Chapter 6
Erik
I've been almost ready to leave. Anrio who was very upset by the fact that Christine didn't seem to be coming, and by my wish to go. He could have been waiting here for her for all eternity, and it frightened me. But I hid my fear from him as well as he hid his frustration, and we both did it without success. If honest, from the very beginning I didn't believe that she will come. She said that she will just because she pitied me and I hate being pitied! It hurts me even more than the expression of disgust or fear on people faces. So perhaps that's why I wished to leave all the time. I felt very uncomfortable sitting near Anrio without a word to say. I don't know why it was so, but we both remained quiet and somehow nervous. Time to time I told Anrio that mademoiselle won't come today and that we waste our time waiting for her, and he replied stubbornly, that he's sure that she will arrive in just a few minutes, and that we have to wait for her, because something is obviously made her late. I couldn't , simply couldn't tell him, that she won't come at all...that she will never ever come. It would break his heart and mine as well. I was awfully angry at this Christine Daee. Why didn't she just say that she won't come? Why did she lie? Did she think that this lie will hurt me less than truth? Why, the hell, she gave my son a false hope? When she spoke to me yesterday, and when I looked within her eyes, for the first time, during a very long time, I started to believe that she was sincere, that her compassion, NOT pity, but compassion and understanding was genuine, that she saw something behind my ugliness, that for Anrio's sake she overcame her fear , but now I knew that it was just the illusion...Why the hell did she give me a false hope?Somehow I knew that all the time, but I didn't want to accept it. I caught myself longing to believe her, longing to finally trust somebody, but I knew that I can't. I felt a piercing pain in my heart, as if it was a scar like one on my face, which was hurting me, though this scar, left in my heart was much deeper, and caused much more pain.
I shook my head, trying to throw all those thoughts that suddenly rushed on me, and made the last step towards the carriage , but suddenly I heard something that I didn't hope to hear ever again. I've heard her voice calling for me. The old habit to watch my back, made me turn around very quickly and gaze over my shoulder. For a one, single moment I was afraid that when I'll look her way, I won't see her there, but when I did this, my eyes saw her fragile figure leaning to the tree. She was close enough to me, to notice that she was breathing fast, as if she was running all the way through the forest. I could have sworn that it was so. Her hairdo was damaged, and the strands of her hair curled around her slender neck, and tiny hair-springs covered her cheeks, that blushed. Her quick fingers ran from her neck to her head, trying to bring her hairdo back to it's normal position, and it was obvious that she just took her time to calm herself down, before coming any closer. I thought that she was so nervous because she was afraid of me, or if I'd be more precise she was more afraid to show her fear, but suddenly she looked on me and ...she smiled. With a simple friendly smile. She shook her head, abandoning any attempts to make herself look more nice, as she saw it,( though for my taste, she looked wonderfully), and started to walk towards me, with fast and graceful steps. Suddenly, a light warm breeze touched her hair and her skirt, making them flow behind her back as an almost transparent cloud, shaping the curves of her little body. This image of her appeared before my eyes many years after that moment...I think that when I'll be dying, and when the last breath will escape my throat, I'll recall her walking towards me, and the breeze playing with her hair and with the folds of her skirt. She looked like a fairy or a nymph from the fairy-tale. She came closer and stopped a few meters from me saying:
"I'm sorry , for being late…I really am…I'm so glad that you didn't go!I was afraid that if you'll go I'll never see Anrio ...and you again.And where's he? He must be terribly worried!"
I felt myself incredibly foolish, because I didn't know what to say or how to act...I simply forgot how to behave myself with people, espesially with youg girls who blush each time one looks at them and who turn pale and faint with or even without reason.I didn't want to push on her, and to frighten her, though at the same time I didn't want to seem rude or gloomy.Somehow a thought of me trying to seem nice to a girl, made me laugh bitterly in my mind, but still I felt myself extremely confusing...She didn't wait for me to answer and walked towards the carriage.I waited a little and followed her on her way to it.I walked a bit behind her, pertly because I wanted to keep safe destination between us , and partly because I never liked to show my back to anyone, even to a harmless girl...I saw her calling Anrio, and smiling happily to him as she helped him out of the carriage and they went towards their favorite tree...Suddenly I felt myself very bitter, and I knew the source of this feeling.I was jealous, though I didn't know what caused that jealousity.The fact that Anrio had a person with whom he shared a favorite spot in a forest and with whom he talked about the things he didn't talk to me, or because that girl was smiling to him lovingly, held his hand, brushed his hair jokingly, and laughed with a wonderful laughter that reminded me of a little bells ringing.I felt myself absolutely different from them.They were so light, so beautiful so happy talking with each other, and I reminded myself of a dark beast, enviously watching them, knowing that it have no right to be near them or even to dream to be like them again.All my sins were written on my face, and there were so many of them that I knew perfectly well that there's no power on this earth to erease that mark of death and pain that made my face frightening to people as well as my deeds were frightening to society and even myself. My heart beated stronger than I wanted it to , and while those children enjoyed each other's company I tryed to explore my own soul to find out what made me so nervous and so, somehow vulnerable.I didn't hear what they talked about, though I was standing very close to them.It seemed to me that someone's hand had switched off the sound, and made me deaf.I saw their lips moving, I could even guess what they were telling each other, but I didn't hear them.Suddenly I felt that everything around me changed, the colors became somehow unnatural, too bright, too contrast, and too strange.It felt like my eyes picked not the whole picture as they always did, but some fast images, as if each two or three seconds the natural flow of life stoped before my eyes and those pictures passed bye, and I was just the one who watched it, a silent spy, a creature from the other world. The world of black and shapeless shadows which sometimes visits this world of happy and joyful people, just to have a quick look on them and to steal some happiness from them by just watching them, when they do not notice the presence of the eternal grieving thief.That's exactly how I felt.Suddenly among all those pictures my eyes caught her thin and slender hand, reaching to her high and pale brow, to brush away a naughty hair-string...a gentle skin of her wrist...a delicate line of her tiny fingers...Those ,almost transparent fingers, slid from her brow to her neck, and touched the place where I was able to see a blue vein pulsating.Her hand remained there, as if calming the pulsation down, and then fell back on her knees.I saw the beams of sun making her hair sparkle and playing on her gentle skin.Each time I came back from some trance-like condition, I found myself watching her, exploring features of her face, each geasture of her hands, each move, taking this advantage as she didn't see me, and they both seemed to forget about my presence.Suddenly the numerous skirts of hers revealed a tiny piece of her ankle as she changed the pose she was sitting in, to hide her eyes from the red light of the evening sun, and the sight of it, by some unexplainable reason took my breath away...(I never knew what attracted me in a woman...The ones I had some relationship with, might not be beautiful, but there were something in them, that hit me as a lightening...it might be a smile, a special intonation of a voice, the line of shoulders...it was always different...) I should say that not all men see and notice those little features and small details which may easily drive a musician or, let's say any creative person mad.Christine wasn't beautiful with a fashionable beauty.She was too thin and to exhausted-looking to fit the fashion of our age.Of course, I realized that she was young, and that perhaps her body would develop, and become more, well...full, I might say.But if honest, I didn't want it to happen.She seemed perfectly beautiful for me as she was.Fragile, skinny, childish...Hmm...I wondered what made me think about her in that way, comparing her with the others I saw and telling myself that she's beautiful...She was only my son's friend, she tried to be nice with me too, though it was obvious that it was easier for her to pretend that I wasn't there at all...I knew that I must not even think about her in that way, because I knew perfectly how it hurts, but my thoughts and my passionate nature were the only two things I never managed to control.If I was thinking about something I never was able to get rid of those thoughts and it became some kind of maniacal idea, as well as when I wanted something I was capable to do anything to make or get it, no matter how much it would cost me, and now It was absolutely clear to me that I wanted her.This sudden and overwhelming outburst of desire pierced each inch of my body, and even frightened me with it's intensity.I started to assure myself that it's only because I haven't been with a woman for longer than five years (a rather difficult task for a person like me), and this one seemed to be unafraid of me, so it unchained me in some way, but I knew that I was lying to myself, because I wanted to hide from the terrible truth that I knew with my whole heart.She wasn't just a simple girl, with pretty face and nice smile.She was my muse, my cure, my light...she was the one I've been looking for...I remember how Esme, a wonderful woman and somehow my true friend ,said looking into her tarot cards to see my future:
"Your entire life will be an eternal search...You will loose yourself, and you'll spend your life-time seeking for something...You'll never know for what until you'll find it."
Esme was right...Yes, she was bloody right...I didn't know until the moment I saw Christine Daee, though I didn't understand it at the first time, the realization of it came to me slowly and I felt it's weight pressing on my chest.I felt myself being suffocated with tenderness , which was almost painful.I felt this way only to one woman in my whole life.Her name was Janine.She was the one who broke my heart and who saved my soul, giving me my son. It was so many years ago... Back to Chapters
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