Garage sale...trash...storage. Garage sale...trash...storage. I just kept repeating these words to myself as I filtered through the myriad of items that my partner and I had collected over 7 years and had put together to make up our home. Everything had a meaning or a purpose. A purpose that is, up until he died. Suddenly almost none of it meant anything to me! Several items such as his artwork, which he painted himself, we had already made plans for as far as distributing certain works to certain people. What furniture we had I either sold or donated to some one. I literally cleaned house!
My mother helped me look for a new place to live. The old place had too many memories for me at the time and all I could do think was "I needed to get away!”. Our home of 7 years had become a tomb of darkness and I found myself constantly in a state of being comfortably numb. After looking at several places, that mom decided were unacceptable, I decided on a small complex that provided me with the security I was searching for and also the newness of some place that I could try to re-build my life. I moved into my new place with our two cats and one small truckload of things that I had kept from the past 7 years. I sat for a long time on the hardwood floors of my new apartment and listened to the silence. I decided that this would never do. I needed to pick myself up and get on with my life; my partner would have wanted that. So I did just that. I called my mom and said lets go shopping!
Where to begin, well first I needed furniture since I had sold everything that my late partner and I had previously owned. So off to furniture store I went. My late partner had left me some insurance money so I would be able to rebuild my life and also take care of any past debts we had still outstanding. Well the bills had been paid so time to start rebuilding. Everything we had owned previously seemed to me to be dark and gloomy towards the end, so I decided that I would buy what I would call bright happy furniture. I ended up buying a new couch and chair some tables, a dining room set and a bed. Delivery of my new beginnings would be in a week. I went back to my new apartment sat down on the hardwood floor and smiled, but why?
The furniture was delivered and next up I need to find a new means of transportation. The car owned by my partner would have to go back to the finance company soon. I called my dad and said let's go buy me a car. He said ok and we did. My late partner and I had discussed the issue of a new car on numerous occasions. He always told me that if something were to happen to him first he wanted me to be good to myself and get the things I really wanted. So, I bought my Miata and I think of my late partner every time I get into the car now. It's a good memory!
I had lost a considerable amount of weight towards the end of taking care of my partner so much that none of my clothes fit me very well. Time for some new clothes! Retail therapy is great when you feel depressed. Mom joined me once again. I was actually glad because at that moment she was the only one I felt that I could talk to at the time, and I'm grateful that she was/still is there. The new clothes felt and looked great, but something was missing and my depression seemed to be growing. I know I would take a vacation to sort out my thoughts. I called our dearest friend, who lives in Boston, and made arrangements to visit him for a few weeks. Some how I would figure this out!
