KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a large evening ashore. As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him, he shouted:
"Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
"Well, Cap'n, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also shit in your pants."

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and and steals a roast. The butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
The next day, the butcher opens his mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $50 due for a consultation.

While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:
"Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you, but when I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion", she explained.
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife.
"I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars come from?"
"Oh that," his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!"

Murphy is walking down a country lane near his home when he spies a leprechaun sitting on a fencepost. "Ah ha!", says he to himself, "I'll catch the little fella and he'll have to give me his pot o' gold."
So, Murphy sneaks up on the leprechaun and grabs him by the shoulders.
The leprechaun is unhappy, but knows he can get away if he can get Murphy to look away from him, even for an instant.
"Where's your pot o' gold?", says Murphy.
"Isn't that a purple cow over there?", says the leprechaun.
"I'm not taking my eyes off you! Where's the gold?!", says Murphy.
"Look at that peacock flying overhead!", says the leprechaun.
"I'm wise to your tricks! Where's the gold?!!", says Murphy.
Finally, the leprechaun gives up. "All right", he says, "you've got me.
But I'm not a pot o' gold leprechaun, I'm a three-wish leprechaun."
"What's a three-wish leprechaun?", says Murphy.
"I can grant you up to three wishes", says the leprechaun, "but there's a catch. Whatever I give to you I give double to the person in the world you hate the most. I happen to know that's O'Brien over in the next town."
Murphy thinks it over and finally says "Done! For my first wish I want a fine, ten room mansion all for myself in that field over there."
"Done!" says the leprechaun and a beautiful mansion appears in the field.
In the field next to it is a 20 room mansion and on the porch stands a surprised O'Brien saying "Why, thank you, Murphy. I didn't think you liked me."
"For my next wish", says Murphy, "I want ten of the most beautiful women in the world to wait on me hand and foot."
"Done!", says the leprechaun, and ten stunning women appear on the front porch of Murphy's new mansion. O'Brien, now surrounded by twenty beautiful women, is positively beaming. "Bless you, lad! I take back all the bad thoughts I had of you", says he.
"Finally", says Murphy, "for my last wish ... I want my sexual potency to be cut by fifty percent!"

A woman went to her doctor for a followup visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."

Mickey Mouse was trying to convince a judge to give him a divorce from Minnie Mouse:
Judge: "I'm sorry Mickey, but you claiming Minnie is crazy is not a valid reason for me to grant a divorce."
Mickey: "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

A guy was in a record store to buy a 45-rpm record of his favorite song. After he located it, he realized that he forgot his wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decided to get a five-finger discount (shoplift), so he put it down his pants. Well, as he was leaving the store, the cashier stopped him and said, "Excuse me, but is that a record in your pants?"
To this, he responded, "It may not be a record, but I'm mighty proud of it."

A city boy went duck hunting in the country one day. While hunting he shot a duck which fell on the property of a farmer. The boy crawled over the fence to claim his kill. But, the farmer, seeing what had happened rushed out with his shotgun and yelled, "See here! That duck belongs too me!"
The city boy replies, "But I shot the duck, therefore it belongs to me!"
The farmer says, "It fell on my property so it belongs to me!" They continue to argue, each claiming ownership of the duck. After a while, the farmer says, "We should settle this the old-fashioned way."
The city boy asks, "What is the 'old-fashioned way'?"
The farmer explains, "First, I kick you in the groin. Then, you kick me in the groin and we continue in this fashion until one of us gives up. The one who wins gets the duck."
The city boy, willing to do anything to get his duck and leave, agrees to the contest. The farmer draws back his leg and kicks the city boy in the groin with all his might. The city boy, in horrible pain, falls to the ground moaning and groaning. After about 10 minutes, he manages to stand up and croaks, "It's my turn now."
The farmer says, "Oh, you can have the duck", and leaves.

A guy gets on a bus and notices a nun sitting over in a corner. Through her heavy head piece he just spots a glimmer of her face. Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body. The guy gets more and more excited until he finally approaches the nun and says, "Sister, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you. Can we get together some time?"

The nun leaves the bus in a huff.

Later as the guy is about to leave the bus himself, the bus driver asks the guy if he was the one who was bothering the nun. The guy again apologizes, explaining once again that he seldom did this sort of thing, but the bus driver says:
"No, don't apologize, I was checking her out myself. In fact, let me do you a favor. Did you see where she got off? There's a little park there, and every day she goes there to pray at the same time. Go there tomorrow, and maybe you'll get lucky!"

The guy thanks him and leaves.

Sure enough, the guy goes to the park and there's the little nun in a secluded spot by some trees. He goes off into the bushes, and comes back a few minutes later in a long white robe, a long blond wig with beard and a crown of thorns. The nun is flabbergasted, and asks what she can do for him. He says that every couple of thousand years, he likes to come back to earth to get laid. The nun says that she'd love to help him, but that she was on her period, and would the back door be OK?

He says fine, and they commence their activities.

A few minutes into it, he is suddenly overcome with a blast of guilt, and says, panting, "Sister, I have to tell you something. I'm not really Jesus, I'm actually the guy who was annoying you on the bus yesterday."

The nun says, "Oh, that's OK. In fact, I'm not really a nun. I'm actually the bus driver."