to the August 24-August 30, 1998 episode of
"As the Rose Wilts"
| Monday August 24, 1998 |
It's a sad and undeniable fact - 70's fashions are definitely making a comeback and are not likely to disappear soon enough. Everywhere you look, you can see 70's style hair, makeup, bell-bottoms, platform shoes, and other fashion atrocities that were bad enough the first time around. While these styles are pretty awful, I would like to draw particular attention to the mini-skirt. Or, more appropriately, to the widespread abuse of this fashion phenomenon, and how you can do your part to spare the world from further visual cruelty. For those who have spent the last several months under a rock (or who for reasons yet unknown to mankind, have never seen a mini-skirt), allow me to elaborate. There are currently two forms of this garment. There is the plain old, run-of-the-mill garden variety mini-skirt. This is the type that extends to about mid-thigh, and accentuates a pleasant pair of legs. Then, there is what is known as the micro-mini. This is a skirt designed to just barely cover one's rear and other unmentionables, using an extraordinarily small amount of fabric. It can usually be seen on prostitutes and on silicone-and-peroxide-enhanced blondes in cheap pornographic films. While mini-skirts may be all the rage, as with any current fashion, there are certain guidelines governing their wear and resulting effects on the unsuspecting public at large. In order to avoid committing a fashion faux-pas, it is advisable to follow the guidelines below. If you wore a mini-skirt back in the days when they were first popular, chances are you will not look quite the same in one now. Granted, there are exceptions (like Cher for example). However, unless you fall into the exception category, you run the risk of a) being propositioned on the subway, b) being arrested for soliciting, or c) looking absolutely ridiculous. It might be preferable to wear slacks or knee-length skirt instead. If your legs resemble those of the late Karen Carpenter, mini-skirts will only serve to draw attention to the skeletal structure of your kneecaps. If you don't want complete strangers asking you if you are either sick or anorexic/bulimic, my advice would be to cover up. Conversely, if your cellulite makes cottage cheese look smooth, don't even think about wearing a mini-skirt! As a plus-size woman myself, I can vouch for the fact that mini-skirts and thunder thighs do not, I repeat do not mix! There is nothing less attractive than actually seeing a woman's thighs rub together with enough friction to generate a small forest fire. I have seen it, and it is not appetizing. It is also not a very wise idea to wear either micro-minis or minis on any form of public transportation, particularly if you plan on sitting. Just imagine your barely covered posterior exposed to millions of vermin from the homeless person who slept on that seat before you, and you get my drift. I'm sure there are tons of other fashion don'ts involving mini's, but following these few simple rules will undoubtedly make the world a more visually appealing place. |
| Wednesday August 26, 1998 |
This week's Weekly World News features what can only be described as one of the most retouched photos I've ever seen on the front page. The cover story for this week is "Did Hillary Give Bill a Black Eye? First Lady hits President in face with cell phone - over Monica, sources say!" The photo is one of Bill Clinton with what appears to be black shoe polish or camouflage makeup smeared under and above his left eye, and a really cheesey looking scratch on his nose. The caption next to the photo reads Clinton wears heavy makeup to hide injury! Looks more like he's wearing heavy makeup to fake a black eye, to me! Some of the other headlines in this week's WWN are:
Busty Lady Cop Shot - By Her Bra! Apparently, she was getting dressed, and her bra strap got tangled in the trigger, and she got shot in the hand. Toenail Biting! New stress-related habit afflicts thousands of Americans! This article states that 8% of the American population is afflicted with this habit. It even offers suggestions for kicking the habit - wearing lace-up shoes to make it more difficult to get at your toes, putting athlete's foot powder on them so they don't taste so good, and painting your toenails (don't know how well that would go over in the guys' locker room, though.) Virgin Mary Tackles Teen! Some kid tried climbing the roof of a Catholic School, slipped and knocked over a 400-pound statue of the Virgin Mary, which pinned his legs under it. Space Alien Baby! UFO crash survivor is alive and well - and living at a secret New Mexico military base! Okay...supposedly this is a space alien girl, but in the picture it looks more like Yoda with a bad case of bulimia! Anyone who thinks this photo looks real, really needs to have their eyes and head examined. |
| Friday August 28, 1998 |
For a while now, I haven't suffered any major commuting horrors. However, I thought it would be a good opportunity to let folks get acquainted with some of the regular characters in my daily commute. All names have been altered or created by me, and no real names have been used.
First, there's Jessica. Jessica has Down's Syndrome, and before anyone jumps on my case for any seemingly unkind remarks I might make now or at some future point, I'll explain a bit more. First, Jessica isn't a kid anymore. She's close to me in age, and she's been working at a regular job for the past several years. She's lived in my town all her life, has been riding my bus for years, and knows better. She's also extremely rude to others on the bus, both in her words and her actions. I think very little of her rudeness and lack of manners has to do with her having Down's Syndrome, which is the only reason I make any mention at all of her. Next, there's Sour Puss. Being a woman of ample proportions myself, I more or less know which seats on the bus I'll fit in, and which ones just ain't gonna work. Not so with Sour Puss. She will squeeze that size 20 body into any available space, often squashing the person next to her to death. But Heaven Forbid that someone does the same to her! They never hear the end of it! Not only does she make no bones about stuffing herself into empty seats, she is nasty! She's the one that, if one bus doesn't show up on time, will yell and scream at the next bus driver to show up. When she talks with some of the other women on the bus, all she does is bitch and complain. Definitely not someone you want to listen to first thing in the morning. A few stops down the route, we have Mrs. Whiner. Ever see The Whiners on Saturday Night Live? Well, this is what this woman's voice sounds like. Mrs. Whiner isn't really a bad sort, and she doesn't usually even complain much. Her voice just sounds like she is. She usually sits and talks with Sour Puss, so you can imagine what my bus rides are like some mornings. That's about all I have time to write about now, but I'll be getting to the rest of them over the next few weeks, so you can see just how enjoyable my commuting often is. |
| Sunday August 30, 1998 |
Today, I went to my sister's new house to get together with the rest of my family. Of course, the center of attention was my new niece, Erica Ann. I just can't describe the feeling I get whenever I see that adorable face, or how my world lights up whenever she smiles at me. I could sit transfixed for hours, just looking at her. I also changed my first diaper today, and boy, did she make it a nice dirty one, too! The funniest part of it all was how she smiled and gurgled while I was doing it, as if she knew I had no idea what I was doing! I took a bunch of pictures (not of the dirty diaper), and I'm eagerly awaiting my pictures and diskette file copy of them, so I can e-mail them to people, and put some new ones up on her page.
I can't believe my baby sister is a mom with a husband, house, yard and dog. Where does the time go? |
Will the Alien Baby battle Gator Girl for Bat Boy's Affections? Tune in next week, for the next episode of... As the Rose Wilts |
