UNFORGETTABLE: PRE-EPILOG-part two
By Jennifer Ferris
**For disclaimers and notes see part one
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"No! I've listened to that, I've understood that, or tried to. But it won't work anymore. You talk about walls. Will you build that wall up around you so high that no one can ever get in? That's a terrible fate you're building for yourself. And you ask me to share it."
"I've never done that. I've never asked you to-"
"God. Damn it." He seized her arms, shaking her a little. "Look at yourself. Look at me. Tell me that's not what you're talking about. Look but don't touch. Feel, but don't want. Is that how it's supposed to work? I've been trying, Captain. I'm not very good at it."
"Yes. I can see that." Kathryn lifted her chin, the anger clear in her face.
"What? Kellin? How could I, is that what you're asking? What? Make love to another woman?"
Kathryn turned her face away, not to hear these words. But that was the easy way out and she couldn't afford that. "All right," she said harshly. "Tell me about that, then. If that's what you want."
"What I want. Damn you. Tell you about that? That's easy. You find someone willing and you take your clothes off and you make love. It's easy. No? That's not what you meant?"
Kathryn shook her head furiously. "No."
"How could I... give my heart to someone else? I don't think I did."
"That's not what she said. Was she lying?" She threw the words at him.
"Oh, I may have tricked myself into believing... maybe I wanted her." His shrug was calculated. "Maybe I just wanted to fuck," he said, deliberately crude.
Anger made her eyes bright this time. Two could play at that, too. "It's not your cock I'm talking about. Maybe I'm talking about your...allegiance."
His head snapped back as if she'd struck him. "My allegiance? Fuck you," he exploded. "How dare you."
"How do I dare? I dare because I thought I had that, at least. I thought -" Kathryn pressed her lips together. No. She wouldn't say that.
"Oh. My heart then." Chakotay leaned forward deliberately, his hand pressed to his chest, then to hers. "Here. It's yours. You know I want to give it to you and you won't accept it. And that's what you're asking for, oh, silently. All the things we never say. Well, I guess I'm saying them now. Tell me to go, Captain. Push me away. As you've done so many times. Maybe it's better."
"I haven't... wait a minute. Wait just a damn minute here." She shoved away from him. "Since when are you the only goddamned martyr on this ship? Don't tell me that. You want to talk about crap? You're good at it, Chakotay. You stand beside me with that...that look on your face and I know I've hurt you and I never wanted to do that. And you're so goddamned noble about it. Well, enough. Enough."
"Yes. Enough! Noble? I'm not being noble."
"Well that's true. Don't you get all righteous on me. It's tough enough without me having to feel like I'm wounding you, just by being. How do you think that makes me feel?" She whirled to face him, eyes pleading.
"I don't know, Kathryn. I don't know if it makes you feel at all."
She shrank back. "Don't you say that to me."
"Sometimes I wonder. What do you want, Kathryn? Not what do you think is best. Or what you think I should do. What do you want from me?"
"I want-" she moved away, needing the safety of distance, her anger rushing away as something hot and scared flowed in to her heart. "But I can't--"
Chakotay followed her. "Why?"
She turned to stare at him. "Why? I thought at least you understood."
"I understand that you've been running away. From me? I don't know. From something. And you keep me away while you're at it. I think that's what you want. You want me there, but not too close. You want me to want you. Is that it? Well it's worked, Kathryn. I want you. But I can't do this any more."
"Can't? Or won't?"
"Why would you ask that of me?"
"I don't."
"Are you toying with me now? Admit it."
"No. No! What would you have me do? God. God." She brushed a hand through her hair, pushed it away from her face, refusing to wipe away the tears that threatened.
He stood behind her at the viewport, his voice guttural. "I'd have you be honest with me. I'd have you tell me to stay or to go. One or the other. Can't you be that honest?"
"It isn't that simple, Chakotay."
"No. Maybe it isn't. Wasn't. But it's simple now." He turned her to him. "Let me tell you, then. Straight out. Kellin means nothing to me. Kellin was there. Maybe I just needed someone. And the one I want is standing before me and I can never have her. That's what you're telling me, isn't it. Finally."
"Finally? Don't do this, Chakotay. Don't push me to the wall."
"It's there, Kathryn. We might as well acknowledge it. Is there anything I can say? Is there any way I can change your mind?" He put his hands on her shoulders. She was shaking.
"This is for the record, then," he said. "I love you. I've loved you and wanted you for...a long time. And you've given me back just a little. Just enough to make me hope. And my hope is strangling me."
His hands tightened on her shoulders. "And it's about goddamned time I got over it, isn't it." He took her face in his hands. "Tell me I'm wrong. I love you. Can you love me?"
Tears were sliding down her cheeks now. "Do you think I'm made of stone? I do love you, Chakotay. I've loved you for a long time."
But her voice was dreadful, as if she were pronouncing sentence on them both.
"But..."
"But we can't be lovers. I can't let that happen. I can't give up the only objectivity I have left. It's not fair," she cried. "It wouldn't be fair to this crew. To these people. I have to remember that. I have to."
"Stop it. Stop hiding behind them. I'm talking about you."
"You're asking for something I can't give."
"Can't give. Won't give. It doesn't make any difference, really, does it. All right, Kathryn. You've answered me." His eyes were dark and bleak.
"No..."
"I'm tired, my love. It's destroying me. I'm afraid I'll stop loving. And I don't want to pay that price. Even you are not worth that price."
Her breath was a shudder. "No. No. Don't say that."
"I don't have any choice." He stopped. "You have to let me go."
"Then do it. Go. Don't ask me to compromise-"
He walked away, as if his body hurt him. He turned at the door, his eyes terrible. "Kathryn."
The tears stained her cheeks. "I can't."
Grief spasmed across his features. "That's it, then." He turned away, and stopped, as if he couldn't remember how to move away. Then he straightened.
He let the door slide shut behind him.
Janeway stared incredulously at the closed door, her mind racing out of control but her body frozen. No no no, not like this... She shook herself. Without thinking, without wiping her cheeks, she palmed her door open and ran down the corridor to his quarters.
"Chakotay. Open the door." No answer. "Dammit. Open the goddamned door." When he still didn't answer, Kathryn fumbled with the lock, keying in her override, taking two attempts before she got it right. When she stumbled inside, he was standing there, his quarters still dark, the only light spilling in from the corridor. "Don't you dare walk away from me."
His breath rushed out in a strangled groan. "I'm just getting out of your way, Captain. Isn't that what you want?"
"I want - I want... oh, goddammit," she whirled and palmed the door shut. Then she turned to face him. "I need to find some way to reach you."
"Oh, you can reach me." He moved so suddenly she gasped. His face close to hers, his eyes boring into her. "You can reach me. It's your choice, Captain. I've made that pretty clear."
"My choice." She repeated, staring at him.
She was silent so long that the hope died on his features. "Why did you come? Why are you here?"
"I won't let you go, Chakotay."
His words were deliberate. "You're killing me, Kathryn. You have to. Let me go. Or let me in. Not at arm's length. Not any more."
She took a deep breath, and another, her face settling in determination. "Then come closer."
His head shot up, incredulous. She raised her chin and stared at him. Her voice was expressionless. "That's pretty clear, isn't it?"
"Kathryn. Don't...pull me in and then let out the line. I won't be played with."
"I'm not playing."
A spasm crossed his face. "God. 'I can't imagine a day without you.' That's what you said. The last time. Is this another one, Captain? Time to make sure the Maquis stays in line? Is that what this is?"
Kathryn gasped in shock. "What?"
His eyes were relentless. "Oh, you played it very well. I believed you. Maybe you even meant it. And then threw accusations at me. And shoved me away. You think I don't remember?"
"You think that was deliberate? You think I was--" Her voice sank. "Is that what you think of me?"
"I don't know. How can I know? You've played me very well. The carrot and the-"
She slapped him. Hard. His head snapped back and he stared at her incredulously. She was furious. "How dare you. If you think I would manipulate you that way--if you think I would act that way. Who the hell do you think you are? Who the hell do you think I am?"
His hand shot out and grasped the back of her head, pulling her closer. His breath was hot on her face. "I think you're Captain Kathryn Janeway. And you know what you want. And if that includes keeping me in line, well, then that needs to be done too. You're smart. You're good. You've done very well. Well, the line just broke, Captain. It won't work any more."
She shoved back from him. "Fuck you too if that's what you think. You think that's why I've pushed you away? Maybe I wasn't quite willing to pay that price?"
"I think you'd pay any price you thought was needed. For this ship. For the good of this crew."
Her fist clenched. Chakotay saw it. He leaned a little closer. "So is that what it takes? To get through that thick skin of yours? Maybe I've just been going about this all wrong."
She backed away from him. "God. You really do think that." She whirled away.
"Kathryn." She straightened, not turning around. His voice was softer now. "Look at me."
"No," she whispered. "No. I don't want to see your face right now. That face that I've treasured. And you think me a monster. Or maybe you're the monster. I don't know."
"No." His voice was still soft. Coming closer to her. "I don't think that. I'm sorry. I know you too well. The honor of the 'Fleet," he said shakily. "No. You'd prize that above all. But you look at me with those eyes and then you push me away. What am I supposed to think?" He touched her shoulder, tentatively, briefly, and let his hand fall slowly down her back.
"Don't touch me!" she shivered. "I can't think if you touch me."
Something stirred in Chakotay's eyes then. His hand moved back to her shoulder, to her neck. "Then don't. Don't think." He put his arms around her, at her waist and chest, drawing her against his body.
"Oh, god," she whispered, her voice shaking. "No. You don't understand. You don't know what you-" she wrenched herself away, turning to face him.
Chakotay stiffened, his arms falling away. "No," he said. "I don't."
"You scare me," Kathryn breathed, her voice barely audible. "You scare me so much I don't dare let myself-"
"What?" Chakotay stared at her, his anger returning. "Feel? You don't dare let yourself-feel?"
"Yes! I'll drown in you and never come back up. How can I let myself-"
"Would that be so terrible? Then drown, Kathryn. Let yourself go. Just for once." He seized her face in his hands. "Can't you let yourself feel?"
"No! I can't let go. I can't-" and then Chakotay's mouth was on hers, quieting her cries, and she stiffened in his arms, speaking against his lips. "No. You don't know what you-" and then she stopped talking, she stopped, opening her mouth hungrily under his and pressing herself against him.
When he released her she was crying. "Oh, god," Chakotay drew in a breath, needing to understand the storms that shook her. "You have to tell me, love." He put his arms back around her and lowered them gently until they were kneeling on the floor. "Kathryn...don't."
"You...damn. Damn." Angrily, Kathryn swiped at the tears on her face.
"Kathryn," he repeated, his voice deadly serious. "What did you mean?"
She took a deep breath, trying to calm her heart from racing. "What?"
"What did you mean? You came here and said,'then come closer'. Why did you say that, then? What did you mean?"
"Oh." But her heart didn't seem to want to slow down. "I meant it. I can't lose you. But..."
He dropped his arms from her. "But."
She wouldn't let him go away. "No. Don't think that. I am not that monster, Chakotay. I'm not."
He closed his eyes. "I know." They snapped open. "But I meant it too. I can't-"
"Oh, god." Still kneeling on the floor, she moved herself closer to him and let her hand stroke his cheek. "I never meant to do that. I'm sorry. I didn't know. I-"
"Don't tell me that," he hissed. "Don't lie."
"I didn't mean that," she said hotly. "I just..." Her voice was a little rough now. "I didn't mean to...cost you so much. I thought...I thought I had the luxury of time. I thought if I waited, maybe you wouldn't...overwhelm me so much. That I could-"
"What?"
She gave a tiny laugh, at herself. "That I could...control it. That you wouldn't make me blind to everything else when you walked into a room. That I could..."
He watched her, eyes glinting. "That you could control--me."
"No! Don't you understand...you make me crazy. I can't afford to be crazy, Chakotay. I can't afford to lose control."
"Even here? Even...just Kathryn?"
"There is no 'just Kathryn'. Don't you see? I've been fighting. I've been fighting."
"Me," he said quietly. "You've been fighting me."
She sighed, as if all the air in her must finally come out. "Yes."
"Don't." He ran a hand up her arm, slowly, tantalizingly, barely touching. "I won't let you win."
Janeway stared at his hand on her arm, at his face, at his mouth. "I know."
His lips curved finally in a smile. Just a tiny smile. "I won't let you."
She was trembling. "Don't you know?"
"What?" he murmured, pulling her a little closer, his hand wandering to her neck, to the cloth covering her breast.
"You've already won."
Chakotay's voice was very low when he answered her. "Good," he said. And pulled her to him.
FIN
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