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I began dating Karl in July of 1991. My previous boyfriend and first really true love Dan, and I had broken up in May. I was still very much in love with Dan and in an effort to try to get me to forget him and move on my friends took me out dancing. I love to dance! Karl was a fair dancer but very enthusiastic. We danced several times and at the end of the night he asked me for my phone number. I do not usually go to bars and I had never given out my phone number to anyone in a bar. He seemed nice enough though so I gave him my number. I never really expected him to call me. The next day he did however call me. We went to a movie and thus began our relationship. I was still living at home with my parents and sister at the time. My parents never really said anything about Karl other than he ate alot, until after I broke up with him. My sister on the other hand and her boyfriend at the time nicknamed him "the Neanderthal"! Karl was a bodybuilder and I will admit he was not one of the most intelligent guys I had ever met but he was nice and he told me something that I thought I needed to hear at that point in my life-yes he said he loved me.
Karl and I had fun together going shopping and to movies and of course out dancing! Within about 2 weeks of our going out he started asking me to have sex with him. I told him no, we had not known each other long enough. To me there is a big difference between having sex and making love. Sex is something that happens when 2 people lust after each other. There is no love involved. Making love to me is a full commitment by 2 people who are totally head-over-heels in love with each other! It is not a casual "let's do it tonight" type of thing. It is 2 people sharing the most intimate part of their lives they can possibly share. I am sure many of you probably feel this same way. Karl did not entirely agree with me however, he did not put pressure on me, he just asked me to give it some thought.
About a month into the relationship Karl told me he wanted to take me to a place he used to go when he was in high school. He said it was a great place to have bonfires and hang out with your friends. I grew up in California. We had bonfires on the beach. I thought it would be the same, groups of people hanging out, roasting marshmellows, drinking beer and wine coolers or whatever. Having not grown up in the area I had no idea where he was talking about. Had I known I would have said no I don't want to go there. We went out dancing and when he said he was ready to leave I assumed we were going to meet some of his friends at this place. We drove to a smaller town on the outskirts of the city. I knew the town because my grandmother and my aunt lived there. We drove thru town and into a area of farming community I was not familiar with. We drove and drove. It was dark but I knew we were pretty far from the town because I was seeing fewer and fewer houses. Still I was not scared. I should have been. Finally we arrived at our destination. There was no one around. No bonfires, no people having fun. No one. I asked where his friends were and he said "What friends?" I knew then I was in trouble. I said I thought we were meeting some of friends. He laughed and said no one comes out here anymore. I asked him to please take me home. He wanted to know why. I told him I was uncomfortable being out in the middle of nowhere. He thought I meant I was afraid of wild animals or something. I asked him once again to please take me home. He told me I knew when I agreed to come out there with him that I knew what it was for. I told him I had agreed to nothing. I did not want to have sex with him, especially not in a car, out in the middle of a field! What happened next will be forever etched in my memory.
I was about to get out of the car and start walking when the sound of lock clicking shut shattered my thoughts and brought me back to reality. Karl reached over and started kissing me. I tried to pull away but he grabbed me by the hair and held me to him. I tried to scream but not a sound came from me. I was wearing my favorite dress, it was pale pink cotton knit with light lavender and blue flowers on it. It was the middle of summer so I only had on a pair of white bike tights under it. He reached under my dress and started touching me thru my bike tights. I tried move away from him but he pinned me down to the seat of the car against the door. I cried and begged him to stop but he told me it was too late for that. He jerked down my tights, lowered his pants and entered me in what seemed to be all one motion. My asthma kicked in. I kept telling him I could not breathe. He was oblivious to anything I said. I cried. I tried to move, tried to knee him, but I was powerless. He weighed almost 100 pounds more than I did. I finally gave up and just went limp. When it was over he opened my purse and found my inhaler for me. He thought I was have trouble breathing because I had gotten so excited about having sex with him! The only words I said to him were "Please take me home." He drove me straight home and tried to kiss me goodnight telling me what a good time he had that night. I went into my house. Luckily my parents were already in bed. I immediately went into the bathroom, stripped off my clothes and took a shower. I wanted to scrub away what had happened. I washed until my skin was red. I took the dress and the tights and put them in the garbage. I cried myself to sleep that night cursing myself for having been stupid enough to accompany a guy I had not known very long, to a place I was unfamiliar with. I put all of the blame on me and none on Karl. My Mom must have thought I missed the hamper because a few weeks later I found the clothes hanging in my closet, I took them to the Goodwill.
I went to work the next day as though nothing had happened. I had no visible marks so no one was any the wiser. Karl did not call for a couple of days. He showed up a few days later as I was about to go for a walk. He invited himself along on my walk. I told him I did not want to see him again. He asked me why. I was flabergasted! I started walking and he followed me trying to keep pace with me. When we reached the park near my house I stopped. I asked him to please go away and leave me alone. He still did not understand why I was upset! I told him why and he actually accused me of enjoying it! I told him to go away and leave me alone. He said he would give me some time alone to think about it. I finished my walk arriving home faster than ever. I informed my mother I had broken up with Karl and that I would be accepting any calls or visits from him. She told me she was glad I had come to my senses! I asked her why she had not said anything before and she told me she did not want to interfere in my life! Mothers!
Until now I have told only one other person what happened that night. Several people know I was raped but Carrie is the only one who knew exactly what happened to me. Not even my ex-husband knew the details. The summer after it happened I moved into the house I live in now with a roommate I did not know very well. She had been raped too. She took the guy to court though and won, if you want to call it winning. The guy got probation and community service! What good does community service do her? I was lucky in a way. I have been tested several times for AIDS and other STDs and have always tested negative. Carrie was not so lucky. She had to undergo painful surgery due to an STD she received from her assault. I still think about my assault from time to time. It is something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. About 2 years after the assault I was seeing someone I cared for very deeply. One night when we were making love I started crying and recalling the assault. I freaked out on him . He calmed me down and held me the rest of the night. To this day I have no idea why I freaked out.
LINKS ON COPING WITH SEXUAL ASSAULT
Staying Strong-a fight against sexual assault.
-Laura's page was one of my inspirations for coming to Wellesley
Rape Surviors Hope and Homepage
-A great page with lots of revelant links
An Editorial everyone should read-if you read no other link please read this one
More to come
Return to my homepage!My Life as a Robot-part 1
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