KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too ____-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

A woman goes to a plastic surgeon to get some work done. She says to the surgeon, "What can you do for me?"
The surgeon says, "Well, you have bags under your eyes, I can fix those, and you have crow's feet by your eyes. I can tighten the skin up."
The woman asks for a price, and the surgeon gives her one. She says she can afford more than that, what else can he do?
"Well," says the surgeon, "your forehead is a little wrinkley, I can pull that tight. Also, your jowls droop down. I can fix that, also."
Again, the woman asks for a price, and says that she can afford more than the surgeon says, and asks what else he can do.
The surgeon says, "Well, for $1200, I can give you the full treatment, from the neck up. You have a double chin, and I can fix that for you.
Also, your neck and throat are a little baggy. I can pull all that tight for you. And, as an extra, I will put a small screw in the back of your neck, under your hair. When you start to get more wrinkles, you can come in, and I will tighten the screw a bit, and tighten your skin right up."
The woman agrees, and has the work done. She looks beautiful. 8 months later, the woman calls the surgeon on the phone. "Doctor! I have a problem! I have these hugh bags under my eyes! I have never had bags like this before! I need to come in and have you fix this!"
The surgeon says to her, "Lady, those aren't bags, those are your tits.
And, if you don't stop turning that screw, you're gonna have a goatee."

It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse to fetch him a sample of Urine. He then talked at length about Diabetes mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which means sweet as honey.
Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine of a diabetic..." By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw colored fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid, all of us foolishly licked that finger. "Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learned the first principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation." We were baffled. We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some nonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but licked my INDEX finger - not like all you chaps.

The couple visited a sex clinic to complain that their sex life had become a bore.

Each night, the man would arrive home. His wife would prepare supper. After supper, they'd watch two hours of television. Immediately afterwards, they would go to bed. From that point on, every move was routine.

"No wonder," the sex therapist said. "You've made sex monotonous. Stop living on a schedule. Get into sex whenever you feel like it. Don't wait until bedtime each night to do it. Do it whenever you get into the mood."

The couple agreed to try the advice. They returned the following week.

"How did things work out?" the sex therapist asked.

The man and his wife were beaming. "It worked! It worked great!!!"

"Tell me about it," said the therapist.

"Well, two nights after we saw you last, we were eating supper when I noticed that although it was only seven o'clock, I had this huge erection that was unstoppable. Sweetie pie here was staring at it with longing eyes. So I didn't wait for any shower or any news broadcast. Instead, I reached out, ripped off her blouse and bra. Then I tore off her panties. I flung her right onto the table, spilling all the wine and soup in the process. Then I unzipped and we had sex like we've never had it before!!"

"That's wonderful!!" said the sex therapist. "I told you it would work if you did it when the spirit moved you!"

"Only one thing," said the man a little sadly. "They're not ever going to let us go back to that restaurant."

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to livewith..

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this crap before.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to he!! and make you feel happy to be on your way.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Customer: (to bartender) My wife and I just got into a knock down, drag out fight! Bartender: What happened? Customer: When it was all over, she came crawling to me on her hands and knees!
Bartender: Wow!
What did she say? Customer: She said, "come out from under that bed right now you coward or I'll kick your butt again!!"

A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. "Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight." When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, "Not really, for I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway."

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor"
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"MY dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what problem is?"
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."

A man & wife entered a dentist's office. The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is.
The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

An elderly gentlemen went to the doctor for a physical. After examining the man, the doctor said "I think you are alright, but just the same before you leave I would like a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample." The man, who was a little hard of hearing, turned to his wife and said "What did the doctor say?"
His wife quickly replied "He wants your shorts!!!!!"