The Chemical Properties of Men & Women

Old as the net ;) but still funny:

Men

SYMBOL: Ego

DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs.

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 170 lbs, known to vary from 98 to 360 lbs.

OCCURRENCE:
Large quantities in all populated areas. Highly concentrated deposits at all sporting events and areas known as "singles bars". Extremely low quantities can be found in any location where cleaning up is required.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

• Surface often covered with hair--bristly in some areas, soft in others.


• Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense.


• Melts if treated like a God.


• Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.


• Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.


• Becomes stubborn and unyielding when pressure is applied; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

• Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious and semi-precious metals and stones. However, is attracted to small quantities of these when viewed worn against the skin of a woman. It is believed woman's skin combines with the aforementioned to create a highly magnetic attraction for this element.


• May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened.


• Requires copious quantities of substances known as attention, reassurance, and stroking.


• When saturated with Alcohol will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.


• Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.


• Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.


• Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.


• Is impervious to embarrassment.


• Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to woman.

Women

Symbol : Wo

Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.

Discoverer : Adam

Occurrence :
Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties :

• Surface usually covered with painted film.


• Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.


• Melts if given special treatment.


• Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!


• Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.


• Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties :

• Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.


• Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.


• May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.


• Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point.


• Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.


• Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses :

• Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.


• Can greatly improve relaxation levels.


• Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.


• Can cool things down when it's too hot.


• Useful for general cleaning, scrubbing, washing, rubbing, etc.

Tests :

• Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.


• Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution :

• Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.


• Illegal to possess more than one.

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