I don't believe it all happened...I don't want to believe in what I saw...When I jumped into the carriage, the first thing I saw was his eyes...those steal-gray eyes, wide and staring at me...I was a bit frightened by their expression, and I already wanted to smile shyly and to say something as the explanation of my sudden appearance, but as I tore my eyes from his, I saw something...that supposed to be his face... I didn't scream, no...I couldn't, it seemed to me for a second, that I would be never ever able to speak again, because my voice was paralyzed by fear...It wasn't repulsive...no, never...suffering can't be repulsive, but it can be frightening and it can be unbearable to watch... Yes, it wasn't just deformity, or ugliness, it was the embodiment of struggle itself. His right cheek-bone, and the part of his forehead was covered with numerous purple and red scars, and one of them parted his upper lip on two halves. It was horrible, and the worse thing was that it was obvious that his face wasn't deformed by an accident, like fire or something, someone's hand did this with him on purpose...I wonder who could have enough cruelty to do this... It seemed to me, that time had stopped and that my eyes were fixed on his...face...I had no power to tear them from it. He made a slight gesture, and I woke up from my trance. I felt that scream was on the tip of my tongue, but suddenly our eyes met again...My God, how much pain!!! How much grief!!! I wonder if it's possible for a human being to go through such struggling, and not to drawn into the darkness of insanity. It seemed to me, that his eyes saw me through, and that for a single moment, all his pain went through me, and I felt it physically...I breathed for air, but I couldn't have enough. I felt as if someone's cold hand was choking me. His eyes were bottomless, and I felt as if I was drowning in them, drowning in the endless Grey pool of pain. I started to breath faster, because there wasn't enough air for me, all I wanted is to scream, and to let all those emotions out of me, but his eyes were begging me not to do this...and suddenly I understood why. Anrio! Anrio didn't know about it...I just imagined how terribly cruel it would be to break his happy ignorance. I understood that Anrio's blindness was something like a shield that kept him from knowing the truth. I kept on looking into his father's eyes, and I realized how much he loved his son, and how sincere and desperate his plea was. I couldn't fail him. His deformity denied him normal life, with weekends in the park shared with his son and his wife, perhaps, (I don't know if she died, or may be she left him, after ...after, that what had happened to him. But, still, how could she had left the boy?).It denied him such simple joys, that we all just don't notice, like looking on the silly girl who jumped into his carriage without despair, and not like a wounded animal, who's ready to bite and to scratch, just to defend it' child, from foolishly cruel hand of ignorant and careless girl I could have been, if I'd screamed...But I didn't. I didn't want to ruin that little piece of happiness that was left to him. To take away the only joy he had, to take away Anrio's certainty that Erik is the most wonderful father. I'm sure that if Anrio would know that his father is so hideous he wouldn't, even for a second, love him less, than when he didn't know about it, because, at least, he simply doesn't know what the word hideous means, but for Erik this could become a wound that could never be healed...Anrio's illusions, for truth are Erik's illusions about himself .In his son's blind eyes he sees his reflection , without any deformities...Anrio's ignorance gives him freedom in being himself, without hiding and looking over his shoulder in search of someone to see him and to let his son know again, that his father frightens any other human, man or woman, who sees him. And when the realization of all the misery, that Erik lived in came to me, tears started to flow from my eyes, and they still do...Tears of compassion and pity. He said that he doesn't need my pity...Though, somehow I feel that he needs it, he just doesn't want to admit it. I remember how surprised and almost startled his gaze was, when I took his hand in mine to support him, and to let him know, that I'm not going to give up his secret. He didn't expect it! My God, he didn't expect me to touch him! He looked at me as if my gesture, a simple gesture of compassion and support, seemed like a blasphemy to him! I wonder if he thinks that his deformity makes him a leper, whom nobody dares to touch? And when we talked out of the carriage, he told me that I may not be worried about Anrio, and he was absolutely sure that after I've seen his face I will never want to see Anrio or him again... He was wrong. He was absolutely wrong. Though my eyes were blinded by his hideously, which was painful to watch, and the hot tears were flowing down my face, I knew for sure, that I couldn't leave Anrio. This little boy needs me. I don't know why, but it's true, he needs me, and so does his father.

May 10, 1884

It wasn't an easy day, for sure...but it wasn't bad at all. Madame Dubois ordered me to take her daughter Adele out for a walk. It seems to me that she uses me not only as a servant but as a gouvernante...I think I should ask her to raise up my salary for this and to treat me not as a chamber-maid, but as a gouvernante of her daughter. This position would be much more respectable then servant's. Well, I'll continue describing the events of the day... So I was very late at our meeting with Anrio and Erik. Adele didn't want to go home, and when I brought her back at last, I was forced to listen to madame Dubois's demands, of how I should treat her precious child. It took me forty minutes to get the cab, and almost an hour to get to the Boulogne forest. I arrived at the gates of this park, almost at six o'clock. It was the time, when Erik came for Anrio and I was afraid that they already went away ran to the secret spot where I met Anrio for the first time, leaving numerous paths behind my back. I ran and ran and ran, hardy pausing for air .Something told me that if I won't get there in time, I will never see neither Anrio nor Erik any more. As I ran, it seemed to me that it was already too late, and I don't know why, but I started to cry. I decided to shorten the way, but cutting it, and I left the path running through the forest. Branches hit my face and plucked my hair, destroying my hairdo , but I didn't care about it. I knew...I was sure that I had to get there until they leave. When I was very close to the place, I started to listen carefully, hoping to hear the sound of their conversation, but there was only silence. "Oh, God, please don't let it be too late, please!!!" - I prayed desperately, passing those last meters that separated me from my destination. When I finally get there and separated the branches , the picture that I saw made me laugh happily with relief, as if I was mad, swallowing my tears and tasting it's salt. They sat together, near each other in silence. And thought Anrio was blind and I knew that, it seemed to me for a single moment, that they saw something , same something that was visible only for him, because Anrio's unseeing eyes and Erik's, gray and bottomless were fixed on the same spot. Though I was sure of what I was going to do, I didn't dare to make the last step towards them, didn't dare to break this moment ...I stood there watching them, with unexplainable smile playing on my lips, and I didn't have enough courage to make my presence known to them. I was able to see from this distance that Erik's face was covered by mask, not usual one, as people wear on the masquerades, but covering only on half of his face, leaving the other one opened. His black hair, long and thick, fell on his back, and when he suddenly turned his head with it's left side to me, it occurred to me that from that aspect, he looked absolutely normal, even handsome, but suddenly I recalled the other side of his face, and my smile faded. I watched them for a long time. Suddenly, Erik got up, took Anrio by the hand and led him towards the carriage. I didn't move. I wanted to, but I couldn't. Erik, helped Anrio to sit into the carriage, and looked around, as if hoping to see me. He stood there hesitating, and I was hesitating too. I knew that I had to call for him, and to approach him, but something told me that my fate depends on what I would do know, stand here and watch them go, or call their names...This is silly, I know, but on that moment, I was absolutely sure, that somehow, my future is entwined with their lives, but this feeling vanished as soon as it appeared. When Erik already wanted to step into the carriage, I shouted, walking out of my sanctuary:
"Wait!"