Chapter 7
Janine
She opened her eyes and the bright rays of the sun blinded her gr. She yawned, smiled, made a funny face, trying to find a position in which those nasty little beams won’t reach her, and slowly and lazily raised up from her soft bed, and made a deep breath. It was a sweet and joyful Venician morning, and life seemed to her wonderful, easy and definately worth living. She was happy to be young, rich, charming, well educated, and finally se was happy to be alive and she savored each second of her existence with joy and exitement. She was only seventeen, her name was Janine Ettienne Molett and she was engaged. There more, she was engaged with the man she loved with all her heart, and he loved her back, though this times, the marriage without a single reminding of love wasn’t such a rarity. Janine ran out of her bedroom calling for Nicolette , her servant, to help her to dress up, but she didn’t wait for her to come and ran up to the terrace which was situated on the roof of the large and luxurious house she lived in, to say «bonjour» to her mama and papa. Her white night-gown flew as a pair of white angelic wings behind her back, and little laces and buffed slaves made her look more than charming, with her golden hair falling free on her shoulders. Like a light breeze, smelling of sandal and dry roses she floated on the terrace, and gasped at the incredibly beautiful sight that opened to her eyes. She saw it hundreds of times before, but it always took her breath away. The numerous roofs of ancient houses, the top of the St. Mark’s cathedral, the sparkling channels all round, with water reflecting the golden rays of morning sun, the sea-gulls flying far on the horizon, somewhere , where she knew the sea was…Janine smiled, and only after saying a mental «bonjour» to Venice, she approached her parents, who were peacefully drinking their morning coffee, sitting on two soft large chairs, and looking perfectly happy and content together. Her mother, a thin and a bit nervous woman, who desperately loved her husband, and who was obviously overwhelmingly beautiful in her youth, was now dressed all in white. A fashionàble white dress with almost transparent gloves and a few white laces decorated a nice hairdo, which showed her long golden hair, and left her beautiful brow opened. Mama opened her arms for Janine and she curled in her embrace as a white dove. Janine’s father, a tall man, broad-shouldered and a bit fat looked at his beloved wife and daughter with tenderness and great love. Though he really had to loose some weight, his appearance made everybody feel the inner strength that came from him. Janine felt absolutely safe and sure in his presence, and though she loved and cared for her mother, her relationship with her father were far too closer. Janine never went to bed when she was a child, without a fairy-tale from papa , but as for mama, a good-night kiss was perfectly enough. Sometimes Isabelle (that was Janine’s mother’s name) felt very jealous, and shouted at Fransois (Janine’s father) , blaming him in all the mortal sins, and of course in building the wall of misunderstanding between Janine and her. Those times she came to Janine’s room, and started to read her the books, but very soon Janine started to ask mama to co all for papa, and Isabelle ran away in hysterics, saying that she hates her life, her husband and her seamstress for sewing her a dress worse than madame Le’Cornelle’s. As years passed Isabelle became a little calmer, though still sometimes her temper was really hard to bear even for the members of her family and of course she hit all the records in changing servants, and having quarrels with all the members of high society that surrounded her. Though Fransois and Isabelle had many quarrels, no one would doubt that they really loved each other and that they both were true to their vows from the first day of their very long marriage to the last breath.Janine always dreamed her family to be as sturdy as their was, and she hoped that she and her fiance will be very happy together. Janine looked at her father and said:
«Papa, did you recieve any mail, by chance?»
Francois shook his head smiling and said:
«No, darling...not yet!» - he pulled her closer, stroking his daughter’s cheek and pronounced:
«He’ll arrive soon, honey! I promise....He didn’t write because he must be terribly buisy by now. You have to remember that he’s finishing his studies at Sorbonne, at three faculties at once...And this is a very hard task for a young man he is, if he’ll spend his time thinking about pretty face, pair of blue eyes and a waterfall of golden hair. Have patience, Janine and you’ll have all that you dream about, including a loving and very well educated husband.» - Janine giggled in a childish way, knowing that papa adored when she did that and sending her parents a kiss, ran back into her rooms to get dressed.
Janine was in love. She was madly in love with a man who perfectly fitted her image of a prince charming, though he had many flaws, like any other original and really extremely talented man, but she never noticed them, or tried not to notice. He was too interesting, too attractive, to loving to pay attention to such things as sudden coldness which came upon him sometimes, or his never-ending desire to learn, more and more, to read , to explore, to posses...Yes, he was a man who’s soul was always seeking for something new, something unexplored and unknown to have it for himself. Sometimes, when he came to visit Janine, and instead of spending all his time with her, as she expected him to, he sometimes, became very silent, and sat alone on the terrace at evening, deep in his thought, Janine asked him, why does his waste their time together on daydreaming, or reading all those books of his. She refused it even to herself, but arts and knowledge were the only things on the whole earth, she felt , meant as much as herself in his life, and she was jealous. He didn’t answer for quite a long time, as his look slid from the evening sky to the roofs and the top of St.Mark’s cathedral, which seemed strangely blurred in the evening mist and then, when Janine, was about to leave , disappointed, he answered:
«Don’t be angry at me darling...I don’t waste time, I’m trying to save it as hard as I can...We have so little time in our life, don’t you think? Our life, seems big to us, you are so young, you, perhaps even don’t understand how tiny it is....Just as tiny as the little drop in the ocean...You think that your particular life is important, that you have al the power to change the world, that all the treasures and the joys of it are yours to take, but it’s a mistake....a mistake, that I’m very aware of making...Our life mean something only as the part of the stream...of the common river of life, but as it is....it’s nothing absolutely nothing...Though, somehow it’s in our hands...to stay a drop among other drops in the ocean, or to become a wave, which is strong and mighty, though it lives not as long as the drop, because it breaks when it reaches the shore....» - His voice suddenly broken, as if something scary or very sad came to his mind. Janine, listened to him very carefully as she always did, because she knew that each word of his meant a lot, and she found him very clever, but now, she could hardly understand a word he said. Though he was older than she, almost 11 years older, he was still young, and she simply couldn’t understand the things he said, because she was completely sure that people are made for joy and that everyone must do their best to reach personal happiness, which is somehow the sense of life. He always said that he was quite happy with her, he loved her, she loved him back, her parents adored him, he had the most good perspectives for his future he had with all his talents, brilliant brains and the support of Janine’s father, he was rather wealthy, and he had almost anything he wanted, and she simply didn’t understand what more could he desire or look for. Why did he talked about time and other strange things, with so much worry or even despair, which was mixed with inner fear in his voice. She didn’t understand what made him unhappy and she didn’t dare to ask, because though she was very young, she was clever enough to understand, that everything that he told her on that moment, was very personal for him, almost sacred, and the very fact of him sharing it with her , showed his trust and love, and of course it meant that he expected her to be the one to understand, so if she’d ask more questions, he’d more likely be disappointed and hurt.
Suddenly he hid his face on her shoulder, closing his arms around her, as if he wanted to hide from something and whispered with his beautiful voice slightly trembling:
«I’m scared Janine...I’m so scared.....I’m afraid, that I have no time....I don’t know why...This thought follows me, I just can’t get rid of it. It’s like....it’s like to know that death is near about.....to feel her breath at your back...I know it’s crazy, but it’s even worse than that, Janine....It’s not death, I’m afraid of....there’s something even more scary than physical death...I’m scared of being forgotten...To live my life, to die and then to be remembered by few members of my family...A man lives as long as the world remembers him, and the ones who are remembered are immortal...I don’t want my life to be just a little sparkle, a small fire which faded as soon as it was born, leaving only ashes as the reminding of it’s existence...That’s what I’m afraid of, for truth...I have so much to do...so much plans....and the worse thing is that I feel that I won’t be able to complete all this, time is slipping through my hands as the sand, and each second of my life I feel it going away....I know it all doesn’t make any sense to you, my love, but....I couldn’t help telling you...Please forgive me, for being so distant, but all those thoughts are killing me. I feel as if I’m trying to chase the horizon - the closer I approach it, the bigger is the distance between us....»
They stood there, on the terrace, embracing each other for quite a long time, and Janine didn’t dare to make even a slightest movement to break this moment of complete trust and understanding between them, though she actually didn’t understand a word he said, or at least, she didn’t understand the sense that laid beneath all those words.
Somehow, from this moment, their relationship became even closer, because he wasn’t aware of her presence in his room or in any other place he worked in, so it was allowed to her to sit quietly with him. It was a sign of a great trust from his side and Janine appreciated it, though it was really hard for her to sit with him for hours, without saying a word, and without producing a single sound. She loved him, and she did it for him just to see the sparkles of tenderness and gratitude which she was able to see in his eyes, each time he gave her a fast look, tearing his gaze from the book or the architecture project he worked on. There was only one aspect of his life, which was closed to everybody including Janine. It was a door she didn’t dare to knock on, though she felt the strongest urge to do so. Beyond this door, which was completely shut for anybody, was music... Janine, knew that music was one of her fiancee’s obsessions, though she never paid attention to it, considering it as one of his numerous interest. Somehow this man was interested in and curious about everything. There was nothing that his ever hungry for new experience mind left unexplored or unnoticed, so his competence reached in so many fields that she couldn’t say what was his hobby and what was the sense of his life. Somehow, the sciences he studied in Sorbonne (medicine, architecture, literature, history and physics) made her think that a man like him, would stay rather untouched by fine arts, because somehow, all arts are based on the illusion, on something which lays behind the simple understanding or explanation, a reasonable man can give, and all people who live in material world, consider it pleasant , but never more than that, and in her understanding, a person who thinks that physics is one of the most interesting sciences, and who can spend hours projecting houses and other buildings, is rather down to earth, and lives in the world of laws and rules f geometry, but she understood how wrong she was when she saw him play his violin. She was ashamed to confess to herself, that after a year of knowing him she didn’t know that he even has the one, not to mention that she didn’t even suspect him to play so skillfully. It happened when all her family and Him went to Lyon, (they lived in France by then) to her father’s old mansion, that belonged to his ancestors e century ago, and which was an incredibly beautiful place, situated not far away from mountains with the most delightful forest for a good hunt. Janine’s father was a natural-born hunter, and a annual hunt with horses hounds and English horns
Was somehow a family tradition. That morning the dogs has found a whole family of foxes in the forest and her father and his friends killed a few, though before ending their sufferings they allowed the dogs to chase them for a while and one of the dogs has killed a little fox cub, simply tore it into pieces. Janine liked hunting, though she didn’t like to watch bloody scenes like that one, she felt her own blood racing faster as her mare chased the victim, and as she heard the dogs bark, and smelled the scent of powder in the air. It really had a stirring effect on her and when the hunt was finished, she was blushing, and her blue eyes were sparkling with excitement. Her elegant hairdo was damaged , but she didn’t regret it. The noisy crowd of guests filled the house, discussing the details of the hunt loudly , and sharing their impressions with each other. A few servants brought killed foxes into the house, showed them to the guests and carried them to the fur-masters who would take care of them.
Janine found her father who was talking to his friend and smoked a cigar, embraced him and said:
“Papa! You were gorgeous! You’re the best hunter in the world!” – Francois kissed his daughter’s forehead, and smiled:
“Thank you, my little butterfly! I’m sorry , but I can’t say the same about your fiance…That’s the only thing that he can’t do well…He looks perfect while riding, but he haven’t made a single shoot during the whole day, and his face was as gloomy as if he attended the funeral, not the hunt…Y the way, I haven’t seen him for quite long…I think you better should go find him.”
Janine’s face became worried, because she suddenly realized that she herself haven’t seen him longer than two hours so, realizing that he definetly was not in the house she walked out and started to look for him. A half of an hour passed and Janine was really worried, because she still haven’t found him.
She went towards the forest, she called for him, she looked everywhere , but still there was no sign of him. Sun was slowly sinking in the horizon and the last rays of it played with the gold of her hair, coloring the world around her in red …Janine almost lost any hope to find him, and she was very tired, she went rather far into the forest, and after a whole day of riding it was really tiring, and somehow she didn’t even know if she was going a right way, but suddenly she heard music….a distant sound of a violin, which was more like a cry of some exotic bird, beautiful and heart-wrenching at the same time. At first, Janine thought that her ears were playing tricks with her, but as she went guided y this sound, it became louder so it was a proof of it being real. The melody was unknown to her but it was so overwhelmingly sad that it brought tears to Janine’s eyes. She came closer and closer and finally she saw a figure of a man playing a violin near the big oak, a most ancient one. She looked closer and realized that it was her beloved. His eyes were closed as he played, his hand moved rapidly, and the his left hand’s fingers danced over the strings, as his whole body was filled with tension, and the strings of his dark brown hair, which seemed almost black fell on his high brow and high cheek-bones. Janine didn’t come closer, she just stood there and listened…She was sinking in those notes that filled the air, she felt that her mind, so inexperienced in music was clouded but it’s clearness and divine quality of sound. When he suddenly stopped playing and his hands helplessly , as if they had not strength left fell to his sides. There was so much sorrow, so much pain in his every movement, that Janine didn't dare to approach him. She felt so miserable, because so many things. Just now she realized, that this depth of his personality, this unknown power, uncontrolled grief, all this somehow excluded her from his world, he didn't need her now, and somehow she felt that if she would come to him, he would push her away, though she wanted him to need her any minute of her existance. And also , she realized, that she didn't know him at all. She was too young and unexpirienced, to face this side of him, and to understand that unexplaiable pain which was hidden in him, and to know the source of it. Somehow she didn't want to know...She was afraid to know.
Janine changed a lot after that evening.She never told him that she saw him , but it altered something within her.
Now, when many time passed , in this nice Venician morning, she waited for a letter from him. A letter which will tell her when she'll be able to see him, to hold him, to feel the kiss of his gentle lips. And to finally set the date of their marriage. So was Janine, bright, radiant, gentle, a little light-headed, filled with romatism of youth, unepirienced and unprepared for reality...reality that followed.
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