Then my daughter called me and said, "Mama! Granny quit breathing!" I ran back in there and that's when things really got strange. In a matter of two or three seconds, at the most, so many thoughts went through my head that should have taken a lot longer. I remember looking at her, her color had turned a pale gray, and for some reason, I lifted one of her eyelids, and when I did, I knew she was gone. I knew that she was finally where she wanted to be, and that she didn't want to come back, but then again, I had a teenage daughter standing behind me that knew that my husband and I had both been trained in CPR, and if I didn't make at least an attempt to revive her, what kind of effect would it have on her? That's just a couple of the many thoughts that were running through my head. Then suddenly, I felt my mother's hand on my shoulder like she was standing behind me, and she said to me, "You just go ahead and do whatever it is you have to do to make things right here, it'll all work out right in the end." When this happened, it didn't scare me, or even shock me, I just immediatly picked her up out of the chair, laid her on the floor, and yelled for my husband to come help me. I did all the right things, everything that I'd been taught, or so I thought, but when I started trying to give her breath, it wasn't working for some reason. My daughter had sat down on the couch and was watching us, she said, very calmly, "Mama, hold her nose." That's what I had forgotten. Later on, I asked her how she knew what to do, and she didn't even know what I was talking about, she didn't even remember saying it, and she didn't know the first thing about how to do it. We worked on her for at least 20 minutes before the ambulance got there, and they spent another 20 or 30 minutes trying to get a steady pulse before they finally decided to take her on to the hospital. I asked them if they needed me to help on the way to the hospital and they welcomed the help.

On the way there, I suddenly had a thought and started laughing, they both looked at me like I had gone off my rocker. I told them that I remembered that my mother had a friend once that had a heart attack and had died at the hospital and the doctors had brought her back, only to hear her screaming at them for bringing her back. She said that she had seen heaven, and didn't want any part of this stinking world anymore. I told them this, and said, "If my mother's seen heaven and we bring her back, I'm gettin' out of the way, cause she's gonna be highly pissed!"

When we got to the hospital, they took her into the trauma room and continued the CPR. I walked outside and sit on the steps by the ER . By that time, my husband and daughter had gotten there. We all sat outside talking and the whole time, it took everything I had in me not to run in there and make them stop. I didn't want them to bring her back. I still wanted my mother, but only for my own selfish reasons, I knew that she was where she wanted to be.

Finally, the doctor came out and told us that she'd suffered a massive heart attack and that it was obvious that there was going to be so much damage done to the heart muscle that there was almost no hope. I told him about her living will, and he said that even though we had started the CPR when she had quit breathing and it had not been stopped since, they had not been able to get her heart to beat on it's own at all, and he didn't think that they would be able to. He said that they would try for a few minutes longer and then they would quit. Well, a few minutes later, he walked back outside and said that they had managed to get it to beat on it's own but normally it wouldn't last long. My heart actually sank. I felt like they were forcing my mother to come back to a place that she was fighting to get away from. He told me that if it did quit again, and he was pretty sure that it would, the he would go ahead and let her go. He walked back inside and must have just turned around and walked right back out and told us that she was gone.

A friend of mine that works in the ER came out and asked me if I wanted to go spend some time with her. I told her no, I'd already said my goodbyes.

Later on that evening, I started having pains in my lower belly, and I remembered that I had just had surgury three weeks earlier, a complete hysterectomy, and was still under my doctors orders not to lift anything over five pounds. Of course I didn't think about this at the time, and even if I had, I would have done the same thing. But because of that I stayed on some pretty strong pain pills for the next week, and was pretty much out of it mentally. Later on, after the funeral, I began to have a lot of guilt feelings about the way I was feeling when my mother died. Even though she and I had never gotten really close until almost the end, I'd always loved her, and felt like maybe there was something I could have done that would have made things better between us. I also felt guilty for feeling happy for her on the day that she died.

One day I was at home alone and was really feeling depressed. I guess I was getting, or had gotten to the point where I was actually able to grieve for my mother. I was hurting so bad inside, I didn't really know if I could explain to anyone how I was feeling, I didn't know if anyone would even understand what I would try and explain. I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my entire life.

All of a sudden I could smell my mother. I know that sounds strange, I guess if I had to try and explain it, it would be almost like some primal instinct, like any other animal, how they know their own family's scent, because my mother never used perfume or any lotions that had any scent, her allergies wouldn't let her. Actually, I don't recall or remember a particular scent belonging to my mother, at least I didn't until that day. But I knew she was there, and all of the guilty feelings and the pain left me. I felt better about everything.

Every now and then, when things start to really bother be a lot, or start getting really depressed, she comes back. I'll catch a whiff of her and it always eases my mind. I know she'll always be there for me, and one day, wherever it is we go, or whatever it is we do when we leave this place we now call home, we'll finally have a chance to catch up on all the years that we missed out on.

One of the most helpful books that I've ever read in my life was "Embraced By The Light", by Betty J. Eady. I've read it dozens of times. In fact, I was so moved by her book, I bought at least 30 copies and gave them to everyone I knew. I wanted to share it with everyone.
I've just recently found her website,EmbracedByTheLight.com. I really think everyone in the world should read this book.