• First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
• Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
• I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
• Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
• My ears are NOT handles.
• Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT me to puke on your dick?
• I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
• Get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit, so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
• Might have worked for you on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
• Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
• If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
• No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
• No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
• When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

The Rules of Bedroom Golf

• Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
• Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
• Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
• For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
• Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
• The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
• It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
• Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
• Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
• Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
• Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
• The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
• Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
• Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request. (Course time is Four to Five Hours)
• It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

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