of the Chase Mahattan Bank, went to the nearest teller's window, plunked down the bag, and said: " I wish to make a deposit, but beforehand I'd like to meet with the President of the bank" The clerk was about to explain that this was quite impossible, when a quick count showed there to be somewhat over 3 million dollars in cash in the sack! Flabergasted at the amount, he called upstairs to the President's office and explained the situation to his secretary who relayed it to her boss. The old lady was ushered upstairs into the President's office and introductions were made. Wondering how this old lady had come by such a tidy sum, the President inquired: "Are you in the stock market?" "No" "Play the horses then...?" "No,..... actually I do wager,....... but I prefer to bet on people." "I see." said the President. "Yes", continued the old lady,...."As a matter of fact, I will wager you $25,000.00 dollars that by tomorrow morning at 9 O'clock your balls will be square!" Speculating that he could not possibly lose the bet, the President said: " I'll have to take you up on that one!" He and the old lady shook hands and parted company. The President was very carefull the rest of the day and did not go out that evening to avoid risk. Next morning as he was showering, he checked himself and all was as it should be. He went to work humming! At exactly 9 O'clock the old lady was again shown into the President's office only this time accompanied by a distinguished looking gentleman in an expensive suit. The woman explained, "This is Mr. Bartelby my attorney, I always bring him along when dealing in large sums." The President acknowledged the lawyer and then said, "Well I hate to tell you this, but I am the same as yesterday only $25000.00 richer!" The old lady asked for proof, and in light of the sum involved, the President agreed to drop his trousers to allow the old lady to grasp his scrotum. At this point the attorney started to bang his head against the President's desk with vigor. "What's wrong with him !" asked the President. "Oh him", said the woman, " I bet him $100000.00 yesterday that by 915 tomorrow I would have the President of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls!" 716. Soap fiasco Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned. Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S. Berman __________________________________ Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid __________________________________ Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. Berman __________________________________ Dear Mr. Berman, My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid, __________________________________ Dear Mr. Berman, The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen __________________________________ Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. Berman __________________________________ Dear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper __________________________________ Dear Mr. Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. Berman __________________________________ Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our Maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder __________________________________ Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. Berman __________________________________ Dear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen __________________________________ Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess: * On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. * On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. * On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. * Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. * In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. * On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. * On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings. S. Berman 717. A little boy John There's this little boy John and one day he goes up to his mother and asks:
"Mom, how old are you?"
"How much do you weigh?"
"Why did Dad leave us?" So John goes back to school and tells little TOMMY: "TOMMY, my mom doesn't want to tell me how old she is or what she weighs. She doesn't answer any of my questions" And little TOMMY replies: "you should go into her wallet and look at her driver's license. All your questions will be answerd. So John goes back home and look into his mom's purse and looks at her driver's license and goes to his mom:
"Mom, you're 39 years old."
"And you weigh 142 lbs."
"One last thing... I know why dad left us." "Because you got an F in sex" 718. Ugly
Little Johnny said to his aunt Tess, "My God, you're ugly, aren't
you!" 719. In the garden
Little Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out
to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned
pale. "No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!" 720. How many are left? An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?" One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away." The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer. Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, "No, there would be one -- the one that the farmer shot." The teacher replied, "No, Johnny, you're wrong, but I like the way you think." "OK, teacher, I have a riddle for you," boasted Johnny. "Let's say three women are at a bar and they each order a single scoop ice cream cone. The first one eats it by gently licking it around the edges, the second slowly sucks the ice cream off the cone from the top, and the third gobbles the top and then sucks the rest out of the cone. Which one is married?" After a few seconds of contemplation, the teacher replied, "Well, I think it must be the third, the one that gobbles the top and sucks out the inside." Johnny responded, "No, teacher, you're wrong -- it's the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think." |