KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

1. "Oh, you had a bad day at work? Where's my dinner?"

2. "I know this is the fifth night in a row I've been out with the guys, but it's the Tyson fight."

3. "I know it's a 3-day golf weekend...we'll make love when I get back, OK?"

4. "Are you retaining water this week?"

5. "I was only kidding..."

6. "Are you feeling ok? You look like shit."

7. "Your best friend Debbie is such a bitch!"

8. "I'll be right up after the Simpsons, OK?"

9. "You should see the new sexy, young employee that started today..."

10. "I don't really care for cats."

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

A man walks into a bank and says he wants to borrow $200 for six months. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says "I've got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys."

Six months later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $200 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce.

The loan officer asks him, "Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two hundred dollars?"

The man answers, "I had to go to Europe for six months, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?"

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

"You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."

"Oh yes dear, what happened ?"

"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."

"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?"

"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions."

Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!" She sat down, red-faced.

"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin

"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan.

"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!"

A guy walks into a bar and sees a man sitting at the end with the smallest head he's ever seen. In fact, it is only about two inches high. So, he sits down next to him and asks, "How is that you have such a small head?"

The man replies, "Well you see, I was stranded on a deserted island and was combing the beach, when I came across an ornate bottle. When I opened it to see what was inside, a beautiful genie appeared and told me that I would be granted three wishes. My first wish was for a luxurious boat to take me home."

{poof}

The man continues, "A large yacht appeared just off shore. Then for my second wish, I asked to be wealthy, so I would want for nothing when I got home."

{poof}

The man goes on, "After a large pile of gold coins appeared on the deck of the yacht, I asked to make passionate love to the genie for my third wish. The genie told me that she could not do that, so I asked, 'How about a little head?'"

A bartender is preparing to close the bar. He has to ask the last man to leave after staying all afternoon & evening. The man leaves with no problem. The bartender sweeps up, puts the chairs up, turns out the lights and is just about to lock the door when someone pounds on the door. He opens the door to find the man who he had jsut asked to leave standing there. The drunk says "You have to help me, I can't find my car". The bartender ask's "Where did you last see it?" The drunk replies " It was right here on the end of my key". The bartender realizing that the man was in no condition to drive, told him "come on back in, I'll turn on the lights and call you a cab" When he got the man inside, he noticed that his fly was open and his ________ was hanging out. He told the man "Hey, your fly is open and your ______ is hanging out"!! The drunk looked down in astonishment and screamed "OH NO! First my Car and NOW my Girlfriend!!!!

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he see's a big jar full of 5's and a little card it reads:

Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh. COST $5

So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. 2 minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor. So the guy takes the money and leaves.

THE NEXT DAY:
The same guy walks in the bar again and see's the horse and the jar, this time it says:

You can win all of this if you make the horse cry. $10

So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. 4 minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had. So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks "How did you do that?" The guy says "The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!"

A young girl had just been dumped by her boyfriend and was devistated. She decided that life was not worth living, so she walked down to the docks and out to the end of a pier. She was standing there gathering the courage to jump when a young man grabbed her arm and started talking to her. He told her "I am a seaman sailing for Europe in the morning and I'll smuggle you aboard my ship and take good car of you" The young lady agreed and the young man smuggled her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat along the side of the ship. Every day he would bring her food and they would make mad passionate love. This went on for THREE weeks! One day the captain was inspecting the ship and lifted the cover of the liferaft where the girl was hiding. He started interrogating her and she told him of the young sailor who had saved her and was being so nice to her. The captain said " Young lady, This is the Staten Island Ferry"!!!!!

A physically large guys meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for ... the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms, and says "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!". She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, and strikes a musclebuilders pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!". She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks "Why are you in such a hurry to leave?". She replies "with 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"