KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

An American, an Englishman and a Japanese fellow were discussing their respective countries over drink at a London pub one evening. The English fellow mentioned how that British medicine had progressed so far that doctors recently had taken a single liver and cut it into six pieces then transplanted it into six separate men in need of a healthy liver. This had resulted in six new workers in the job market.
At this, the Japanese guy said that in his country doctors had cut a lung into twelve pieces, transplanted these into twelve people in need of healthy lungs, thereby putting twelve new people in the job market.
Not to be outdone, the American said "That's nothing. In the U.S. we took one asshole, made it President, and now there are 10 million people in the market for a job."

Gilligan: "Gee Skipper! I sure am glad we got away from those headhunters!"
Skipper: "You can say that again, little buddy!"
Gilligan: "Gee Skipper! I sure am glad we . . ."

Q. Do you know what mothballs smell like?
A. Yes.
Q. Really, how do you get their little legs apart?

Q. How do you make a hormone?
A. Don't pay her.

Q: What lies at the bottom of the sea and whimpers?
A: A nervous wreck.

Q: What is red and full of feathers?
A: A fallen angel.

Q: Which is the odd one out - a baked bean, a soya bean or a vibrator?
A: The baked bean - the other two are meat substitutes!

Q. What is long, hard, and carries seamen?
A. A submarine.

This IBM service rep, hardware engineer, and software engineer were driving down the road one day and they had a flat. The service rep wanted to replace the car, the hardware engineer thought they could work around it, and the software engineer said 'maybe if we ignore it, it'll go away'.

A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell. Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Adam Smith, looking bored. "What's it like in there?" asked Dave.

"Well," replied Adam, "In Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"That's terrible!!" gasped Dave. "I'm going to check out Communist Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven times before receding off into the horizon.

Dave pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people in. Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell was like.

"In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"But ... but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!" protested Dave.

"True," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we don't have knives ..."

A lady goes into a hardware store and asks for a hinge. The man at the counter gets one for her and asks "Do you want a screw for that hinge?".
The lady says "No, but I'll blow ya for that toaster over there!".

There is a man in a casino gambling with lots of "borrowed" money and a fairy comes and sits on his shoulder. He's playing pontoon and gets dealt a seven. The fairy advises him to buy a card for 500 pounds. Naturally he doesn't trust the fairy, but he decides to buy one anyway. He gets a five giving him twelve. The fairy then advises him to buy another card for 500 pounds. This time he does and gets a three. "Buy another for 500 pounds," says the fairy. This time he gets a five so he's got twenty with four cards. The fairy tells him to buy another for 500 pounds. He thinks to himself that the fairy's been right so far, so he complies. He gets dealt an ace. The fairy falls off his shoulder crying, "You lucky bastard!"

"Don't cry darling, Daddy had to drown the cat."
"Yes I know, but he promised I could do it."

As a little girl is coming out of school, a man pulls up in his car, winds down the window and says to her "I'll give you a sweet if you'll get in the car with me."
The little girl says "No, I not getting in the car."
The next day the man pulls up again, winds down the window and says"I'll give you two sweets if you'll get in the car with me."
The little girl says "No, I not getting in the car."
The third day the man pulls up and offers her a whole bag of sweets if she willget into the car.
"No Dad", replies the girl, "There's no way I'm getting into the Lada!"

There was a businessman, and he was feeling really crook, and he went to see the Doctor about it. The doctor says to him "Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?" and the man replies "Well, actually, i only eat peas, i hate all other green foods". The doctor was quite shocked at this and says "Well man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them up!!". The guy says "But how long for, i mean i really like peas!" and the doctor replies "Forever, i'm afraid". The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realises that he will never eat a pea again. Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says "Well, ashully, i'd love a cigarrette, cozi avint ad a smoke in four years, i gave it up". Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really, i haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so i gave it up!" and the businessman says "Thas nuvving, i haven't ad a pea in 6 years" and the barman jumps up screaming "Ok, everyone who can't swim, grab a table...."