KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl in the back seat. They make love, but the girl wants it again and the guy complies. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself."
While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat. He asks the man "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."
So that's what the man does and he is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks "What are you doing in there?" The guy says "I'm making love to my wife." The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?" The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."

An Indian guide was hired by some hunters from Massachusetts to lead them on a moose hunting trip in Northern Maine. One of the guys was skeptical hat the guide could locate moose, but the hunter who hired him assured his friend that he was highly recommended by the locals in the area.
On the first morning of the trip, the group set out, led by the Indian guide. They were not on the move for more than twenty minutes when suddenly the guide stopped dead in his tracks, put his ear to the ground and didn't move for about 2 minutes. Then he solemnly rose to his feet while wiping his ear and announced, "Moose come!". The hunter who originally doubted the guide's ability was truly amazed.
He asked the guide, "You can hear the moose coming?".
The Indian looked at him and said, "No, sticky ear!!".

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told her, "If you don't do the following, your husband will lose his will to live and surely die."
1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off towork in a good mood.
2. At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
3. For dinner, fix especially nice meals selected from his favorite foods and don't burden him with household chores or problems.
4. Make love with him several times a week and satisfy his every sexual whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.
She replied, "You're going to die."

A rather posh lady is showing her small daughter around Rome in the back of a taxi. They pass a railway station and the daughter asks: "Mummy, what are all those ladies doing standing around in very short dresses?".

The mother realizes that she is referring to the prostitute day shift, but hedges - "I expect they are waiting for their friends, or looking at the Roman architecture, dear".

The taxi driver flips back the partition and says:

"Go on, a-mother. Tell her they're prostitutes!".

"Mummy what are 'prostitutes'?"

With a sigh, Mother tells all.

The little girl is very interested:

"But Mummy, don't they sometimes have babies?".

"Well yes dear, I'm afraid they do."

"But Mummy, what happens to the babies?".

"Well dear, that's the interesting thing about it: invariably they become taxi-drivers".

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. he opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be damned." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"

"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last test has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrased beyond anything he could possibly face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard. The security guard ask: "What's going on?" To which the drunk replied: "I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall , 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicals , 3 pound right testicals, Turner Brown"

The small guy faints.

The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to , slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?"

The small guy says, "Excuse me , but what did you say ?" The big dude looks down and says "7 feet tall , 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicals , 3 pound right testicals, Turner Brown"

The small guy says, "Thank god ! I thought you said 'Turn Around'."

* Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.

* There would be a cure for stretch marks.

* Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

* Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

* All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

* Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

* Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

* They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

* Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

* Breifcases would be used as diaper bags.

* Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

* They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

* Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.

* Women would rule the world.

This guy walked into a bar with a monkey on a string. He sat at the bar, and announced that the monkey is for sale.
The barman relied "I don't want any monkey!! They destroy everthing, and they are a nuisnace!"
The guy replied "But this is a special monkey. It gives a really good blowjob. Look, go in the back and try it out."
After 10 minutes, the barman returns with a broad grin.
"Man, that monkey is really good!! How much do you want for it?"
$200 was exchanged.
That evening, the barman returned home to his wife.
"Hi, dear. I just bought this monkey. I want you to teach it to cook and wash, and then I want you to get the hell out of this house!!!"