KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them.

What is the difference between government bonds and men?
Government bonds mature.

What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vaccum.

What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T Phoned home.

Why is a psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man than for a woman?
When it's time to go back to hid childhood , he's already there.

What did God say after he created man?
I can do better than this!

How do men define 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat we clean/theydirty we iron/they wrinkle

What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.

What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A hot-dog and a six-pack.

How are men like noodles?
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough

Why is good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space at least the women will ask for directions.

What do men & beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

What do men & parking spots have in common?
All the good ones are taken and the ones left are handicapped.

What do men & beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

A teacher was testing her class's ability to taste by giving them lifesavers.First she gave them all red ones and their hands went up,"cherry!" "Very good," said the teacher.Next she gave them a white one and they thought about it and finally one kid said,"peppermint?"
"excellent," said the teacher.Finally she gave them honey- flavored brown ones.They tasted the lifesaver,but could not name the flavor."I'll give you a clue.It's something that your mommy calls your daddy" said the teacher.Suddenly , Dirty Ernie shouted,"Quick ,spit them out !They're ass holes!"

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book.

COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket - clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod).
When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was put to him.
"So what's the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin' or you just want to always be ready or what?"
"Not scared ..." Benny growled, "been doin' it dis way ever since me sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout ten ten years ago now".
"Oh yeah? ... so ...?"
"Well, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler who made it wit all da dames. He never even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut about it", Benny explained.
Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter.
"And since dat time I gotta do it dis way".
"But WHY?!", Louie finally demanded?
"Well, I was at da wedding", grumbled Benny, and I wasn't about to say nuttin' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said ...

... Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!"

SON: DAD, I HAVE TO DO A SPECIAL REPORT FOR SCHOOL. CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
FATHER: SURE SON, WHAT'S THE QUESTION?

SON: WHAT IS POLITICS?

FATHER: WELL, LET'S TAKE OUR HOME FOR EXAMPLE. I AM THE WAGE EARNER, SO LET'S CALL ME MANAGEMENT. YOUR MOTHER IS THE ADMINISTRATOR OF THE MONEY, SO WE'LL CALL HER GOVERNMENT. WE TAKE CARE OF YOUR NEEDS, SO LET'S CALL YOU THE PEOPLE. WE'LL CALL THE MAID THE WORKING CLASS AND YOUR BABY BROTHER WE WILL CALL THE FUTURE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

SON: I'M NOT REALLY SURE, DAD. I'LL HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room where, peeking through the key hole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to bed.

The next morning:

SON: DAD, NOW I THINK I UNDERSTAND POLITICS.

FATHER: THAT'S GREAT SON, EXPLAIN IT TO ME IN YOUR OWN WORDS.

SON: WELL, DAD, WHILE MANAGEMENT IS SCREWING THE WORKING CLASS THE GOVERNMENT IS SOUND ASLEEP. THE PEOPLE ARE BEING COMPLETELY IGNORED AND THE FUTURE IS FULL OF SHIT.

A man entered a tattoo parlor on the lower west side and wanted to get a tattoo.

"What can I do for you?" asked the tattoo artist. "Well," the man replied, "I want a $100 dollar bill tattooed on my donger."

"I've never that request before. Do you mind if I ask why?"

"Well, I really like watch my money grow. I also love to play with my money and, I'll tell you, My wife can blow a hundred dollar's better than anyone I've known!"

Sometimes it helps to think of happy scenes. Maybe a pastoral field, a field with a babbling brook. You're there on a lovely summers day... holding someones head under the water. Now you're letting them up for a second. Them BLAM ! Back into the freezing water ! Over and Over again.

There, Feel better ?

"Is your mother home?" the salesman asked a small boy sitting on the steps in front of a house. "Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past. The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home." The kid replied, "She is; but this isn't where I live.

A guy is tending bar at a sophisticated NY party when two nose-in-the-air women approach.

"So, where y'all from?" he asks.

"We are from," one of them answers, "somewhere where people don't end their sentences with prepositions."

"Oh," says the bartender. "So, where y'all from, bitch?"

Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a Mexican, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad. They bring out the American and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!" They all look and the American runs away. Next, they place the German in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!" They all hit the dust and the German escapes. Next up is the Mexican. He looks around and shouts "Fire!"