She had to snoop.
Chloe finished brushing her teeth and gave up her place to Pete. She smiled innocently as she passed Clark. She closed the door to Buffy’s room and took out her mini-recorder. She thought back to what she had overheard and tried to sum it up.
"Looks like vampires exist. Garlic doesn't work. Something about being on a Hellmouth and demons. Met a humanoid named Clem. He eats kittens. This guy named Spike said something about a Dawn having Slayers blood. Sire. Grandsire. Buffy and Sara, I think, got shot! (God I hope not). Willow tried to destroy the world. Xander saved the world. Something about Angelus and souls. About feeling love. Oh, he called Buffy 'slayer'," she thought, pausing for a moment. "She also said he tried to rape her so I don't know what to do with that," she said, sighing. "Investigate claim that local law enforcement covers up."
She immediately started looking around, not wanting to dwell. Everything seemed normal enough on the surface. Still she was certain some sort of clue or even proof of the town’s supernatural nature was within reach. She plopped down on the bed and opened the first drawer she could reach. She found what she hoped for when she pulled out a diary. She hesitated for good measure.
Clark looked around the room fighting to swallow the lump in his throat. Buffy’s mother’s things were still scattered in the space. Her clothes were in boxes and art and smiling pictures still adorned the dressers and the walls; pictures of Buffy, Dawn and herself as they used to be. He also saw pictures of Willow and a woman he assumed was Tara, also smiling or staring at each other with love. He couldn’t help but envy them, even if their love story ended so tragically. They had the freedom to be lovers in love, something Clark wasn’t sure could ever happen to him.
“Are you serious? That’s 25$ more than last time!”
“I’m sorry miss, I’m going to have to take care of some paying costumers now, if you don’t mind…”
Buffy smiled sweetly at the condescending clerk and got out of the line. 65$ round trip didn’t sound too bad, except that she didn’t have any credit cards and her account balance was owing. For months now Xander had been financing all their activities without ever complaining, but asking him to buy her a bus ticket to go to LA with Spike would be too much. She could never ask him such a thing.
That left her with very limited options. She’d either have to suck it up and call her father, hitchhike or steal a car... And she was so NOT calling her father.
Chloe opened the book to the first page.
New diary for a new life. Mom, Dawn and I are now residents of sunny Sunnydale where I'm going to have to make friends all over again. I'm hoping they'll think I'm cool 'cause I'm from Hell-A but I'm not going to hold my breath. Just because I burned down the gym at Hemery doesn’t mean my old friends were going to ditch me. Why wouldn’t she let me stay with Dad?? AH! I know. I already know. It’s the whole ‘v’ thing. They think I’m crazy again and Dad can’t deal. At least they’re not screaming at each other anymore… God, I hate this! Dawn's crying herself to sleep every night, Mom is at that stupid gallery all day and there’s nothing to do here. There’s an airport, a university, a bunch of churches and cemeteries but only one Starbucks! Hello? Priorities? Mom heard there’s a big mall on the other side of town though so maybe it’s not completely hopeless. I would so be there right now but I have to baby-sit again. Why can’t we hire someone? I am a teenager, I don’t want to be responsible! I'm so tired of telling people that. I'm just a girl.
Chloe felt bad. She didn’t really want to intrude on Buffy’s personal life, she wanted to know about vampires. She pushed away thoughts of her own family and skipped ahead a dozen pages.
I’ve been waiting to see A all week. When he’s there, I feel like I can deal. I feel like maybe this job isn’t too bad. He’s so cool. I love that he knows things; that I don’t have to hide. I think he likes me, I hope he does. He looks so good I have trouble being cool.
Chloe turned some more pages.
I still can’t believe he’s one of them. I don’t want to believe it. I know he’s good. I know he loves me. Well, I don’t, but I love him so much, he can’t not feel the same way I do, right? He kissed me and it was so nice. I’ll die if I have to fight him. I don’t want to fight him! I want to be with him! Willow understands. She thinks he’s good too. I can’t believe this is happening to me! Ugh, how many times has that phrase come up in my short yet colorful life? I have no luck!
Chloe heard a door shut and some shuffling feet in the hall. She turned at least 60 pages further, glancing nervously at the knob as she read on.
“So, what’s up with you and Buffy? She’s pretty hot and she seems to overlook the whole ‘Jailbait’ thing…”
“It’s not like that, she’s my friend,” Clark answered.
“Right.”
‘Got to go make another pot of coffee. My break is over. My feet hurt. This is my life now. It's better this way.
'Hell'. 'Swords'. Chloe sincerely hoped Buffy was using metaphors. The writing was primitive but she felt totally engrossed. She so badly wanted to read through everything but given her time constraints, she scanned forward to find a reference to anything clearly out of the ordinary. The words ‘snake’ and ‘monster’ caught her eye as she flipped to the middle.
That was some ceremony! The snake monster was bigger than I thought. Everyone fought well, and I liked watching the building burn to the ground. It was a fitting end to that hellhole: the Mayer ate Snyder and everything blew up. 19 students are dead. I’ll try to work up the strength to stakeout the morgue tomorrow but I doubt we will. I want to sleep for a week and not think about it.
Oz pointed something out to us when it was over: We survived High school and technically, I only died the once! Yay me! *note: the Yay is completely sarcastic*
Chloe read the reference to the Mayer, the Snake Monster and the dead students at graduation into her recorder. She added the part about Buffy possibly dying.
I called mom and Dawn and told them it was okay to come back to town. Dawn is not happy; she liked the hotel. I should have let them stay away, I’m sure Dawn won’t shut up about it. Maybe I could stay at Willow’s until school starts?
He really left tonight. I feel sick. My heart will jump out of my chest, my head is buzzing and I’m shaking as I’m writing this. Why does life have to be like this? I want to run after him but I can’t. He’s right. One day we would have risked being together again and who knows how that would have ended? Angel’s gone, and he won’t ever come back… I’m opting for minimum wigging, I’ll pretend it isn’t happening.
Right now Willow and Oz and Cordelia and Xander are waiting for me downstairs. We’re going to watch movies. Shiny, happy movies. They don’t want to leave me alone.
Curiously there were ruffled pages near the end of the book.
'I was in heaven' they said.
Chloe didn’t know what to think; were the pages crinkled from dried tears? And what had she meant by heaven? Was Buffy even sane? She turned to the preceding page and furrowed her brow. It said: What the hell does 'Death is your gift' mean????? 'Death is your gift?' Is this chick for real? Chloe knew she had been right. From the moment they had met, Chloe had decided to keep an eye on Buffy, and not just because she may have something going on with Clark. Still, Chloe really was miffed those two seemed to have a connection and she had been feeling like the second in line again. She had sometimes made herself feel better thinking Clark preferred brunettes, but now...
There were no more entries after that. She closed the book, kicking herself for not having any self-restraint.
“Wow,” Pete said, staring at a picture of Willow and Tara holding hands.
“Are they?”
"What?"
"You know, gay. Lesbians..." He whispered. When Clark didn't answer, Pete got wide-eyed. "They aren't real lesbians, are they?
“I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.”
“Oh come one, if there are any in Smallville they don’t advertise. Come on man, did you get to see any girl on girl action?”
“No I didn’t, Pete. Willow’s in England and Tara’s…”
“What?”
“She’s dead.”
“What? You’re kidding me right?”
“I wish I was,” Clark said, seeing the smile drop from Pete’s face.
“What happened?”
“They didn’t say much. A stray bullet through a window.”
“A bullet?”
“That’s what they said.”
“So vampires AND shootings?”
“I guess.”
“Please tell me it wasn’t a hate crime, ‘cause I’m not exactly the small town color.”
“I don’t think so. They said stray bullet, so I’m guessing it’s one that missed its target."
“And I thought this was just another boring pueblito, man.”
“Me too.”
“Scary. So who are these fine ladies? Is this Dawn?” he asked, clearly interested. “I didn’t get a good look at her tonight.”
“Yes that’s Dawn, and that was Buffy’s mother Joyce.”
“Was?”
“She’s um... dead too.”
“What?” Pete squealed, dropping the frame on the bed.
“Aneurysm a couple of years ago.”
“And this was her room too?”
“Yes.”
“And you’re sure we’re not better off outside in that tent?” Pete asked, half serious.
Clark shrugged and went to check on Chloe.
Buffy walked passed Xander’s house, seeing him with her sister Dawn through the window. They were laughing and throwing things at each other. He would make such a great father, she thought.
She still sometimes wished to be normal, but inevitably, logic would burst her bubble. If she had been normal her mother might never have moved them out here. If she had been normal she might still be in Los Angeles keeping up appearances. If she had been normal she wouldn’t have Dawn, her sister, her blood daughter, her friend. If she had been normal and met Xander and Willow, she might have dismissed them.
Sometimes she longed for a world where she had fallen in love with Xander and had a family with him… But a normal Buffy probably wouldn’t have thought of getting married until she was very much older. A normal Buffy probably wouldn’t appreciate his courage and his pain.
She could see so much pain in him, even as he was giggling and making jokes. She didn’t know how to deal with that so she never really brought it up. She caught herself on the verge of tears sometimes watching him. Was she the only one?
Buffy was so absorbed in her thoughts she didn’t see Anya materialize beside her.
“They look like a family,” the newly brown-haired demon said.
“Yeah, they do. Xander has really been like a big brother to her growing up.”
“Are you going to go in?”
“No, are you?”
“No. I just wanted to make sure he was alright. I come here every night, just to see.” Anya answered, wringing her hands uneasily.
“That’s nice Anya.”
“It’s torture, that’s what it is. Luckily my boss looks the other way, though, or else I would be toast.”
“You still love him.”
“Of course I do. I love him and I hate him. He made me trust him and betrayed me in the worst way.”
“I know how you feel.”
“I should be dancing on his entrails, is what I should be doing. I thought that once I became a demon again that I could put my love for him in the background. That I would feel strong enough to eventually leave him behind.”
“Nothing changed?”
“My human aches and pains are gone. My love, my hate, my yearnings, nothing has changed, Buffy. I don’t know what to do. I haven't even gotten any of my clothes out of there yet.”
“I thought demons didn’t have souls,” she whispered.
“Buffy, I don’t know about souls, but I am the same person I was when Xander left me at the altar. I cry the same tears,” she whispered. Buffy expected her to sob melodramatically, but she never did. She was just hurting, and it rang true to the blonde.
“Well,” Buffy said, patting Anya’s arm. “I gotta go.” She took a few steps and turned back. “I believe you.”
She picked up the pace, walking, then dashed to the nearest wooded area. She ran through the trees trying to get her mind to stop spinning.
As she ran as fast as she could, she wasn’t thinking about anything consciously. She was only running and running and running. Her thoughts began to make sense, and come at her at a more acceptable pace.
She asked herself questions she finally had the guts to face the answer to.
Was she happy to be alive?
YES
Did she really hope to be normal?
No
Did she still love Angel?
She always would.
Could she ever be with him again?
Never.
Did she love Spike?
Yes, she did... she had.
As what?
As a different sort of friend, as a work partner, as a lover and even as a foe. She loved his face, his body, his clothes, his accent, and his humor, how she could and couldn't understand him. She also respected the way he fought… But could she ever be in love with him?
Did it matter?
The answer didn’t come so quickly, because she was still trying to comprehend what had happened. She was disgusted at him, at them both, at what they did together, at what they compromised inside themselves to be together. It was tough waking up and seeing where she’d been; how he’d treated her, how she’d treated him (and herself); life in general.
What had scared her the most that night was that she had thought that as far as situations went, she would never have to be in that one. She could never have been just a woman physically caught off guard by a trusted male. She had the strength of men. She didn't think she would ever have to feel the panic of a million women rise up inside her as she realized the situation had spiraled way out of control. Up until then, she had been sure she had held the power in their relationship.
The questions now were: was she wrong to want to put the past behind her? Was she still just avoiding dealing?
‘Oh God, Angel,’ she thought as fear gripped her. She had been too distracted to understand he was in trouble and now the blame lay squarely on her shoulders. She couldn’t just keep going without knowing what was going on. She wouldn’t sleep- She abruptly stopped in front of Spike’s crypt, heart racing wildly.
“Chloe? Can I come in?” Clark asked, wanting to use his X-ray vision but not daring to on the off chance she was changing.
“Come in” she replied, fluffing her hair and checking her reflection in the mirror.
“Hi. I just came in to say goodnight.”
“Goodnight,” she said, disappointed.
“I am really glad to see you Chloe,” he said, backing towards the door.
“Why thank you, Clark Kent,” she smiled, still sad he was so far away. She had been hoping that after all his efforts to win back her trust that they had actually gotten somewhere farther than this. Not so long ago they had been picnicking on the grass, laughing and she had had her head in his lap. What had she done now?
Clark concentrated on the closet door and saw the weapons chest was intact. He did the same for the diary and saw the outline of a book in the sock drawer. He came back to reality when Chloe gestured annoyingly in front of his face.
“Earth to Clark? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, I was just thinking maybe I should put one of Buffy’s pajamas in Dawn’s room for when she gets back,” he stated, going for the appropriate drawer.
"You know where her pajamas are?” Chloe squealed, clearly thinking there was nothing appropriate about him having that information.
“No,” he recovered.
“Then what are you doing?”
“So what you're saying is that it would be wrong to snoop?” He asked, to cover his blunder.
“Yes mom.”
“I’ll be in the shower,” he told her, hoping she would respect his new friends things. He touched her cheek and smiled at her before he left; he didn't like the distance that had re-emerged between them. He had really missed her.
“You sure you won’t have any more?” He asked the girl.
“No, I’m stuffed.”
“Good, more for me.”
“Thought you’d say that.”
"That's a nasty looking cut you've got there."
"I know! 20 stitches. It's my record," she said proudly.
"Try to let it heal before you patrol again, will ya?"
Dawn didn't say anything; she didn't want to think about why the cut had re-opened.
He plopped down on the couch beside her and turned off the television.
“Look Dawnie…” he started.
“It was different than I thought it would be,” she sighed. She had really wanted to avoid this.
“You’re telling me. I thought we were all finally on the same page.”
“I’ll never forgive him,” she reassured Xander, her swollen hands gripping the blanket she had draped herself with. “I just, I didn’t know how I would feel seeing him again and it turns out I was sort of relieved.”
The dark haired man closed his eyes and took a swig of beer. She could tell she had hurt him again.
“I’ll never understand why she let you get so close to him.”
“She didn’t want it. I used to ditch school, I would go to him and he would tell me stories and not coddle me so much. He’d tell me about Dru and Angel and Europe, or about Buffy and some of the things she’d fought but never told me about.”
“So that makes him good?”
“No, but it made him my friend. I needed that. Way back when I didn’t know anything he was nice to me. He didn’t kill me on Parent-teacher night; when he came over to talk to Mom he would always pretend like he didn’t know I was eavesdropping. As soon as she turned around though, he would wink or make funny faces. He was cool.”
“Those memories aren’t real; they don’t count. He’s a rapist and a murderer,” he said, trying not to feel bad for the look of pain that crossed her face.
“I’m not just an energy blob, Xander. Look, sometimes I caught him following me when I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to. He never called me on it; he was just there. He helped me find out I was the Key. He helped me when Mom died...”
“If you say so.”
“I say so. He even helped me with homework sometimes. And did you know he came to meet my teachers three times when Buffy was dead?” She asked, flinching when the memories surfaced. Every time she thought she was through with it she would hear Buffy’s speech in her head, she would see her turning from her and jumping off the tower. Her scars would itch as she flashed on a tearful Buffy singing that she had been in heaven. Spike had saved her sister’s life that day. Dawn had been there. So how did he go from caring to attempted rapist? She didn't understand. Dawn choked on tears she didn’t know were there and took a deep breath as Xander repeated his question.
“Why?”
“I got in trouble and he’d help smooth it over,” she said, getting back to her conversation.
“I don’t get it Dawn, what about me? Where was I?”
“You were working, and you had Anya, and well, since you’ve had her we haven’t seen each other as much. We haven’t spent anytime alone at all since I was... Since before.”
“Well, we are now. You need a buddy or a big brother, you come to me. Just tell me which clothes to wear, 'cause even though I've been wearing the suits, I've still got the Hawaiian shirts.”
“Okay.”
“What I really can’t understand is why you don’t think I’m cute anymore? I mean, you used to think I was all that,” he said to embarrass her. She chuckled and hit him in the face with a pillow.
She walked to the guest room hoping the nightmares would stay away.
Clark was enjoying everything about his shower; even the super-smell wasn't a problem in this house. He was more comfortable in the Summers home than he was at his aunt and uncles. He was starting to dream about moving in for the rest of the summer. Here, he wouldn’t have to eat tofu and hummus, he wouldn’t have to make awkward small talk and watch lawyer shows, he wouldn't get dizzy from all the powder and spray disinfectants. Best of all he wouldn’t have to hide his abilities. Well, he would have to hide, but only until Pete and Chloe left.
Clark turned the shower off and stepped out to dry himself. He used his ex ray vision to check on Pete, who was dozing off and then on Chloe who was trying to open the window and getting frustrated. Clark smiled at the funny face she was making until he saw what looked like a robed man climbing up the tree outside Buffy’s room. He ran out when he saw it wielded a distinctive knife in its right hand.