Being otherkin in a Humans World- Lindsay

i don't know that i can tell everyone the One True Way to live sanely as an otherkin in a human world. i don't think there is a One True Way to do anything. different things work for different people. so please, take everything that follows with a small siberian salt mine, IMHO, YMMV, and all that.

okay. so how have i survived as an otherkin in a human world? well, i almost didn't, for a while. to tell you how i've managed, i've got to go back to the beginning.

growing up was not easy. if i'd had something resembling a normal childhood, it all might have been easier. or perhaps it would have been harder down the road. no way to know for certain, really. my childhood was fueled by the need to learn to survive on a minute-by-minute basis. my mother should really be in prison for the things she did to my brother and i, but we were one of the families that slipped thru Child and Family Service's fingers. my mother is not a free woman: she is trapped by her own personal demons. so it's all good.

then there were the other people my age. kids are monsters. i never fit in. even when i was still young, and before i hit my own special "ugly phase", i wasn't popular. i didn't have many friends, and the ones that i did have all thought i was weird. i didn't think like anyone else, i didn't act like anyone else, i didn't have the same interests.

it wasn't until i got into college that i was able to meet people with similar interests, similar beliefs, and people who were a bit more open-minded. but i still didn't quite fit in. i wasn't interested in boys, in drinking, or partying. many of my nights were spent in the computer lab in the dorm, geekin out on IRC, talking with tiernan, hee hee.

so then i found myself living with a human lover; he never understood my eccentricities. he loved me in spite of them; but he didn't love me -because- of them. in a way, he didn't love Me, he loved what he wanted me to be. and when he realized that those were two very different things, it all fell apart. so now i am not seeing anyone because i haven't found anyone who can handle being with the real me. i've found plenty of people who want to be with the me that they think i am. and this is where i have a lot of problems.

perhaps its the faeglamour, perhaps it's the way i carry myself. perhaps it's the fact that i haven't found anyone who can see all the way into me, as i can see into them. it's not so much a gift as it is a curse; i met someone who in the literal blink of an eye, i saw to the depths of his soul, as i believe he saw into mine. what i saw was so familiar, so Recognized. i've yet to see him again; i didn't even talk to him, really. i'm almost afraid to see him again; in my mind's eye, he is a majikal creature, all at once so familiar and mysterious, a teddy bear with teeth, a giggling monster from under the bed. i don't know if i could handle it if i were to look into his eyes and realize that it had been some form of trickery, that i was wrong. if he isn't the One, then the past 5 months, i've been trying to catch the stars with a goldfish net.

such is being fae. it seems to me that fae tend to feel things more intensely than humankin. perhaps it's because we're more Aware of our selves, our feelings. i suppose if i were to go back to sleep, to deny myself, then i would feel things less. it's tempting sometimes. sometimes the dreams were so vivid, i just wanted to never dream again. otherkin are a people of extremes. and the problem is that so much of it is not truly proveable. how could i truly prove to anyone that i can look behind their eyes and see their soul? how could i truly prove to anyone that i can feel another person's emotions? how could i truly prove to anyone that my soul is not human? simple: i can't. so i don't try. i simply go about my business and let others think me a fool if they care to do so.

okay. so i've rambled a bit about me. what about how i've learned to get by?

well... i've found that i'm pretty big into a freaky scene. most of my friends are in the BDSM crowd, most of my friends are freaks, punks, goths, or other assorted eccentrics. i've been lucky that i've been able to surround myself with people who will at least accept me for me. i've never been one to follow crowds, trends, or people. i think it has helped that my childhood was so rough. when you face violence and death on a semi-regular basis, it tends to make the small stuff seem so much more insignificant.

i know that not everyone is able to surround themselves with people like themselves, or people who will at least be accepting of the differences. i think that oftentimes, the best thing to do is learn to accept yourself.

from what i've heard, many of us have had tough times fitting in with non-otherkin... many of us have had rough childhoods where we were the last ones picked for sports, where we were the ones who sat alone at lunch... even tho we may have looked normal, all the other kids Knew, somehow, that deep inside, we were made of different stuff. we are the Misfit Toys, and we have created these lists, these webpages as our Islands. but perhaps we've been focusing on that too much? or perhaps not enough?

it has helped me enormously to realize that yes, I am Different. but different is Good. but you know, there's something to be said for camoflauge. i've found that for me, it's best to just relax and be me. at work or with the unawakened, i tend to tone things down. the way i express myself is in my writings, in my singing, in my creative outlets.

i think it's the secret pride, the secret joy that keeps me going. the glee that gives me smiles in the darkness as i lie in bed at night. it's the knowing that i am me, that i am true to myself; no matter what i am, there are those who will love me, and those who will hate me; this i can do nothing about. even if no one else ever truly knows or understands me, at least i understand myself. and that's a lot more than most of the unawakened can truly say.
lindsay

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