“Angel was my first love.”
“And he fights… you know, like you?”
“He’s been out there helping the helpless in Los Angeles since I graduated High School. At least he was before he disappeared.”
“So, is it bad? The disappearance I mean.”
“All I know is that he’s not dead.”
“So how come you guys broke it off? I mean, if he already knew about demons and everything- did you not love each other anymore?” Clark asked.
“The love was still there, but too much happened and in the end we were just too different.”
“Because you’re the Slayer?”
“That, and because Angel’s a two hundred and fifty year old vampire.”
“You’re kidding.”
“No.”
“Oh wow I...”
“With a soul, I should say, because there’s a very big difference. At first I thought it would be ideal. He was mysterious and attractive and he knew about the whole Slayer thing. One of the best things about it was that I really wasn’t that much stronger than him.”
Clark understood the strength issue completely. Always having to hold back was tiring at the best and could be heartbreaking or terrifying at the worst.
“Being with a normal guy is a little scary when you know you can behead someone with your bare hands. Anyway, all it really comes down to is that feeling in the pit of my stomach and the way I felt when I first met Angel… I know it will never happen again. This may sound weird considering all our differences but the whole beginning of our relationship I felt like we were on equal footing.” Buffy sighed wistfully and Clark took her hand. “It didn’t last very long.”
“So what happened?”
“I turned 17.”
Xander had hoped to pass out but he kept tossing and turning, his level of discomfort at an all time high. It didn’t help that he had rarely slept in his bed alone. He realized that having Willow to take care of had made life temporarily easier for him, but he was once again haunted by the specter of Anya and their relationship.
He was finding it extremely hard to deal with the fact that he could be sleeping well-loved in his wife’s arms instead of in an empty bed with the knowledge that he had been the one to screw up.
Now, he was relieved to have talked, but he wasn’t sure if it had been constructive to break down with her like that; not since he had found out she was a demon again. They had both made rash decisions and now there was no way back to where they had been.
It sounded slightly dramatic but he knew the world was worse for it.
Clark stood outside the broken door as Buffy finished up in the bathroom. She emerged fully clothed wielding a towel and a stuffed animal. She started drying her hair. “What was mister Gordo doing in the bathroom?”
“Oh, you don’t want to know,” he told her, praying she would never find out about him running into her room naked and using her stuffed pig to cover up.
Thankfully she changed the subject. “I know what you’re thinking… Why bother washing off the Slayer grime; so I can better absorb the über-grease?”
“I’m sure it’s not a total waste. See? You’ve got your cap to protect your hair.”
“Ah, the bane of my existence,” she replied, looking at her Doublemeat hat. “This is the last day of our acquaintance,” she told it solemnly; then broke out a big smile. “I guess as much trouble as it is going to be, I’m probably relieved I don’t have to work there anymore.”
“How come?”
“It’s hard. It’s really hard; like, normal hard I mean,” she admitted, but never elaborated. She took a deep breath and delved back into a more painful subject. “So why all the questions about my relationship?”
“I was curious.”
“About what?” She asked making noise while going through her purse.
“I guess I wanted to know because I’m different too.”
Buffy stopped what she was doing, put her things by her door and sat back down with Clark on the bed. She didn’t know what to say, not really. The subject was very delicate, especially considering Clark’s extreme physical strength and emotional vulnerability. Sure he had managed to keep his friends guessing and his crushes at arm’s length but had a few years of High School left.
Clark lived in the real world where people were already suspicious of his abilities.
She remembered what she felt like before she was called. She tried to think of what she would have done if she had had a friend like Clark back at Hemery. Would she have caught on? Frankly, she would have probably tried to become his girlfriend at all costs and ignored the rest… hum. Seriously, Clark’s friend Chloe was probably pushing him not only because of her journalistic habits but because she couldn’t imagine what could be so bad she couldn’t be trusted with it. Buffy had heard about the meteor rocks and Chloe’s ‘wall of weird’. Ridiculous pang of jealousy aside, Chloe was probably a decent candidate for the truth if she was as good a person as Clark believed. And Pete could be as big a blessing to Clark as Xander had been to her. ‘Could’ being the operative word.
Buffy hesitated a long time before saying anything. She did not consider herself anywhere near knowledgeable enough in this area to give any advice, but she would just have to give it her best shot. Who else could poor Clark possibly talk to?
“My heart would say that if you find that someone you love, don’t let go. Life is too short, at least for me. Still, because we go looking for trouble there are always going to be loved ones in harm’s way. That definitely has to be a concern. Obviously, you could try and not help people, but from what you’ve told us, it’s about as impossible as me not helping.”
“My parents used to tell me that it wasn’t my job to save the world, but I’m starting to figure out that with great power comes great responsibility, whether you’re called as part of a cosmic plan or a your freak powers are a fluke.”
“Hey, you saw ‘Spiderman?”
“Who hasn’t?”
“Well, at least you have some form of social life. Look, life is life. Since my mother died, I’ve had to believe that the people I love are in danger just by being alive. Maybe I just say that so I’ll feel better but there’s always a chance someone’ll get hit by a bus or something and then-“
“I was hit by a bus once.”
“See, it really can happen to anybody! Now, I know you’ve told us over and over that you’d never tell your friends your secret, but never is a long time. Situations change, people find things out. You’re going to have to decide to tell or not to tell. Now if you decide you want to be with someone then you’re not going to have a choice because of your strength alone. They wouldn’t be making an informed decision without all the facts.”
“But what if they don’t want to know all the facts? And then you have to think about them telling, or being coerced into telling or the less appealing but still possible option they may sell you out willingly…”
“So you have thought about this.”
“Everyday. So, did you ever go out with a normal guy?”
“I did for awhile, sure. Turns out he had his share of secrets too.”
“But he was human.”
“Yes he was. I had to hold back a lot.”
“You mean in your conversations?”
“Sure, but I meant in bed, mostly. You really have to concentrate on not losing too much control and it gets really tricky.”
“I know, just kissing can be so… nice and my instincts… my instincts have been telling me that the more I wait, the less I’ll want to go slow when I get the opportunity. It just gets so intense, and I haven’t even gotten close to anyone…”
Buffy takes his hand.
“I know, and I totally understand Clark. I know exactly where you are right now.”
“What if… what if I can’t go through life alone? What if I get to the point where I need it so much I don’t care about the dangers anymore?”
“Clark, look at me.” Buffy turned. “Then you can come find me.”
Clark blushed crimson. “You don’t mean that if… you know, I could come to you, right?”
“As long as I’m alive you can come to me for anything. I’ll understand. We’ll figure out what to do then.”
Clark wanted to kiss Buffy so badly. He had always felt so alone with his secret. Now he not only had friends that were okay with it, but he had one friend who understood as much as he could ever have hoped anyone to, the fact that she was an attractive woman blurred the lines for Clark.
His hand went up to cup her face. He didn’t know how he could express what he was feeling at the moment.
“We’re not alone.”
“No, we aren’t,” she said, grabbing his hand away from her cheek and squeezing it. Buffy looked at the time and rested her head on Clark’s shoulder. She would have to be off to work soon, and who likes being fired?
Chloe awoke to someone mumbling her name. It took her a moment to realize where she was and the fact that she couldn’t move because her friend Pete had his arm around her.
“Pete?”
“What?” He replied groggily.
“Why are you spooning with me?”
“’Cause I love you.”
“What?” Chloe said, throwing off the covers and turning to face him.
Pete woke up in a start, embarrassed.
“Look Chloe, I’m sorry, please don’t freak out,” he whispered.
“Don’t freak out? When were you going to tell me this?”
Pete looked like he was pleading with his eyes for her to drop it, but she couldn’t. “How long?”
“Since I first saw you… You’re my Lana.”
“Wow,” Chloe sighed, putting her head in her hands. How had she not noticed this?
“Don’t be mad at me, I just wasn’t ready to be rejected.”
“How do you know I would have rejected you?”
“The answer to that question is sleeping on the floor.”
Chloe momentarily panicked thinking they were having this whole conversation in front of Clark, but all she saw down there was bedding.
“He’s gone.”
“What a surprise.”
“Pete, what do you want me to say?”
“What I want you to say is totally different than what I expect you to say.”
“Pete, I never thought about it, I never realized…”
“And I never thought you would… Well, I hoped that maybe, but I knew that my chances were slim to none,” he admitted.
“I am so sorry.”
“I know.” “All this time we were going through the same thing…”
“Chloe, let’s just go back to sleep,” he said, turning away from her and covering up. She knew that he was silently pleading for her not to rub it in. He smiled when she nodded and headed for the bathroom.
“Something happened earlier tonight. Chloe asked me if I had premonitions.”
“What did you say?”
“I said it was complicated, but it’s something like that. I figured it might get them off my back since I’m always running off and saving people and bursting in at the right time.”
“Good luck with that.”
“Thanks,” he said, nudging her. “ So you really think I should tell?”
“I never had to tell, everyone just kept finding out.”
“I don’t know what to do, Buffy. My life is so complicated!”
“High school can really suck.”
“It’s the least of my worries. On one hand I’ve got my parents and they expect certain things from me. They think of it as their job to protect me and I don’t want to let them down. On the other hand there are my friends and whatever I do I can’t be fair to everyone or be right all the time. I love them all so much sometimes I think that the way I feel about my parents and Pete, Chloe, Lana and Lex is so strong it has to be alien. I can’t imagine how I’ll feel about them if I’m not constantly having to keep them away.”
“I think it’s safe to say that we would do anything for our friends. Die for them, even.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry, I keep bringing up bad memories for you. Why don’t, we stop talking and you can get an hour of sleep before you go to work.
“My alarm isn’t set and-“
“I’ll wake you up.”
“Will you stay?”
“Sure.”
Buffy watched as Clark lay down on the bed, and put her head on his shoulder. His arm held her tightly; reassuring her that everything would be all right. Buffy had a lot to be preoccupied about and she was very glad to have Clark’s support.
Chloe had been trying to get to the downstairs bathroom when she spied Clark and Buffy lying in bed. Her heart sank because even though he was covered up and the blond was fully clothed, she had never seen Clark look so peaceful and relaxed.
Chloe suddenly felt like she couldn’t breath. She doubled back for her purse and headed straight out the front door.