Matt Steed Submits:
Santa Claus' Flaws: (but I still believe)
I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million children. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each house.
II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per seconds. This is to say that for reach Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, read any note written for him, reply that note, get back up the chimney, and back into the sleigh. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false due to oceans and population concentration in cities, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not conting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second -- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per HOUR.
III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is cayying 500,000 tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even assuming that "flying" reindeer can pull ten times as much, the job couldn't be done with the eight or nine mentioned in the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer song. Santa would need 360,000 reindeer, which adds another 54,000 tons, which is approximately seven times the weight of Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
IV. For sake of physics calculations, all of the reindeer, the sleigh, the presents, and santa are considered one object. This object, which would weight almost 600,000 tons, would be travelling at 650 miles per second. The amount of air resistance created by this object would disintegrate any objects on the ground such as houses that Santa would want to be delivering to. The air resistance would also create an amount of force on the reindeer more powerful than the force absorbed by a spacecraft as it re-enters of the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the next set of reindeer. The chain reaction would travel through the reindeer in about 4.26 thousands of a second. In perspective, that's about the fifth house of Santa's trip.
V. Not that any of that matters, however, because Santa, as a result of acceleration from a dead stop to 650 miles per second, would be subject to a centrifugal force of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems slim for the big jolly man) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 poounds of force, instantly crushing him and liquifying his remains.
VI. Yet, somehow, we get our presents. Santa's pretty amazing, isn't he?
Matt Steed Submits:
The 1997 Darwin Award Nominees
Also be sure to visit Funnytown and sign up for the mailing list. Also check out The Official Darwin Awards Homepage to see the most recent winners.
Kyle Boyd Submits:
"Top Ten Ways the Country Would be Different if a
College Student Were President"
10. New Constitutional Amendment: Parents legally required
to do your laundry.
9. Every Thursday night: Quarters with Janet Reno.
8. President buys state of the Union Address from classified
ad in back of Rolling Stone Magazine.
7. Federal disaster relief available for bad attack of "The
Munchies".
6. North Dakota sold to Canada for a few cases of Molson.
5. Red Phone in Oval Office has direct line to Dominos.
4. Air Force One replaced with really bitchin' van.
3. Mount Rushmore is now: Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson,
Roosevelt, and Jenny McCarthy.
2. World Leader Summit rescheduled because President
slept late and "blew it off".
1. Secretary of State: Carrot Top.
"Top Ten Things Overheard at the Country Music
Awards"
10. "Your wife stole your dog and pickup truck? Hey, me too!"
9. "You can let go of your wallet, Garth. You're not in Central
Park anymore."
8. "That was some damn fine yodelling, Mr. Letterman."
7. "George Strait? That's not what I hear..."
6. "Eww -- Willie Nelson's washing his hair in the punch
bowl."
5. "And the Lifetime Achievement Award goes to: Kenny
Rogers' beard."
4. "Look out! Cow in the mosh pit!"
3. "Call security -- Jerry Lee Lewis just proposed to Leann
Rimes."
2. "That's not Brooks & Dunn, that's Dolly Parton!"
1. "I've gotta take a grand ole leak."
"Signs You Work in a Bad Office"
10. Bathroom key tied to an angry ferrett.
9. Christmas bonus is a swig from the company thermos.
8. Office intercom is two soup cans and a piece of string.
7. Hard to concentrate with all those "60 Minutes" reporters
hanging around.
6. Boss walks around wearing nothing but a Post-It note.
5. Every week, each cubicle is subdivided into four smaller
cubicles.
4. Instead of Wite-Out, you're encouraged to use
mayonnaise.
3. After a few hours on your desk, the people in your family
photos stop smiling.
2. Cafeteria lunch special is whatever got caught in the glue
trap.
1. No desk chairs -- everybody squats.
"Least Popular College Football Team Nicknames"
10. The Fighting Oprahs
9. The Fumble Bunnies
8. The Really, Really Wide Loads
7. The Nittany Poodles
6. The Trouser Pilots
5. The Career-Ending Knee Injuries
4. The Drunken Swedes
3. The Gorgeous Ladies of Football
2. The Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Pants-Dropping
Presidents
1. The Philbins
"Miss America Contestant Pet Peeves"
10. According to rules, your "talent" can't be "just standing
around looking hot"
9. All that smiling gives your cheeks carpal tunnel syndrome
8. Long lines at Atlantic City's only all-night tattoo parlor
7. The fear that someone will find those old pictures of you
with Danny Bonaduce
6. Winner no longer allowed to exchange scholarship money
for malt liquor
5. The tiara screws up radio reception on your Walkman
4. Miss Teen U.S.A. keeps asking to borrow the car
3. Constant proposals from celebrity judge Larry King
2. If you borrow Miss New York's mascara, she breaks your
thumbs
1. Two words: sash rash
"Good Things About Rooming With the President's
Daughter"
10. Bitchin' motorcade from history class to language lab
9. She shows up with beer coasters hand-knit by Betsy Ross
8. Your summer job next year: Ambassador to Belgium
7. Secret Service guys always available to buy you beer
6. Her care packages always include a tray of dad's
"special" brownies
5. You become fourth in line for Presidency
4. At some point, you find yourself playing "quarters" with Ted
Kennedy
3. When ordering from Domino's, you can take advantage of
the President's volume discount
2. If you receive poor mark on test, you can have professor
slapped around by Janet Reno
1. Somehow, you're not so embarrassed about your own
father
"Ways to Make School More Appealing to Teenagers"
10. In biology class, dissect least popular student
9. Automatic "A" in Spanish if you've ever eaten at Taco Bell
8. Every day at 2 PM: schoolwide booty call
7. Instead of "Father of Our Country," refer to Washington as
the "Puff Daddy of Our Country"
6. When handing out condoms, throw in a free motel room
5. Give 10 points extra credit for each body piercing
4. New curriculum: reading, writing, and wrecking stuff
3. Simplify geography to "America" and "them foreign
bastards"
2. Sex ed. includes weekly field trip to Hooters
1. Fail a test, win a dirt bike
"Things You Don't Want to Hear on Your First Day of
School"
10. "I'm guessing you didn't spend the summer at fat camp"
9. "The new wood shop teacher has even fewer fingers than
the last guy"
8. "Hi. I'm the most beautiful girl in the school and I won't be
going out with you again this year
7. "Let's begin Phys. Ed. by covering the basic rules of grab
ass"
6. "Tell us what it's like to be the only virgin in Sex Ed. class"
5. "The creepy janitor's got a cardboard cutout of you in the
boiler room"
4. "Did you see the principal on '60 Minutes' last week?"
3. "Let's pretend the falling flakes of asbestos are snow"
2. "My name is Mrs. Rosenblum -- you may remember me
from last year as Mr. Rosenblum"
1. "I'm your homeroom teacher, Mr. Hitler"
"Signs Your New College Roommate is Nuts"
10. Walks around campus wearing nothing but a spiral
notebook
9. He orders Big Macs with extra condoms
8. Whenever you put up a college pennant, he takes it down
and eats it
7. Keeps reminiscing about the time he was married to Larry
King for a semester
6. His personal web site: www.killmyroommate.com
5. He keeps cutting the eyes out of your Hanson poster
4. Claims to be majoring in something called "gettin' some"
3. His GPA's lower than his blood alcohol level
2. He says he wants to sleep on top, but you don't have bunk
beds
1. Has his S.A.T. scores tattooed on his forehead
"Other Ways to Liven Up the Miss America Pageant"
10. Each contestant must spend a night baby-sitting at the
Kennedys'
9. Miss Louisiana: Richard Simmons!
8. Five finalists wrestle over a single tube of cookie dough
7. Four words: Australian rules swimsuit competition
6. Whoever bites off the most ears wins
5. Tie-breaking question: "If you had to kill one of the other
49, who would it be and why?"
4. Winner chosen by a blindfolded monkey with a slingshot
3. Forget the talent competition -- let's see those babes slice
some meat!
2. After Miss Florida's speech on the environment, host says,
"What a load of crap!"
1. Disqualify anyone who hasn't posed for Penthouse
"Ways New York City Cops Are Being More Courteous"
10. Say "please" and "thank you" when extorting protection
money from local merchants
9. New sirens that sound like someone politely clearing their
throat
8. In addition to your one phone call, you get a lovely glass of
ginger ale
7. New motto: "The criminal is always right!"
6. Before a strip search, they take you to dinner and a movie
5. After kicking in door, they say, "Did we come at a bad
time?"
4. With each mug shot taken, you get two wallet-size prints
3. Fingerprinting now followed by manicure
2. Instead of, "You have the right to remain silent," "You have
no right to look so fabulous!"
1. Three words: pine-scented mace
"Things Overheard During Bob Dole's Visit to New
York City"
10. "I've loved New York ever since I helped buy it from the
Indians"
9. "Uh, Senator Dole? If you insist on feeding all the pigeons,
we'll be here for a month"
8. I'm not stealing his watch. I'm taking his pulse"
7. "It's a $1,000 a plate dinner and all we get are strained
vegetables?"
6. "I didn't know hookers gave a senior citizen discount"
5. "In your honor we've hooked up the Statue of Liberty's
torch to a Clapper"
4. "The ghost of Eleanor Roosevelt? I'm sorry -- you must be
looking for the Clinton fundraiser across town"
3. "Wow! Howard Stern just got Bob Dole to kiss another
guy!"
2. "I may no longer be a senator, but rest assured I'm still a
cranky old bastard!"
1. "Forget the chalk body outline...he's just taking a nap"
"Signs You're at a Bad Camp"
10. Lifeguard is a mannequin with a whistle
9. Many of the counselors are still wearing their prison
uniforms
8. At the end of the tetherball rope is a sun-bleached human
skull
7. Bonfire fueled entirely by documents from old lawsuits
6. At meal time, they send you into the woods with a hunting
knife and say, "Bon appetit, you little bastards!"
5. Baseball clinic is run by last place New York Mets
4. The strange-looking kid who keeps biting everyone turns
out to be a giant mosquito
3. Dead horse + 1,000 volts = 8 seconds of horseback riding
2. They give you a special repellent to prevent bites by Mike
Tyson
1. Camp motto: remember Waco
"Mike Tyson Excuses"
10. Got a little carried away after seeing "Face/Off"
9. Really wanted to win first prize on "America's Funniest
Home Videos"
8. Like this doesn't happen every year in the Masters
7. Whenever Moe bites Curly's ear, it's hilarious!
6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that
he talks like Melanie Griffith
5. I guess you've never heard of a little thing called "strategy"
4. Ears is tasty
3. "It was self-defense -- he wouldn't stop punching me"
2. "Disqualified" sounds better than "got his ass kicked all
over the ring"
1. He ran out of gum
"Space Alien Pick-Up Lines"
10. "How about a close encounter of the pantsless kind?"
9. "Set phasers on love"
8. "Are you a carbon-based model?"
7. "I'd like to wrap my 36 arms around you"
6. "Are you up for some experimental probing?"
5. "Want me to introduce you to E.T.?"
4. "Care to join the Million-Mile High Club?"
3. "Mind if I burst out of your stomach?"
2. "Nice asteroid"
1. "Hi, I'm Michael Jackson"
"Signs You've Chosen a Bad College"
10. They boast that 90% of their graduates eventually make
parole
9. The campus is roamed by packs of starving coyotes
8. So-called "sports complex" consists of a kickball and a
swing set
7. Your letter of admission was signed by Sally Struthers
6. The dean is being followed by a crew from "Hard Copy"
5. History professor + fake mustache = English professor
4. Graduation ceremonies are held in a local 7-eleven
3. Final project in Biology: dissecting a Snickers bar
2. Orientation video features Frank Gifford and a flight
attendant
1. Average S.A.T. score: 2
"Ways to Get Kicked Out of Your Prom"
10. Offer the chaperones a 10% discount on all crack
purchases
9. Your so-called boutonniere is really just intricately folded
bologna
8. Invitation reads, "no red-haired freaks," but you bring
Danny Bonaduce
7. Refuse to remove your cardboard Burger King crown
6. As they list each nominee for Prom King, you shout, "gay!"
5. The theme is "under the sea," but you brazenly insist on
acting as though you're above sea level
4. You're a Woonsocket man and you're not in Woonsocket
3. Start "dirty dancing" with the lesbian gym teacher
2. Show up wearing nothing but a cummerbund
1. You're celebrating your 43rd birthday
"Signs Your Kid is Spending Way Too Much Time On
His Computer"
10. Named his hamsters "I," "B," "M"
9. Every day after school, eats his weight in silicon chips 'n'
salsa
8. He somehow uses morphing technology to make your cat
look just like David Duchovny
7. He's been in bed all week with a computer virus
6. Refers to having sex as "logging on"
5. His name: Carl. His nickname: "Carpal Tunnel Carl"
4. During power outage, paced around house like a
caffeinated squirrel
3. He calls you "www dot daddy dot com"
2. Walls of his room covered with printouts of a naked Bill
Gates
1. Two words: "cyber acne"
"Top Ten Ways the IRS Can Improve it's Image"
10. Change name from "I.R.S." to "F.U.N."
9. Tell dumb guys that "I.R.S." stands for "International House
of Pancakes."
8. If your auditor doesn't have minty-fresh breath, you don't
pay a dime.
7. New ad campaign: 3 lovable frogs that say, "I," "R," "S."
6. In addition to the short form and the long form, introduce an
extra-long form called the "Magnum."
5. Two words: deductible fudge.
4. Publish pamphlet: "101 ways to cheat on your taxes and
not get caught."
3. From now on, if you're short on cash, you can pay in "good
vibes."
2. Throw Leona Helmsley in jail again.
1. Stop hassling folks, dude.
Matt Steed Submits:
Your Basic Oxymorons:
Matt Steed Submits:
The following lines are said to have actually written by high school students in various essays and short stories:
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