I was sitting at home the next morning after leaving work for the last time, and I was thinking to myself " Okay, now what?". I had worked hard over the previous 4 years and had made quite a name for myself at the company I worked for but now here I was unable to continue my mission of becoming the best I could be. (Wow! Army flashback and I wasn't even in the Army) That mission of making good on my life has always been very important to me, and now I felt like a failure unable to fulfill that mission. I also felt that I had let my parents down again, after I had already hit them with being gay, plus HIV positive. I wanted so badly to prove to everyone, including my parents, and myself, that I could be gay, HIV positive, and still be successful. I WAS A FAILURE!!!
Well now what was I supposed to do? I had taken care of all the necessary paper work such as, filing for Social Security Disability, closing my 401K plan from work, filing for my Executive Long Term Disability (LTD) benefits from my company, and so on. I had one last paycheck coming from work, which would also include my vacation pay. I also had a little money in the bank. Would I be able to pay my bills, buy food etc.? Until my LTD started, which wouldn't start until March or April, and Social Security probably would not be approved until June, my outlook on the money horizon looked pretty sparse! When and if these benefits started to pay I would be making half of what I was used to making when I was working! Times where going to be rough!!!
March saw the money crisis coming to a head. I had started to receive my LTD from work which helped a little, but was still not enough to survive on, and my life partner could not continue to pay for all of the bills, since he was also on Social Security Disability. I finally had to apply for Food Stamps. I never thought I would have to ask for Welfare and this was a very embarrassing moment in my life, but we had to eat! My pride was at a low point, all because of this stupid disease. April and May brought more embarrassment when I had to ask The Salvation Army help pay my rent one month, and a local AIDS service organization ended up paying my rent and electric bill in May. Towards the end of May my resources had run out and I was not sure we would have a place to live come the first of June. My Award letter from Social Security arrived about a week and a half before the fist of June. Yeah! I would be able to pay my bills! Things were looking brighter!!!
My life partner at this time was doing okay. My T-cells had begun to rise, but were not stable, so my Doctor suggested that I start using AZT. I was already taking Bactrim to help prevent me from getting PCP Pneumonia, and Diflucan to keep my oral thrush under control. My Doctor was hoping that the AZT, which at that time was the only drug approved for fighting HIV, would help stabilize my T-cell counts. Well after 4 weeks of taking AZT I thought I was going to die. I had severe headaches, nausea, and diarrhea. I told my Doctor that if I had to feel this bad just to make myself better than I did not think this was worth the trouble and so I stopped the AZT. Once again, just a small problem to deal with in this on going battle. No problem!
In July, after the money matters settled, I became restless I needed something to do with my time. I asked the Doctor if I could volunteer at a local AIDS Service Agency answering the phone for them. I reassured him I would only be working 4 hours a week. He said okay! Wow, I had a new goal. The volunteer work made me feel needed again. I did not have time to sit around and wait for this disease to kill me. I just would not sit there and allow this to happen! July through December went by with no major problems, except for some onsets of bronchitis, and a few out breaks of shingles. These were just more problems to overcome. I can do this! The virus had other ideas, because in January 1992 I ended up in the hospital for two weeks from an intestinal hemorrhage and dehydration. To make matters worse my life partner had started acting strange. He thought I was going to leave him. I did not realize that this was the beginning of his downward travel and the beginning of his final struggle with this dreadful disease.
The next two years will be the hardest for me to write about as the story enters into the realms of Dementia, Depression, and even a trip to Hawaii all playing important parts in this saga!
