Xellos had to restrain himself when a high pitched scream of torture
and torment shattered the silence of the surrounding forest. Birds took
off in fright, small animals scurried in much the same fashion and any
sentient member of the forest's population had to cover their ears and
restrain themselves from screaming as well. Maa, except for Xellos, it
was growing harder and harder to keep from laughing in pure elation.
Undersized. Short-tempered. (well, that was true) Ugly. Evil. (in a sense that was as well) Dragon-basher. Dragon-nester. Bandit-killer. Brainless. Breast-less?!
DRAGON SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVVE!!!!
Xellos didn't resist the sigh that emitted his lips. Fear had a wonderful bouquet, especially when that fear was for one's life. Pretty soon the insulting bandits had been blown out of range and Xellos was left with his usual banquet; indignation and exasperation. The former from Lina Inverse, and the latter from Zelgadis Graywords.
Lina herself was a banquet of emotions. In the span of a few minutes she had gone from happy (which was an ok appetizer, but not what Xellos prefured) to confident (overly so) to angry to infuriated to something that tasted good but he had no word for. All from a few simple words. At least Xellos knew what to do if he was ever starving to death.
He hugged his staff closer to his side and leaned forward on his branch to observe Lina still fuming and Zelgadis trying unsuccessfully to calm her down with his own brand of cut-downs.
" Shut Up Zel!! FIREBALL!! "
" Lina that was uncalled for! "
" I Don't Care! FIREBALL!! "
Xellos grinned. For some reason he rather liked seeing Zelgadis getting fireballed repeatedly. Not that Zelgadis wouldn't mind if Xellos got the same. The lavandar-haired Chimera seemed to really dislike him. Pity: for Zelgadis that is. The more he disliked Xellos the happier Xellos got, and the more angry Zelgadis got, and as a result of that Xellos just got happier. It was a vicious cycle, but it worked.
" FIREBALL!! "
" Lina! What did I do?! " That was Gourry. He wasn't much fun. It's hard to have emotions when you haven't a thought in your head to speak of. Xellos didn't get Gourry, so Gourry was often ignored.
" You Got In The Way!! "
" Lina! What you are doing is-- " Amelia broke off into a shrill scream as she too faced Lina's wrath in the form of a,
" FIREBALL!! "
" Lina! "
" I Said Shut Up, Zelgadis! He Called Me Breast-LESS!! How DARE He!! Argh! EXPLOSION ARRAY!!! "
" LI-NAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.............................. " That was all three of her companions, disappearing into the foliage several meters away.
Tsk. Tsk. Temper, temper. But Xellos didn't care.
" TAG! "
Tag? He'd never heard that spell before.
Suddenly a force like a tonne of bricks hit him in the back and sent
him plummeting to the ground below him. Xellos hit with a massive wham
and lay there on his face for a moment pondering this. How had someone
managed to sneak up behind him?
A sugary tittering sounded above him and Xellos began to pick himself
up. Another strong force hit him in the back of the head and Xellos went
sprawling.
Well. Now Xellos was irritated. Waiting half a moment, he spun around
and sent his attacker flying with his staff. A high-pitched scream sounded,
but was drowned out by yet another, " FIREBALL!! " and another, " Lina!
" to follow that.
When Xellos got up, if he had bothered to open his eyes, he would have
blinked.
There by the tree he'd fallen out of, or rather, been knocked out of, sat a little green-haired fairy... thing. She was curled up, with her hair covering much of her, and she was bawling her pretty little eyes out.
Funny. She was crying, but Xellos couldn't taste a bit of it.
" You Hit A Girl! " she wailed. " You're mean! I don't like you! "
Xellos stood up, tilted his head to the side and inquired. " Are you a Mazoku? "
" Nani?! " She stood up and glared at him with vibrant red eyes. " How dare you! I don't believe this. " Suddenly she giggled. " But you are, aren't you? " Another giggle and in a flicker her eyes were an opaque amber colour. Xellos was somewhat confused. He'd never encountered something like this and that was a feat. The fairy thing extended a hand towards him and a slight wind stirred her hair, revealing her lack of apparel. Xellos felt the beginnings of a nosebleed and was further befuddled. He didn't think of women that way. The fairy thing smiled and Xellos felt tingly all over. Then it ended, and the fairy thing disappeared.
Xellos looked around. Hm, curious. It didn't appear that the naked little fairy thing's magic had done anything to him. Ah well, it was time the rejoin the group--
" FIREBALL!! "
-- (he winced) and play the peace maker.
[You know, I really should give that little fairy thing a name, shouldn't I?]
Hours later, Lina had decided to drown her fury in food. Just as Gourry and Amelia had decided to dull their pain the same way. Zelgadis stewed over a cup of coffee. Xellos merely sat.
" Lina, " he interceded eventually, " slow down or you'll choke to death.
" He could only hope, but it was fun to say so.
Lina gave him the evil eye. Xellos chuckled and sweatdropped. " Never
mind. "
A sound sliced the air. An piercing, tormenting, utterly unholy sound in the form of a shrill, " OOHOHOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!! "
Everyone but for Xellos and Amelia cringed. Though it could be debated that Gourry only cringed because he'd just eaten a mouthful of Lina's hair that had spilled onto the table in her vie for food.
From across the restaurant the evil continued, " You call this a five course meal? Why, this is merely an appetizer. Definitely not suitable for Naga The WHITE SERPENT!!! OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!! "
Meekly the waitress pleaded. " Please, I'll get you whatever else you want on the house. Just stop laughing. "
" Fine then. I want one of everything on the menu and fifteen bottles of your best champagne... and a beer. OOHHOHOHOHOHOHOH!! "
" I'm going! I'm going! " the waitress scurried away.
Amelia stood on her chair and opened her arms wide. " SISTER!! "
" Why the hell did Naga have to be here? " Lina muttered.
Xellos merely watched on in amusement.
" Amelia? " Naga asked. She traipsed over and peered at the group. "
Well! " she greeted with a wide, feline grin, " How nice to see you again!
OHOHOHOHOHO! Lina! It's been ages! You have a new friend! "
[As I haven't a clue when this is going on, I'm just going to
treat it like a DBZ movie. As in it has absolutely no place in the series'
timeline.]
Naga peered intently at the smiling Xellos and inquired. " Just who are you? "
" The better question would be what he is, " Zelgadis growled.
Naga blinked at him. " Okay. What are you? " She leaned in towards Xellos.
Xellos grinned. " Sore wa himitsu dewa arimasen. "
[Sore wa himitsu dewa arimasen = That is not a secret]
Everyone at the table stared, except for Naga, who laughed again and offered, " Well? "
It was only after Xellos answered, in a perfectly nonchalant tone, "
Mazoku, " that he himself realized something was wrong.
Gourry punctuated the moment by hacking up an orange hairball to fill
the following silence. Lina's jaw hit the table at that, spurred into motion.
Though whether it be from the ball of her hair or Xellos' blatant honesty
has yet to be determined. Zelgadis choked. Amelia fell off her chair with
a thump at her sister's feet. Naga response was a mere, well timed,
" OOOOOOOOOOOHHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! "
Once Xellos had regained his senses, he politely excused himself and headed for the door.
" Where are you going? " Amelia asked innocently. Oh, but it wasn't that innocent. He could feel that manic childish glee she felt in taking advantage of his sudden honesty.
Xellos turned and smiled, a massive sweatdrop standing out on his head. " Oh, just off to the forest to try and find and possibly maim and/or kill a naked, green-haired fairy thing, I haven't decided her untimely fate just yet. " As you can tell, Xellos had given up on trying to say it was a secret. So far Amelia had wrangled out of him his true age, why he hardly opened his eyes and why he smiled so much. All while in a daze from that sorceress' laugh.
Xellos would have found this annoying, if he were Zelgadis. Right now he was finding this mildly amusing.
Speaking of Zelgadis.
The chimera spewed his coffee all over Amelia (nicely distracting Xellos' tormentor) and turned accusingly towards Xellos. " What did you just say? "
Deciding to leave pondering Zelgadis' emotional reaction for later, Xellos simply and serenely stated, " Really, Zelkun, must I repeat myself? "
Were Zelgadis a volcano, he might have erupted then. But, as he's only a pile of stones in the form of a man (my, thought Xellos to himself, that was a rather unpleasant and perhaps insulting way of putting it) he (hm, now where was he?) Anyway. Zelgadis did not erupt. He did, however, stand up and eye Xellos shrewdly.
" Little fairy thing, " the Chimera sorcerer inquired, " with long green hair and colour changing eyes? Giggles a lot? When you notice she's naked you get a nosebleed-- "
" ZEL?!?!?!? " Amelia cried in shock and despair. The others just stared on in a loss for words. There were many blinks, though.
Zelgadis looked insulted as he finished, " -- even though you're not attracted in the least? "
Xellos grinned, " My, Zelkun, I'd almost say you know this girl! "
Understatement Of The Year Award then went to Xellos. After a moment of 'oh! you shouldn't have's and a long, drawn-out acceptance speech and a nicely choreographed musical number in which Xellos was proven to have a surprisingly nice singing voice... for a Mazoku... things got back to... well... normal.
Having sat in the back fuming through the whole thing, Zelgadis stood up and answered the question that was now a moot point, " Yes, I met her some time ago when Lina was searching for that fairy treasure. "
" I remember that, " Lina mused. " but only vaguely. Somehow I ended up in your room with a scary chimera like fairy thing wearing a nightgown. I recall that you had no clothes cause she'd apparently stolen them. Not something I'd like to see again, even though you had a pretty nice bod, there, Zel! "
" Lina! " exclaimed Zelgadis approximately 0.001 seconds before turning red.
" My, my, " stated Xellos, his award perched atop his head in a mundanely comical manner, " Such fun I missed. But it appears your friend has returned. Will you be accompanying me to kill her then, Zelkun? "
Amelia sputtered a moment before declaring. " You're not going to kill
anybody! That's unjust! I shall come with to confront this person who is
not only disrupting the peace with her lack of apparel, but bothering peoples
in... other manners. "
Lina cracked her knuckles. " I wouldn't mind another shot at blasting
her. I did last time and I can't quite remember why. "
Unfortunately, Zelgadis hadn't been able to forget.
" If Lina goes, then I go too! Can't have her going off on some adventure without her greatest and most dangerous rival! OHHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!! " You can probably guess who that was. If you can't, you need to watch that OAV episode with the kopii Nagas.
" Oh! " Xellos exclaimed. " Such friends I have! Group hug! "
Only Amelia came.
Sometime later, while trouping into the forest, Amelia decided it was time for the ultimate question. One that would be all for justice and the well being of Sailoon! One that was going to solve a long-standing mystery!
" Xellossan, " she chirruped, laying on the syrup until it reached unnatural levels even for her. " Whhoooo do you woooork fooorrr? "
" Ah! " said Xellos, " Sore wa himitsu desu! "
The entire group but for Xellos fell over.
A sudden giggling wafted out of the leaves. A sugary, syrupy, overly sweet, though in a way threatening and malicious simply because it was not obviously as such, um, laugh that did it's intended job quite nicely until,
" OOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO-ahem-HO!! " All the group members fell over, though it was obvious that Xellos did only for the fun of it. Naga continued. " You call THAT a menacing laugh?! oh-ho-ho. I scoff at that pathetic little menacing laugh. I LAUGH at that pathetic little menacing laugh. "
" No, please, " pleaded Gourry, to no avail.
" OOOOOOOOOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!! " breath in " HOHO HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!! " breath in. choke. collapse.
Kneeling on the ground, the group of companions stared at the unconscious Naga in disbelief. Then they all, as a group, looked to the cause.
" Zelchan, your friends are mean! " the fairy thing declared.
" Hullo, " Xellos stood and approached her.
Zelgadis could have said, " Watch out Xellos! " but for some strange reason opted not to.
The fairy thing giggled and slapped Xellos on the shoulder so hard he fell over. " You're a funny little man! " she declared. " But I still don't like you! "
" How unfortunate, " said Xellos into the dirt. He stood up and brushed dirt off his priest robes and smiled at the fairy thing, who was again hanging upside down.
Blood ran freely from the noses of Gourry, Zelgadis, and not Xellos.
Lina smacked Gourry to his senses. Zelgadis managed to keep his wits and
was able to keep Amelia from breaking her hand into a million little Amelia-hand-bits
trying to do the same.
Xellos chuckled a bit and opened his opaque violet eyes. (I almost
typed Violent there, which I suppose still works in a sense) " Your reactive
spells won't work on me anymore. However, " he tapped his staff against
the ground, " that's a nice little spell you cast earlier on me. You've
had your fun. Now you can lift it. "
Throughout all this, the perverted-naked-little-annoying-fairy-thing (as Zelgadis so fondly called her) had held her little chin cupped in her little hand, her eyes a misty blue of happiness. At the end of Xellos' politeness, she had responded quite rudely. " No. "
With which Xellos was fine. " Spells like this die with she who hath cast them. "
" Hath? " Lina inquired.
Xellos closed his eyes and turned to walk back towards his companions. Raising one finger into the air to mark his point, he said, " Linachan, a Dragon Slave would be required, I believe. "
Lina stood. " Will do! "
" Gak! " The fairy thing protested. For some reason, though, she couldn't speak.
Xellos grinned as Lina began to chant. I don't know the chant because
I'm a terrible Slayers fan with a terrible memory and I'm not worth the
weight of my Slayers fanfiction so I'll just say that Lina chanted, ending
it off with a loud, " DRAGON SLAVE!! "
This time the fairy merely screamed as she plummeted towards the horizon.
Zelgadis eyed the trickster priest. " You made it so that she couldn't protest, didn't you? In fact, you were never under that spell, were you? "
" Ah, Zelkun, " answered a far too satisfied Xellos, " Sore wa himitsu desu! "
" Anooooo... " groaned Amelia.
Naga the White Serpent chose that moment to awaken and look around. " Wha-- What happened? " she wondered aloud, sitting in the middle of the path.
Before anyone could answer, Xellos explained, " You defeated the fairy thing, very nicely done, Miss White Serpent. I commend you! "
Well. The others were so pleased with him for that.
" I did? " Naga questioned. Then stood. " Of COURSE I did! I'm the greatest sorceress who ever lived! Naga The WHITE SERPENT!! OOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!! "
" Why'd you go and do that, Xellos? " Lina inquired with no small measure of displeasure.
" Ah, Linachan, " Xellos replied, " Who am I to burst such an impressively large ego bubble? The other reason, of course, is the simple matter of the fact that I could! "
To this, Lina's response, was a spectacular, " FIREBALL! "
" Well said! " exclaimed a blackened Xellos.
[Written by Inseiko, who spent the majority of the writing of this story in a tylenol induced high. Verrry effective in writing Slayers fanfiction, 2000]