EMAIL: lazersharks@yahoo.com feedback please
SUMMARY / TEASER: Who guards the guards? Or rather who watches the watchers? In the words of Wesley Whyndam-Price himself ‘Oh good, another person who knew Giles before me’.
DISCLAIMER: Obviously don’t own Giles, Wesley, Buffy and the Scooby gang. Alice Boston and others are mine, most of the info about watchers and the watchers council was made up by me and is based on my interpretation of it as an institution. All witchy stuff made up by me and bares little resemblance to say, Wicca or any of the other old faiths. Feel free to use Alice, Dzecthel, Dr Villiemme etc, in yr own fanfic, just acknowledge me and let me take a peep eh?
RATING: about a 12 or PG13 (F word (rhymes with duck) is used twice but not gratuitously).
SPOILERS / SETTING: set in the last season, but as if faith, the mayor and the Cordelia thing had not existed. Does include Wesley character although. At the time of story Oz had ginger hair.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: A Bantling is a student watcher, Raleigh is an English bike which advertises with the slogan ‘made with pride in Nottingham’ and is pronounced to rhyme with ‘Allie’ and the Stacey Mae bit is a joke about how some people watch BTVS, not BTVS itself. This is written in script form as I started it as something to do during a long period of insomnia before I realised there was a fan fic movement that I could send it to. Finally, I am English and although I have tried to make sure that all the Americans use American language and tried not to use colloquialisms in the description, this is written in a bit of an English style.
SCENE 1: SUNNYDALE AIRPORT: 20:15 PM
Airport Tannoy: The flight now landing at gate 4 is the 8:15 from Heathrow. Thank you.
(The camera follows a woman striding purposefully through the airport. She is aprx 5ft 6in tall and in her early to mid forties. She wears a brown tweed skirt suit with green flecks and sensible brown shoes. Her hair is tied at the top of her head and secured in a bun by an infinite number of hair pins, this has not worked at the front however where a pair of thick silver rimmed glasses peer out from under a waterfall of mousy brown hair. She is carrying two large suitcases and a handbag the size of a small camper van. She walks determinedly her concentration evidently elsewhere however.)
CUT TO SUNNYDALE HIGH, THE LIBRARY.
(Giles, Wesley, Oz, Willow, Xander, Cordelia, Angel and Buffy are standing around a circular scorched hole in the floor.)
Giles: Well that was….
Xander: Big?
Cordelia: (pulling a face) Ugh, Gross.
Giles: an interesting diversion. I must say however that I could live without fifth class demons from the interior dimensions in my library Willow so…
Willow; Oh that’s right, blame the witch. Why did I have to do it, it could have been anyone. It, it could have been Xander.
(They look at her)
Giles: Willow, (looks at Xander who is cleaning his nails obliviously) Xander may have many faults but as far as I know accidentally conjuring up fifth class demons from the interior dimensions is not among them.
Xander: He’s right Will, I draw the line at third class, forth class tops.
Giles (taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes): Yes, quite. Um, well thank you Buffy. You managed to get here very quickly.
Buffy: All in a day’s work.
Wesley: Yes Miss Summers, Mr Giles is right, your reaction time is increasing. But (lowers voice and makes sweeping gesture towards Xander, Cordelia, Oz and angel) Do you take these everywhere with you?
Buffy (shrugs): They’re my crew
(Camera turns to Oz, Angel, Cordelia and Xander, Xander is doing innit sign (upside down pointy devil finger rap thing)
Xander: Word.
Buffy: (looking at watch) OK, If my work here is done, only I have a nine o’clock showing waiting for me at…
Wesley (startled): Nine o’clock?
Buffy: Yeah, well it’s 8:40 now but…
Wesley: Why, I mean, Why didn’t somebody, I mean if it’s 8:40 now then.
Xander: Baywatch nights, I get that way if I miss it myself.
Wesley: No, I mean. There’s a representative, I was meant to, from the airport. Oh Lord, Oh dear God. (Wesley sinks to the desk his head in his hands): Why do these things happen to me? (Looks up at the group) Do you know I came top of my year at (is there a watcher school? That if there is) It’s you (points to Buffy et all) You throw my organisation out. I was given one thing to do and you stopped me from doing it.
Buffy: Calm down Wesley, speak in sentences.
Giles (looking through Wesley’s watcher diary) He’s being observed.
CUT TO A DARK ALLEYWAY
(Airport lady is walking distractedly through the alley much in the same manner as she was at the airport. She still carries all the suitcases etc and the waterfall of hair is getting a little worse. Other than that much is the same. A dark haired, man in a leather jacket approaches her from behind and taps her on the shoulder. She turns around to face him, the camera too reveals his face for the first time. Surprise surprise he’s a vampire. He roars in her face. She kicks him in the balls doubling him over, as his mates converge on the scene she drops her suitcases and takes a stake from her pocket. Vampire 1 jumps back at her, she stakes him. Vampires 2 and 3 approach her from behind, she spins round and floors them with a roundhouse kick before staking vampire 4. She kicks vampire 5 in the chest and stakes him before turning back round to stake vampires 2 and 3. She checks that the alleyway is vampireless before picking up her suitcases again.)
Airport lady: Bloody vampires.
CUT TO SUNNYDALE HIGH LIBRARY
(Giles and the rest are gathered around his desk reading Wesley’s watcher diary. Wesley himself is sitting at the big table with his head on his folded arms.)
Giles (takes off glasses) A representative of the watchers council arrived at Sunnydale airport at 8: 15 (gestures at Wesley) Wesley here was meant too meet him at the airport. (Giles opens the draw and takes a look): Oh dear.
Willow; What? Why oh dear? Why say oh dear? Oh dear.
Giles: He made a sign (he takes a strip of cardboard with Wesley Whyndam-Price written on it from the draw)
Buffy: Oh dear.
Oz; Shouldn’t that have their name on it? Just a suggestion.
( Wesley groans.)
(Airport lady enters the doorway)
Airport lady: Assistant librarian Wesley Whyndam-Price?
Buffy: Hey Wesley, your mom’s here.
Wesley: (lifting his head from the table) Mummy? (Realising that Buffy was joking) Don’t toy with me Miss Summers.
Giles: (controlling a smile) Yes Buffy, that was uncalled for.
Airport lady: (brushing hair from her eyes) Squirrel?
Giles: Alice? Alice Boston is that you?
Oz: Assistant librarian?
Xander: Squirrel?
Buffy: I’m guessing he got here on his own.
Xander: Squirrel?
Giles: (standing up) Alice. Why didn’t you say that Miss Boston was your Observer Wesley?
Wesley looks blankly at Giles: Oh good, someone else who knew you first. (He returns his head to the table)
Xander: (quietly) Observer?
Oz; (quietly to Xander) A Watcher watcher?
Alice Boston; (putting down her suitcases and looking at Wesley in concern) Mr Whyndam-Price?
Giles: umm, he’s a little….
Willow; He’s tired, There were demons and, in the library and he, he’s tired… (Smiles in a panicky please believe me fashion)
Alice Boston: Tired?
(They all nod)
Giles; He’ll be better once he’s wound down.
(Camera swings round to Wesley’s face, Wesley opens his eyes wide and looks left and right in a ‘why am I here’ fashion. He hears Alice and snaps into an upright position. He stands up, straightens his tie and walks towards them. He holds out his hand.)
Wesley; Wesley Whyndam- Price, Good evening.
Alice Boston: Gosh, well, good evening Mr Whyndam-Price (takes some papers out of her handbag) If you’d care to take a look through these papers, we need your signature on the 1st and 3rd. (Looks up from her bag) Giles do you have a phone?
Giles: Yes, yes of course here. (Picks up a phone)
Xander: We have a phone, a phone I don’t pay for. Why wasn’t I told?
Oz: Who would you call?
Xander: Well pointed out, assistant librarian? When does he assist?
Giles: Excuse me for a moment Alice. (Turns to Xander) He’s only technically the assistant librarian. It ensures he’s always on site. And it pays a living wage.
Xander: I’m always on site. Why don’t I get a living wage?
Giles: Now you know, and I know, that Snyder, uhm Mr Snyder, that is Principal Snyder wouldn’t let you near the janeteering staff let alone an educational post.
Xander: Janeteering?
Oz: go with it.
Alice: Giles? Phone?
Giles: Yes, yes quite. Do you mind if I ask who, that is, who it is you’re going to phone?
Alice: Celia
Giles: (taking his glasses off and rubbing his eyes) Oh, Celia you bought, you bought Celia with you?
Alice: No.
Giles: Well then you can’t.
Alice; Giles give me the phone.
Giles; Alice I’m not letting you phone London from my library.
Cordelia: (re-entering the library carrying food, crisps and what have you) Wow, it’s like a she-giles
Oz: feel the passion.
Willow: Well it makes sense, there must be lady watchers else, where would you get little watchers from…
Alice: Giles, like the boy said you don’t pay for it.
Xander: hey, me boy, boy want food. (Cordelia throws him crisps) Oh, Boy wanted candy.
(Cordelia sits at the table)
Cordelia: So who’s Celia?
Oz; We don’ t know, I’m guessing head she-Giles.
Alice: Giles! (Places her hands on her chest in a casual version of the watcher sign) In the name of the watchers council I demand that you give me that phone. (Stands tapping her foot)
Giles: Oh you, I can’t, Oh take it …(hands Alice the phone)
Buffy: Giles?
Giles (frowning at Alice) What?
Buffy: Didn’t you get, like, fired?
Giles: And?
Buffy: You don’t have to take any of that ‘in the name of the watchers council’ stuff anymore.
Giles: (still frowning) Yes, yes you’re right. Oh she would have got the phone anyway.
Alice: (into the phone, using the sing song voice that people use for pets and small children) Celia? You’re a good girl. Who’s mummies good girl, yes she is. Is Martha there? No? Well have you eaten? In the kitchen, the fridge. No, not the hot box. The cold place. Good girl. Where’s the cats? (Said really quickly like wezzacatz) Good girl, yes you are, good girl! Bye bye, bye bye, alright, good girl, FETCH! (Alice slams the phone down as she calls fetch)
Giles: You, you’ve got Martha caring for her?
Alice: I’m abroad so much now. Martha’s there while I’m away. Now, which of these fine youths is the slayer?
Buffy: (holding up her hand and walking towards Alice) that would be me. Buffy Summers- slayer to the stars.
Alice: Buffy?
Buffy: yup.
Alice: Gosh… How very, American… (She turns to the others) and these would be.
Giles: um, (takes off his glasses and pinches the bridge of his nose, gestures towards Cordelia) Cordelia, (Alice raises an eyebrow at her name, Giles gestures towards Willow) Willow Rosenburg (Willow waves and smiles, Alice raises an eyebrow further) erm Oz, (Oz nods an acknowledgement and Alice suppresses a smile) and umm…
Xander: Alexander. Ma’am (Xander cuts across Giles and shakes her hand) pleased to meet you.
Buffy; Alexander?
Xander: Yes Buffy that would be my name.
Cordelia: Celia is a dog?
Giles: Well, um it’s , it’s a little more complicated than that. Alice here has a Canus Lupis Sapient.
Xander: You can get cream for that now.
Buffy: A what?
Giles: (taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes) Celia is a Canus Lupis Sapient. In the same sense that Oz is a Homo Lupis Sapient…
(Xander suppresses a snigger in an attempt not to seem immature)
Alice: Golly, which one’s Oz again?
Oz: (raising a hand slightly) pleased to be of service ma’am.
Xander: So Celia is a were-dog?
Giles: essentially yes.
Willow: why don’t we get those? A demon that turns into a puppy every month. Sunnydale needs more of those.
Alice: (lifting up her head from her handbag where she has been searching for something) No, no not a were-dog Giles you’ve given them the wrong idea.