Zelgadis Graywords was not in the best of moods. But then again,
he rarely was. Things were at a high point for his bad mood at the moment,
simply because Lina Inverse, that infamous destroyer of cities (and meals)
was concocting another of her harebrained schemes. If only to make things
worse, this latest in a long line of harebrained schemes, the very definition
of harebrained he might add, again involved his... cross-dressing!!
Zelgadis cursed in a number of languages and sat himself down beneath a large tree. He was not going to cross-dress, nor was he going to dress up as a bunny-rabbit, nor like a barmaid, nor like Gourry, nor was he going to act like Amelia's suitor. He was Zelgadis Graywords, he was the greatest magician in the land... and someone was laughing at him.
In retrospect, it was more of a giggling, but it was definitely there. Right above him, in the tree, came the sugary tittering of a high-pitched voice. Zelgadis glared upward balefully, and demanded, " Whoever is up there, come down here now. "
The giggling continued, Zelgadis' command was ignored.
His temper burned. He hated being disobeyed. Standing, he peered into the leaves and demanded again, " Come down here now. "
" Okay! " the high pitched voice agreed from behind him, then resumed giggling.
Zelgadis spun around and drew his sword in the same motion. He swiped at the owner of the voice, only to find she was gone. He clutched his sword and glared around him. The giggling returned, right at his ear, and Zelgadis swung again. Again his sword sliced nothing, and a weight formed on his shoulder. Zelgadis became suddenly aware of a pair of slim legs pressing against his right cheek, and a hand caressing his left. Zelgadis stiffened. If there was one thing he hated moreso than women, it was women touching him.
He looked up, still glaring, at the young woman sitting on his right shoulder. She had long wavy, pale green hair that cascaded down her back nearly to the ground, despite the fact that she was sitting on him. Poking through her hair were two translucent fairy wings, reminiscent of those of a dragonfly. Her skin was pale, and her eyes a vibrant... well, the colour flickered between blue and lavender, so he couldn't really say. She smiled impishly at him, and giggled again. This time the giggle became outright laughter, worse than that of Naga's, if you can imagine, and Zelgadis cringed.
" You're a funny little man! " she declared and gripped his stony face.
" Get off me. "
She laughed again, and Zelgadis resolved to kill her by slitting her throat. Yes, slitting her throat, and then cutting off her nose. Then even in death she wouldn't be able to make that horrid sound. The thought filled him with an almost manic laughter.
" Hey, Zel! C'mon! I've got it all worked out and we've gotta get you fitted! " called Lina's voice from somewhere in the general direction of whence he'd came. Zelgadis cringed. How he'd ever ended up with such a colossal idiot as Lina Inverse he'd never know. It was his curse in life, along with this little fairy girl on his shoulder that just wouldn't go away!
Zelgadis brought his sword up and stabbed at the fairy. She was gone, and he ended up stabbing his own shoulder. He face vaulted and grasped the shoulder in pain.
" Now, that wasn't very nice, " the little fairy thing proclaimed, floating upside down before him. Her hair had all fallen away, and Zelgadis noted to his dismay that she wasn't wearing anything. A slight flush rose to his face, and he felt the prick of a nosebleed in his nose.
The fairy cupped her delicate chin in a delicate hand and mused, " and just when I was about to offer to make all your problems go away! "
Zelgadis eyed her suspiciously. It was tempting, but nothing like that came without a price. " At what cost? " he asked.
The fairy thing laughed again, and appeared, right side up thankfully, a short distance away. She leaned forward, so close to Zelgadis that he was further made uncomfortable, and informed him, " the only price I have for you, my dear chimera, is that you agree to do a favor for me in the future. " Somewhere along the lines, the fairy's eyes had turned to a mischievous amber.
Zelgadis was now really suspicious. " What kind of a favor? "
" Whatever tickles my fancy! " the fairy declared, laughing again. " You're so cute! I love you! I'd never do anything too bad to you! Honestly, you chimera are sooo suspicious! "
Zelgadis regarded her skeptically. " Ano... "
" I'll take that as a yes! " she extended her arms towards him, " Come, let me clutch you to my bosom! "
Before Zelgadis could say or do anything to the contrary, the fairy had sealed the deal (and his fate) and clutched his face to her bare chest.
Moments later, after detangling himself from the fairy thing and finding there was no way out of the contrived little deal, he trudged his way back towards camp. Thinking about it, having all his problems solved for one little favor wasn't so bad. Really, what could a naked little fairy thing want from him? Clothes?
Still, he entered camp fully prepared to argue with Lina over what dress he was going to wear. Fairy or not, no one could control Lina Inverse.
" Oh, Zel-chan! " Lina greeted. 'Zel-chan?' " I'm so glad you're back!
Gourry and Amelia are all ready, let's get a move on! "
Zelgadis looked at Gourry and shuddered. The swordsman was all decked
out in a scant red dress (somewhere along the lines Lina had also grown
him a chest) with several red roses in his curled blonde hair, and red
spike heels with roses on them as well. Cuddled in his arms, was Amelia
in a cat costume. The magician's shoulder's slumped.
" Okay, Lina, what have you got planned for me? "
She looked at him cluelessly. " Planned? "
" Hai, " Zelgadis sighed, " What am I supposed to dress up in? "
Lina Inverse laughed then, pleasantly he might add, then she said the words that were music to Zelgadis Graywords' ears; " Oh, Zel-chan, why would I make you dress up? Now come along, let's go and get that treasure I heard about! "
Zelgadis thanked the fairy thing silently for awhile, then walked along with the other three in much better spirits. The Zel-chan thing didn't bother him so much, nor did he give it a second thought when Lina latched onto his arm. Life was good, why make it worse?
Later that night, a new mystery had entered Zelgadis' mind. The town was perfectly normal, where Lina had caught the scent of treasure, it was... normal. It was pleasant, but odd. Nothing around Lina was ever normal. Rolling over onto his side, he looked out the window of his hotel room into the moonlight and smiled. Must be the fairy's work. How nice. He could grow to like this.
Then the door creaked open.
Zelgadis rolled over in bed and sat up with a jolt. How dare someone enter his room unbidden! It was unheard of, it was preposterous, it was...
" Lina?! " he shouted angrily.
Lina Inverse stood at the side of his bed, wearing a loose fitting nightgown that was awfully see-through. Zelgadis found himself observing her closely, really her lack of a chest hadn't made her any less of a beauty. Lina was rather beautiful, now that he thought about it. Zelgadis looked at the sorceress with wide eyes, why was he thinking about it? This was absurd. Why was Lina in his room in the middle of the night?
" Zel-chan, " she said softly, breathlessly.
Zel-chan. The absurdity of that name hit him again. Zel-chan? Zel-chan?! What the hell was that fairy thing doing with Lina?
Lina crawled onto the bed, she positioned herself overtop of Zelgadis and pushed him down onto the pillow. Running her fingers up his chest to his chin, she said that absurd adaptation of his name once more and kissed him on the lips.
A shock ran through Zelgadis' body and he escaped the bed and Lina to stand with his back plastered against the window. It was then he noticed his clothes had somewhere along the line disappeared and he turned, closed the curtains, and turned back. Breathing hard, Zelgadis observed Lina, the bed, his nudity, and wondered just how this was solving all his problems.
Lina reached out an inquisitive hand and pouted, " Zel-chan, come back to bed. " Her eyelids lowered seductively and she gazed at him from beneath eyelashes, " I want you. "
It was then that Zelgadis did the only thing any sane man would do in his situation. He screamed.
" You called? " the voice of the fairy thing answered.
Lina froze in place, all sound stopped and Zelgadis felt the indistinct feeling of magic in the air. Turning, he covered himself and stared at the fairy thing. Indignity rose within him as he observed her draped in his missing clothes.
She tilted her head to the side and inquired sweetly, " Is there a problem? "
Zelgadis was horrified to find himself sputtering, " Yes there's a problem! Dammit! What have you done to Lina?! "
The fairy regarded Lina cluelessly. " I solved your problems. Lina Inverse will trouble you no longer, nor me for that matter, " the fairy looked back at Zelgadis, " she'll be too busy making you happy. "
Zelgadis felt his jaw drop. " Happy? " he repeated, " Happy?! I don't want Lina to make me happy this way! Dammit! She couldn't really if either of us really wanted that! I'm a chimera! I'm stone! " Simply out of being accustomed to hand gestures, Zelgadis placed his hands on his chest and found his last two statements to be incorrect.
" Stone, yes, that would hurt, " the fairy commented.
Zelgadis stared at his hands, the skin covering them, then brought them up to feel the skin on his face. No... no... he felt his power slipping from him. This was humiliating, here he was standing here naked, fully human again, with Lina sitting frozen on his bed wanting to sleep with him and some stupid little fairy thing standing before him in his clothes looking very... different from the way she'd looked in the forest.
In fact, it was frighteningly different.
A rush of magic encompassed the fairy thing in smoke, she burst forward from it, towards Zelgadis, and it formed stone in replacement of her skin. The fairy wings compounded with the smoke, becoming large dragon wings, and her eyes turned to a vibrant red. As the smoke dissipated Zelgadis could feel his magic was completely gone, and watched in horror as fire then surrounded what had been the sweet little fairy thing. He then realized that she was stealing Lina's magic as well.
Zelgadis took two running steps towards Lina and slapped her across the face. " Lina! " he cried. No response, she was still frozen. Slapping her harder he hollered, " LINA!! "
The demoness that had been the fairy thing laughed again and declared, " You are a funny little man! I gave you everything you could possibly want, I solved all your problems in life. Now all Lina Inverse thinks about is you, not my treasure, not using magic. Which is good because in a few moments I'll have all of her magic. " She laughed again.
" What about the favor? " Zelgadis asked.
" You've already served that purpose, " the demoness responded. " Thank you for the chimera magic, " she giggled darkly, " Zel-chan. "
Zel-chan!
Zelgadis turned back to Lina and slapped her again, even harder than before.
Suddenly Lina blinked her wide eyes and finally seemed to register. " Zel-chan? " she asked. Zelgadis groaned, it wasn't the Lina he wanted in a situation like this. He prepared to slap her again. Then Lina furrowed her brow. " Zel-chan? What the-- " She looked at him closer, " Zelgadis? What happened to your face? " Her eyes trailed downwards, and she blushed, " and... you're clothes? " Purposefully looking away, Lina caught sight of the demoness and added, " What the hell is going on here?! "
The demoness looked taken aback. " How? " she asked, her now red painted lips pouting, " How did you break my spell? "
" Spell? On me? " Lina laughed raucously. " No one can keep me under control. I am the great Lina Inverse! Destroyer of monsters, collector of treasures, " stars, glitter, and flowers appeared around Lina, " beautiful sorceress supreme! "
" No! " the demoness shouted, she pointed to Zelgadis, " You! I set the spell to grant everything you desired! "
Everything he desired? Zelgadis didn't want to have sex with Lina! He fumed at the demoness wordlessly. She giggled, giving some clue back to the way she had been in the forest.
" Okay, " she asceeded, " So I made your desires a little better, a little more interesting. Really, a child between you and her would have been pretty powerful. " She gasped. " I could have used that as my favor! Yeah! Taken away your chimera magic for a night so that things would turn out, you know. Then taken the child and raised it as my own! " She clasped hands and sighed, " That would have been sooo kawaii! "
" Huh? " Lina inputted. She turned for help, " Zel? What's she talkin' 'bout? "
Zelgadis offered no answer. It was only a matter of time before Lina
caught on. She was, afterall, in Zelgadis' room, in a flimsy little nightgown
(that was slipping) and some demoness was rambling on about a child and
taking away Zelgadis' chimera magic.
Lina began to fume. The demoness began to laugh again, which only made
Lina madder. No one laughed at her in some lame attempt at a Naga knock
off! No one ya' hear me?!
Lina began to chant, calling on a spell that suddenly gave Zelgadis an incredible urge to get out of that room, fast! He jumped over the bed, opened the door, and ran right into a still-dressed-in-drag Gourry. Amelia poked her head around Gourry and giggled.
" Zel! " she managed, before the giggles overtook her and she thankfully said no more.
Meanwhile, the slow to wit Gourry was examining the situation. There was a stone-covered chimera-like demoness, about to be blasted by Lina by the looks of things. Lina was in a skimpy nightgown, and Zelgadis was, ahem, clothing exempt. It looked like the demoness had interrupted Zelgadis and Lina. Gourry's bottom lip stuck out, he'd kinda noticed Lina acting weird around Zelgadis lately but... That lip began to quiver, and tears left streaks of mascara on Gourry's cheeks. The swordsman took off in a mass of tears and blubbering, leaving Zelgadis with Amelia, (Who was still giggling) a very pissed off Lina about to show just how she'd gotten her destructive reputation, and the demoness that had so humiliated him.
Finally Lina concluded her chanting and screamed, " DRAGON SLAVE!!!! " The fire in the spell resultingly took out the demoness, the room, and an entire half of the hotel they were staying in. The demoness screamed as she disappeared into the skies, leaving a trail of fire and smoke in her wake.
" I gave you everythiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggg! " was the last thing heard of her. Zelgadis couldn't help but smile at her leaving, especially since, along with his magics and stony appearance, his pilfered clothing had reappeared as well.
Amelia was still giggling though.
Lina turned, seemingly feeling much better. " Imagine what I could have done with full power! " she declared, and Zelgadis fought the urge to sigh. She had, afterall, saved him from the perverted little fairy thing.
" Heeeeyyyyyy! " Lina suddenly declared, kneeling where the demoness/fairy had been. She stood and turned, displaying a handful of gold and jewels. " Gee, Zel, looks like you ran right into what I was looking for! The fairy's treasure! "
Zelgadis looked perturbed. " You knew about that fairy thing? "
" Uh-huh! Weren't you listening to me when I-- hey! Where's Gourry! I should show him this stuff! " Lina looked at the expressions on Zelgadis' face and Amelia's. " What? "
Somewhere off towards the west, a weary traveler sat himself down and grumbled about his harebrained leader, and his harebrained leader's harebrained idea. Then he noticed... that someone was laughing at him.
The end...