If you'd like to go to another part of the story:

If I Fall, part 2
If I Fall, part 3

If not, here's the rest:


I know, I know, I should probably stay away from Catalina-in-Yensid stories, but I just can't help myself. Why should the others get to have all the fun? Anyway, for the purpose of this story, Cat can't communicate with Suzee while she's in Yensid. Most people think she can, and they're free to continue doing so, but that particular premise made my story much easier to write. Whether you agree or not, enjoy!

If I Fall, part one

By: Sage 182


Harlan had protected her. The girl felt a warmth suffuse her, a wonderful feeling of safety. She smiled.

"While Radu was untying me, he told me about how you stopped Warlord Shank from hurting me."

"It was no big deal." He turned to go, but she stopped him, and impulsively kissed him on the cheek.

Then suddenly she was in very different arms. Scaly and green, they constricted her. She screamed, "Harlaaan!!!" and then the airlock closed and the arms disappeared and she was alone. I'm going to die, she realized. I'm going to die, and all I can think of is all the things I never got to say. Radu would never know that she was sorry for all those stupid Andromedan jokes, Commander Goddard would never know how much she looked up to him, and most of all, Harlan would never know how she felt.

The girl sunk to the floor in resignation. "Goodbye Harlan," she whispered. And then the corridor was filled with fire. She stared in horror as it drew near her. Distantly, she heard someone calling her name, over and over again. Harlan!?! Then suddenly she was falling, falling forever, down into a brilliant purple light.

Catalina awoke with a start. Her heart was beating so fast it felt as if it would burst out of her chest. Deep breaths, she told herself. She managed to calm down a little. "Lights!" she called. The room grew bright, chasing away the shadows. Cat crawled out of bed and stood up. That nightmare again! Perhaps she'd never escape it. Ever since she'd arrived on Yensid, her nights had been haunted by that same memory. Saturnians rarely dreamed, which was the puzzling thing. Cat didn't understand it. She sighed. She supposed didn't have to understand it to be haunted by it.

She showered and dressed, knowing she'd get no more sleep tonight. The only problem was, she had nothing to do. The rest of the city wouldn't be up for hours, and she was too anxious to read or watch the Televid. Instead, she found her thoughts turning to the Christa. Certainly not for the first time. They were all relived in her mind and remembered fondly (even Mrs. Davenport). She smiled, thinking of Thelma's antics and the fun they'd had. Strange, much of it hadn't seemed fun at the time, but in retrospect, everything had been wonderful.

She often wondered how they were doing. Due to the rip Suzee had created to bring her here, they couldn't communicate mind-to-mind. Cat had no idea what they were up to, and she couldn't stop herself from dwelling on their safety. And how well Suzee was fitting in. When she'd called Cat a few months ago, it seemed as if things were going well. Too well, a part of her spoke suspiciously. Stop it! she ordered the delinquent voice. So Suzee was pretty. And smart. And confident. So what? They were best friends, had been so for as long as either of them could remember. Suzee wouldn't jeopardize that for a guy. Would she?

Almost as galling as the mysterious dream was the fact that she couldn't get Harlan out of her mind. Every time she thought back to her time on the Christa, there he was, first and foremost in her thoughts. She couldn't believe that she could possibly have feelings for Harlan Band. He was the most arrogant, pigheaded, rude... and incredibly adorable boy she had ever met.

Shaking her head, she reminded herself of all the foolish things he had ever done. And yet, there was something about him, something kind and sweet that he only showed on the most rare of occasions.

Catching herself staring stupidly into nothingness, she stood and walked to the window.

Catalina looked up at the dark sky. It would have been nice to see the stars, for once. Giant gas clouds usually blocked out the sky completely. She squinted. Could it be? She thought she saw a glimmer through the haze. Her brother had always told her that wishing on stars would bring her luck. It was a stupid idea, but what did she have to lose? Feeling silly, she said aloud, "I wish...I wish that I could go back to the Christa, even for five minutes..."

"An amusing wish," came a voice from behind. "But it lacked a certain...oh, I don't know, pinache. You could have done so much better."

Cat spun in surprise. In front of her stood a thin Earther, somewhere in his mid-forties. The man had craggy features and dark brown hair, with shrewd eyes that seemed to stare right through her. He wore a strange black and red suit, and a self-satisfied smirk that seemed an integral part of his face.

"Don't come any closer or I'll scream!" she threatened.

"Oh, don't be so petty. As if there were anyone you could call who could possibly harm me." He disappeared in a flash of light and reappeared at her side.

Her eyes widened in shock. Had he just...!?! Never mind. She inhaled deeply, then loosed a sonic scream.

The man winced and stepped back, immediately covering his ears. "Stop that!" he commanded sharply, then snapped his fingers.

She inadvertently complied, for she suddenly found it very difficult to breathe. She clawed at her throat, feeling herself grow lightheaded as she began to black out.

"Fascinating!" the man exclaimed, seemingly oblivious to her struggle. "I haven't felt that sort of jolt in millennia! How did you do it?" He looked back at her. "Oh, yes, I suppose you'd like to breathe, wouldn't you?"

He snapped his fingers once again, and suddenly, Cat found herself able to draw breath.

"Humanoids are so needy," he complained.

"Who..." she gasped. "Or what are you?"

"You can call me..." An irritated look crossed his face, as he began to mumble, "Oh let's see, I wouldn't want to violate any copyright laws. (mutter, mutter) Petty humans and their need to control things...(mumble, mumble), trademarking a letter...how ridiculous." He straightened, seeming to have made up his mind. "All right, you may call me...X.

"'Ex'?"

"Yes, X. What, did that scream of yours make you deaf? Now back to the point."

"Which would be...?"

"You want to get back to your own dimension." He smiled cruelly. "I can help you get there."

"Even if you're telling the truth, and that's a very big 'if', then what do you get out of it?"

"Clever girl! I get the enjoyment of watching you suffer. You see, getting home comes with a small price." He leaned closer and whispered in her ear, "If you face each and every one of your greatest fears, and you're still relatively sane when you're through, I will grant your wish."

Cat swallowed. Choose between insanity and the only chance she may ever have of getting home? She closed her eyes, bringing images of the Christa and her home to mind.

"I'll do it," she whispered.

As soon as the words left her mouth, she found herself standing in a dark room. It smelled strange and felt dank. Where am I? she questioned. She felt for a wall, cautiously. Her hands connected with a slimy, rough surface. That's odd, she thought. It feels almost like a cave...

What was she supposed to fear here? She'd never been afraid of the dark, or of caves.

Suddenly, she felt something brush past her arm. Cat held perfectly still. What was that? she wondered. For a moment, nothing happened, and she relaxed slightly. Then she went rigid, feeling something cold and hard slip by her left foot, promptly followed by a touch at her collarbone. Oh no! she thought, beginning to suspect that she knew the truth. She kept her body perfectly still, knowing that even to breath loudly might mean her death.

Soon, her entire body was wrapped in Saturnian rock snakes. Highly toxic, a single bite from one could kill full grown Andromedan in a matter of minutes.

When Catalina was a small child, she had stumbled upon one of their hibernation caves. She'd run away before any had noticed her, but to this day, she shuddered at the memory.

And now, here she was once again, in a cave full of them. What am I going to do? she wondered fearfully. What did they teach us in school? Am I supposed to wait until they get bored and leave, or are they just saving me to snack on later? Maybe I should just knock them off and make a break for it. She considered it, then realized it felt wrong. That's what they told us not to do! It occurred to her that she was breathing heavily and beginning to shake. Oh, my gosh, I'm hyperventilating. Calm down, Cat, she told herself. Think. What did they tell us to do? She wracked her brain for the knowledge. All of a sudden, it came to her. Yes!!! She cried mentally.

Catalina loosed a sonic scream.

The snakes covering her began to screech in unison. Then one by one, they dropped off of her writhing in agony. Then, one by one, they grew still and silent. She stopped shrieking and stepped away from the mess. She moved several meters away, not comfortable around them even in death. "I did it!" she spoke aloud in her delight. "I didn't think I could do it, but I did it!" She felt the thrill of victory course through her.

"All right, X. I did it," she shouted to the empty cave.

Once again, the scenery changed with her words.

She looked around in astonishment. This looked like the Staracademy. But what fear could await her here? She'd wanted to come to the academy, fighting for the grades that would bring her here. She'd heard all about the glories of the Stardogs, and had developed a secret (or not so secret) longing to become one.

"You finally made it to the academy, Cat. But you couldn't cut it. You couldn't keep your grades up." The words were spoken by a familiar voice.

She turned. "Commander?" she smiled. "What are you doing here?"

"You're a failure, Cat. You always have been. From the very first day I saw you, I knew. I said to myself, 'This one's just not going to make it.' There's no shame in it. Some of us just aren't cut out to be Stardogs."

She stared at him in horror. "What are you saying, Commander?"

"He's saying that you're not worth it." Cat shifted her gaze to the red-headed woman standing next to him.

"Ms. Davenport?"

"I never told you much you truly disgust me. Always talking to yourself, pretending as if you had a friend. But you never did. You just made up one because you're a lonely little misfit."

"But you saw her! You know she's real. Suzee is onboard the Christa right now."

"You're insane, Catalina."

She spun at the sound of a new voice, dripping with scorn.

The boy in front of her laughed harshly and continued, "Such a crazy dork. I always used to tease you about it, but after you went bonkers, I realized that it was true."

"Harlan?" She couldn't believe it. This couldn't be happening. "What do you mean?"

"She's not real, Cat. You didn't go to any 'alternate dimension', you just went nuts. You're still onboard the Christa. There is no Suzee. She doesn't exist."

"You're lying! Suzee is real."

"How do you break Cat's neck?" asked Radu. "Slam the toilet seat down." He smiled cruelly.

"Freak!" She turned to see Rosie, pointing a crimson finger at her accusingly.

"Lunatic!" yelled Bova.

"Loser!" Ms. Davenport bellowed.

They formed a circle around her. She twirled in shock, taking in all the familiar faces. Behind them, she could see others--her sister and brother, Saturnians she'd grown up with, peers at the Staracademy-- they were all present.

"Crazy Cat!" someone started. The chant was quickly picked up, and soon they were all screaming it. She scanned the crowd for the source, to no avail.

No...not again. She remembered vividly the first time she'd been called that. Cat had been a naive young girl, foolishly believing that the other children would understand about her invisible friend. And they had at first, being too small to realize that it was unusual. Some even had their own imaginary friends. But as they grew, everyone else's had faded away while Suzee remained. The other children had realized that she was different, and thus being the nature of children, had seized upon it and attacked her. Day after day, as she made her way to school, the jeer had rung in her ears. "Crazy Cat! Crazy Cat! Nyah nyah nyah!"

But she'd left that behind when entered the Staracademy! No one knew about that stupid childhood nickname, she'd made certain of it. This wasn't possible. It couldn't be happening. "Stoppppppp ittttttttt!!!!!!!!!!" she yelled at the top of her voice.

But it didn't stop. The taunting continued, no matter how much she wanted it to end.

She spun in circles, helplessness overwhelming her. There was nothing she could do to stop it! Nothing she could say, nothing she could fight, no one who would listen to her. These were her closest friends and family. She couldn't hurt them, no matter what they were saying.

"Wait a sec..." she muttered. These were her closest friends! They wouldn't say these things, and the only reason they were was because...

"...They're not real!" she whispered. Then, more loudly, "You're not real! None of you are real!"

The taunting continued, but it seemed to her that it might have quieted slightly.

She trod over to Commander Goddard. "You'd never tell me that I couldn't be a Stardog. Maybe you didn't like being assigned to the Staracademy, but you always treated us with respect, and I always looked up to you for that."

He looked shocked for a moment, then suddenly disappeared.

She grinned in triumph and turned to Davenport. "You never believed in Suzee, that's true, but you took care of us on the Christa, and you would never have tried to hurt me like that."

Ms. Davenport disappeared as well.

To Rosie she declared, "You are the nicest person I have ever met in my entire life. There's no way you'd say that to anyone, even your worst enemy. And I certainly wasn't that. We were friends."

Not even waiting to see the Mercurian vanish, she said to Bova, "You may have been pessimistic, even rude sometimes, but not cruel." Just as all the others, Bova faded away.

She spun to face Radu. "You have put up with more than anyone I know. From Harlan, from me, from every single person at the Staracademy. You would never make fun of anyone."

Unlike the others, Radu did not disappear immediately. In his typical quiet timbre, he asked calmly, "You were made fun of a lot too, Cat. Why did you pick on me?"

Her success faded, replaced by remorse. She was speechless for a moment, before bowing her head and whispering, "I...I don't know. I guess I wanted to feel important, better than someone. I wanted the others to like me. It was stupid..." She looked up at him, meeting his gaze. "...and I'm sorry."

He stood staring at her for a moment, then a small smile appeared on his face before he too disappeared.

"As for you, Harlan," she began as she faced him. "We may not have always gotten along, but you never really believed I was crazy. Maybe you thought you did, but not deep down. You almost seemed to believe me sometimes. Once in a while, we even got along." She smiled tentatively, then sighed and said, "But you're not real." Turning to encompass the crowd, she said loudly, "None of you are real, and you can't hurt me. You can't hurt me!"

One by one, every single person in the room vanished slowly. When the chamber was finally empty, Cat sank to the floor in relief. She hadn't been sure it would work.

"Very good, Saturnian," came a voice from behind her.

She turned, unsurprised. "Anything else?"

"Oh, we've barely begun," X replied blithely. You have so much more to learn. Come with me." He smiled sardonically and wagged a finger at her.

Sighing, she wearily got to her feet and followed him. Somehow, she would find her way home.

If I Fall, part 2
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