And The Winner Is...

After long deliberation, the judges finally came to a decision, awarding Mulder a silver medal. Though the FBI agent's triple-somersault-interspersed-with-double-backflips routine *had* been impressive, he just couldn't compete with the Well Manicured Man.

From the mind of Elena Sculder
February 1, 1999

The Runners Up

Here we see the victorious reaction of Special Agent Fox Mulder as he edges out AD Walter Skinner in the Annual FBI Tight Buns Contest, 27 to 26.

Stephanie Martinez | February 1, 1999

--------------------

Sadly, after the cancellation of "The X-Files", the only work Mr. Duchovny could find was as the lead in "Mr. Holland's Opus 2".

Kawcrow | January 31, 1999

--------------------

Mulder found his scores in the "Histrionics" category skyrocketed every time he had a scene which required him to cry . . .

Melvin F. | January 31, 1999

--------------------

To complete his lifelong quest to find his soulmate, Mulder is using psychic experiments in the belief that he would share an extrasensory connection with that special someone.

Mulder: "Okay, people, this is the tie-breaker. I'm thinking of...eight, yes, EIGHT!"

Lunchlady Doris | February 4, 1999

--------------------

Mulder: Ta-daa! So how do you like my impression of Johann Sebastian Bach doing a backflip?

Terminator: You be Beethoven. I'll be Bach.

Puddlesky | February 4, 1999

--------------------

Mulder: How many times have I ever been wrong?

As Mulders head is turned the others reveal their answers.

Carol | February 3, 1999

The Contenders
(in chronological order)

As the judges lined up, they all gave high marks to Mulder's...gun holster.

KD | January 31, 1999

--------------------

Scully: "Great backflip, Mulder. I'm giving you a nine for calculating your jump distance and executing the maneuver."

Terminator: "I'm giving you an eight for your athletic ability."

Xena: "I'm giving you a ten for having great buns! Wooo!"

Strawberryshake | January 31, 1999

--------------------

I found the secret base of the clone masters. Now I had to be careful not to trip any of the laser sensors. That clone of scully has got me thinking....

mmortalL ght | January 31, 1999

--------------------

Reasons for Scoring:

Terminator- they may be buns of steel but but they don't have the 'chrome' effect like mine.

Xena- I think the Dacron hangs better than Herc's leather.

Scully- While they appear terrific the proof- I will have to deduct from a perfect score until performing a physical exam.- Furthermore he took a small step on the landing.

tulip | January 31, 1999

--------------------

Xena: Now that is one fine ass.

The Terminator: Even I can't disagree with that.

Scully: hubba hubba hubba

The Grocer | January 31, 1999

--------------------

Mulder drops his pants and gets rave reviews!

Erin | January 31, 1999

--------------------

Xena: I don't know about you two, but I think his butt is definitely cuter than Joxer's!

Sarah Plummer | January 31, 1999

--------------------

(Tonight's competition: The Alien Probe-Trouser-Drop Contest)

Xena: Wow! I'll give it a perfect ten!

Scully: I've seen better on my autopsy bodies. I'll give it a nine.

Terminator: We have better technology in our time, so I have to give THAT an eight.

emet | January 31, 1999

--------------------

Mulder raised his arms in triumph, as he knew that victory was his in the first annual FBI gymnastic competition.

Frodo Underhill | January 31, 1999

--------------------

Mulder: Hey, Scully? What'd you do with my pants?

Kawcrow | January 31, 1999

--------------------

Mulder: I'm a little tea pot, short and stout...

The Terminator: That's it, I'm knocking points off for talent....or lack of.

Kawcrow | January 31, 1999

--------------------

Mulder: See, the way this works, you stand there with those cards, and if I can guess the numbers right, I'm psychic!

The Terminator: Give the boy a medal.

Kawcrow | January 31, 1999

--------------------

Fox executive producers give their estimates for how long they think "The X-Files" should stay on-air.

Kawcrow | January 31, 1999

--------------------

Mulder: It's fun to stay at the Y, M--

Xena: Help me. Help me.

Kawcrow | January 31, 1999

--------------------

Announcer: My God!! I can't believe it!! TOUCHDOWN!! TOUCHDOWN!! Ladies and gentleman, Denver has won the game!!!

Terminator: I didn't know Mulder played football.

Mulder: I have many skills.

Xena: Shut up, pretty boy.

Kawcrow | January 31, 1999

--------------------

Scully: Great, Mulder! This kinf of act will surely bring you the gold!

Xena: I don't think it was so great. Let's hear what the ugly guy has to say.

Terminator: Well...

Xena: I didn't talked about you. Mulder, what do you have to say about it?

Mulder: I can say I'm glad I don't have bullet proof skin.

Itay Shlamkovich | February 1, 1999

--------------------

Announcer: And the winner of the "Guess how many spots, mulder has on his butt, is ...."

wOOgie | February 1, 1999

--------------------

Mulder does his imitation of Rain Man.

Danae | February 1, 1999

--------------------

Scully - I don't care how flexible he is, I still won't go out with him!!!

Red Crow | February 1, 1999

--------------------

OOoooo. That perfect split MAY have costed him the championship

KidCat505 | February 1, 1999

--------------------

Mulder: (thinking) Why are they all staring at me like that? Did I rip a hole in my pants?

Steph or something . . . | February 1, 1999

--------------------

Yes, Mulder, you have a nice butt, kay?

LCShipper | February 1, 1999

--------------------

Despite dropping the gun, Mulder manages to pull out 2nd place in the anchor leg of the 4x100 relay.

Danielle Phillips | February 1, 1999

--------------------

Voice-over: Just how many seconds can YOU stand Mulder's B.O.?

Ludo | February 2, 1999

--------------------

Mulder: Blllaaaragdhfff!!!!

Xena: I give him a 10 for the back spasm on that one.

Terminator: Whatever. He wouldn't have ripped my face off if he wasn't so drunk.

Scully: Come on! He couldn't even outdrink ME! And besides, he's puking on my sofa.

Justin Cherry | February 2, 1999

--------------------

Mulder: Yeah, baby. Check that out.

Xena: I'll give you 10 for it.

Scully: I'll give you 9, Mulder, and I'll take you to dinner.

Terminator: Screw that, I'm only offering 8 until he takes off his boxers.

Justin Cherry | February 2, 1999

--------------------

Ok guys on a scale of 1-10, rate how tight my ass is!!!

Madman | February 2, 1999

--------------------

Technically, the move was less than perfect but the agent gets a big artistic "10" for not ripping the life outta those pants.

Genie | February 2, 1999

--------------------

From Xena's angle- Mulder must have dug that red speedo out.

FrostedFlake | February 2, 1999

--------------------

Terminator: I give him an 8 for the dismount!

Xena: A perfect 10 for the execution.

Scully: And my 9 is for....

Xena: (whispering) A tight butt is not a deciding factor.

Scully: Darn it. For the mount, I guess... I wish...

StephanieAnne | February 2, 1999

--------------------

Mulder: Can I pull my pants up now?

Corey Yanofsky | February 2, 1999

--------------------

"Mulder fondly remembers his recent dates."

Corey Yanofsky | February 2, 1999

--------------------

The crowd shouts and cheers for Mulder after his marvelous hit. "Wow Mulder!" said terminator. "Man I never thought you could hit a pinyata as hard as I could hit styraphome rocks." commented Xena. "It wasn't that hard to do. All you have to do is calculate the angles and distance between you and the pinyata..." rambled Scully. Mulder showed a smiled of pure joy and yelled, "Again! I wanna hit it again! Do we have anymore?"

Kara | February 2, 1999

--------------------

Scully: They said we were to line up in ORDER, Xena. You get to do the strip search AFTER me.

Sarah Plummer | February 3, 1999

--------------------

Terminator: Kind of a girly-man. I give him an "8".

Xena: Hotter than a Centaur and you know how THEY'RE hung! I give him a "10", baby!

Scully: Well, he's still wearing his pants, so I can only give him a "9".

Wendy | February 3, 1999

--------------------

Our next bachelor up for auction is Mr. Fox Mulder! Mr. Mulder is a special agent in the FBI, and one of you lucky ladies is going to feel VERY special after you've bought him! Now, what am I bid? Two million from the lady in the corner! Do I hear three million?

Kawcrow | February 3, 1999

--------------------

Terminator: It good back.

Scully: Yea, but it was better a year ago.

Mulder: Scully!!

Xena: I don't know Scully, that's one of the best butts I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot!

Jennifer | February 3, 1999

--------------------

"Hey! How's my butt?"

Linda Rosland | February 4, 1999

--------------------

All of a sudden, everyone in the room becomes extremely frightened -- but not as paralyzed as Xena!! -- when Agent Mulder turns into the number 7!!!!! Why? Well... because everyone knows 7 - 8 - 9!!!!!

Tams | February 4, 1999

--------------------

Mulder: (exasperated) "I quit. These morons can't even count in the right order."

Lunchlady Doris | February 4, 1999

--------------------

Today TV Guide's sexiest, tomorrow sexiest action figure!

Rachel | February 4, 1999

--------------------

Hmm, I wonder who Mulder's sleeping with this week?

jENNI | February 4, 1999

--------------------

Sports Commentator 1: "The contestant assumes the position...and yes, here it comes! The judges have spoken! The winner of the Hot Ass Olympics '99 is Fox Mulder!!"

Sports Commentator 2: "What an upset! He entered this event as the dark horse, but when the heavy favorite, Jimmy Smitts, fell into a donut relapse, Mulder began to shatter records in both musculature and symmetry. Plus, that dimple of his was simply phenomenal!"

Lunchlady Doris | February 4, 1999

--------------------

And now, the scores for Mulder's latest deodorant commercial. Oh, those are pretty good scores. It looks like Mulder is going to move on to the semi-finals!

Mulder: YES! I AM SO GOOD!

Scully: Yeah, not in bed, though.

Xena: Shut up, bovine! That's MY man.

Terminator: Where's the oil can?

During the commercial, Scully and Xena get into a cat fight and they say that Mulder get to sleep with the winner. It will probably turn into a threesome. It usually does.

Alexis Faust | February 4, 1999

--------------------

Xena: I give Mulder's butt a 10!

Mulder: Scully, you're my partner! Why do I only get a 9?

Scully: Mulder, Your butt is not Hercules!

Terminator: We want Herc!

Joy in VA | February 4, 1999

--------------------

Sports Commentator 1:"...and the Austrian judge seems a bit harsh, Bob."

Sports Commentator 2:"Oh, I definitely agree. Mulder deserved at least an 8.5 with his quadruple ratboy lunges, combined with his signature maneuver, the alien eye gouge flourish."

Lunchlady Doris | February 4, 1999

--------------------

Scully and company try to guess how long it will take Mulder to recover his cell phone and gun THIS time!

Joy in Virginia | February 4, 1999

--------------------

Mulder: I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!!!

Kawcrow | February 4, 1999

--------------------

Making the bold decision to not use his red speedos, but a normal outfit, Mulder still receives high scores in the BellyFlop Olympics.

Anne Packrat | February 4, 1999

--------------------

Scully: Oh get over yourself Mulder. Your back flip wasn't THAT great . . . you got a 10 from Xena because she was looking at your @ss.

Astaria | February 5, 1999

--------------------

A Jonestown revival meeting.

Mike Remedi | February 5, 1999

--------------------

Mulder's butt is judged. In a moment, the results...

Mrs Krycek | February 5, 1999

--------------------

Agent Mulder stood before the panel of judges a nervous wreck. The Action Figure Olympic Games meant a lot to him, and he wasn't going to let the "Office Attire Bare Ass Moon" category keep him from beating Scully to the Gold this year.

Queen B | February 5, 1999

--------------------

David Duchovny throws up his hands in disgust as his friends indicate how many times they considered suicide while watching "Playing God."

N. Alderman | February 5, 1999

--------------------

The room becomes silent as Mulder drops his pants in the first annual "Action Man's Cutest Buns" contest.

Sandy Bruchmann | February 5, 1999

--------------------

News Anchor: ...And in other news Mulder wins the title of "Cleanest cavity search"

Anonymous | February 5, 1999

--------------------

Okay, Mulder, you can pull your pants up now.

Marta Z | February 5, 1999

--------------------

The Terminator, Xena, and Scully rate the effectiveness of Mulder's underarm deodorant.

Michael R. Spradling | February 5, 1999

--------------------

Scully: Look... Don't you guys think judging suicide attempts is a little cruel?

Xena: It's good clean fun!

Terminator: Come on, girly-boy! Show us that you're a man! Jump!

Ninjababe | February 5, 1999

--------------------

I keep having the same dream, except I'm always in a chicken suit. What do you think it means, doc?

Riff | February 6, 1999

--------------------

Not bad, thought Mulder, considering I dropped my gun during the floor exercise...I could have sworn the gun was greased...Spender-that weasel! Not only must he have the X-Files, he must also have the FBI Special Olympics gold!

Eriu | February 6, 1999

--------------------

Mulder: Well, it was so hard to choose...but I think I'm going to have to go with Bachelorette #8!

Kawcrow | February 6, 1999

--------------------

Terminator: The shape shows technique, but the form is still a little lacking.

Xena: I think a tight end like that is worth whatever price they're asking.

Scully: It's nice, but you should see the ones I found last night.

For some reason, Mulder can't even buy a pair of pants without asking for advice.

The Queen of the Muppets | February 6, 1999

--------------------

Xena: Oh, come on Terminator, isn't an 8 a little low? I think his butt is hot!

Terminator: Mulder's tush is nothing compared to my bun's of steel!

Kate Anderson | February 6, 1999

--------------------

Mulder "Oh mighty alien! I am your sevant! OMMMMMMMMM!"

Xena "Wow! What flexible mucles your boyfriend has!"

Scully "Thanks."

Terminator "Hasta la zista, baby!"

Fearless Johnny Stork | February 6, 1999

--------------------

Xena: "Whoa, nice ass! I give it a 10!"

Scully: "Hey! Watch it, bitch, I've got a gun."

Terminator: "Well, I'd have to agree with Xena..."

Scully: "Oh brother..."

ellie | February 6, 1999

--------------------

Xena: I'm telling ya, this is the nicest ass. Perfect circle. No way Krycek can beat this.

Scully: I'm holding out for Skinner...mmmmm

Mara | February 6, 1999

--------------------

Mulder: thinks (man i'm sure glad i entered the curtsy contest!)

Scully:thinks (I should have known he would enter!! That's it I quit!

X-philer | February 6, 1999

--------------------

David Duchovony threw up his hands in disgust. His directing debut was not going smoothly. He was unable to direct the actors to line up numerically.

Tarnekep Portree | February 6, 1999

--------------------

Mulder competes in the 1st annual Action Figure Buns'O'Steel.

Tarnekep Portree | February 6, 1999

--------------------

Xena admires Mulder's graceful backwalkover and rewards him with a 10! However, Scully docks him a point for not wearing his speedo. Mr. Terminator seems a bit disappointed. He agrees with Scully.

Lady Kinbote | February 6, 1999

--------------------

Having lost the X-Files, Mulder turned his interests to his first love...gymnastics and the ribbon dance.

And The Winner Is...

After long deliberation, the judges finally came to a decision, awarding Mulder a silver medal. Though the FBI agent's triple-somersault-interspersed-with-double-backflips routine *had* been impressive, he just couldn't compete with the Well Manicured Man.

From the mind of Elena Sculder February 1, 1999

The Runners Up

Here we see the victorious reaction of Special Agent Fox Mulder as he edges out AD Walter Skinner in the Annual FBI Tight Buns Contest, 27 to 26.

Stephanie Martinez | February 1, 1999

--------------------

Sadly, after the cancellation of "The X-Files", the only work Mr. Duchovny could find was as the lead in "Mr. Holland's Opus 2".

Kawcrow | January 31, 1999

--------------------

Mulder found his scores in the "Histrionics" category skyrocketed every time he had a scene which required him to cry . . .

Melvin F. | January 31, 1999

--------------------

To complete his lifelong quest to find his soulmate, Mulder is using psychic experiments in the belief that he would share an extrasensory connection with that special someone.

Mulder: "Okay, people, this is the tie-breaker. I'm thinking of...eight, yes, EIGHT!"

Lunchlady Doris | February 4, 1999

--------------------

Mulder: Ta-daa! So how do you like my impression of Johann Sebastian Bach doing a backflip?

Terminator: You be Beethoven. I'll be Bach.

Puddlesky | February 4, 1999

--------------------

Mulder: How many times have I ever been wrong?

As Mulders head is turned the others reveal their answers.

Carol | February 3, 1999

The Contenders (in chronological order)

As the judges lined up, they all gave high marks to Mulder's...gun holster.

KD | January 31, 1999

--------------------

Scully: "Great backflip, Mulder. I'm giving you a nine for calculating your jump distance and executing the maneuver."

Terminator: "I'm giving you an eight for your athletic ability."

Xena: "I'm giving you a ten for having great buns! Wooo!"

Strawberryshake | January 31, 1999

--------------------

I found the secret base of the clone masters. Now I had to be careful not to trip any of the laser sensors. That clone of scully has got me thinking....

mmortalL ght | January 31, 1999

--------------------

Reasons for Scoring:

Terminator- they may be buns of steel but but they don't have the 'chrome' effect like mine.

Xena- I think the Dacron hangs better than Herc's leather.

Scully- While they appear terrific the proof- I will have to deduct from a perfect score until performing a physical exam.- Furthermore he took a small step on the landing.

tulip | January 31, 1999

--------------------

Xena: Now *that* is one fine ass.

The Terminator: Even I can't disagree with that.

Scully: hubba hubba hubba

The Grocer | January 31, 1999

--------------------

Mulder drops his pants and gets rave reviews!

Erin | January 31, 1999

--------------------

Xena: I don't know about you two, but I think his butt is definitely cuter than Joxer's!

Sarah Plummer | January 31, 1999

--------------------

(Tonight's competition: The Alien Probe-Trouser-Drop Contest)

Xena: Wow! I'll give it a perfect ten!

Scully: I've seen better on my autopsy bodies. I'll give it a nine.

Terminator: We have better technology in our time, so I have to give THAT an eight.

emet | January 31, 1999

--------------------

Mulder raised his arms in triumph, as he knew that victory was his in the first annual FBI gymnastic competition.

Frodo Underhill | January 31, 1999

--------------------

Mulder: Hey, Scully? What'd you do with my pants?

Kawcrow | January 31, 1999

--------------------

Mulder: I'm a little tea pot, short and stout...

The Terminator: That's it, I'm knocking points off for talent....or lack of.

Kawcrow | January 31, 1999

--------------------

Mulder: See, the way this works, you stand there with those cards, and if I can guess the numbers right, I'm psychic!

The Terminator: Give the boy a medal.

Kawcrow | January 31, 1999

--------------------

Fox executive producers give their estimates for how long they think "The X-Files" should stay on-air.

Kawcrow | January 31, 1999

--------------------

Mulder: It's fun to stay at the Y, M--

Xena: Help me. Help me.

Kawcrow | January 31, 1999

--------------------

After long deliberation, the judges finally came to a decision, awarding Mulder a silver medal. Though the FBI agent's triple-somersault-interspersed-with-double-backflips routine had been impressive, he just couldn't compete with the Well Manicured Man.

From the mind of Elena Sculder
February 1, 1999

The Contenders
(in chronological order)

Xena: Now that is one fine ass.